Back from the rehearsal dinner
 

OK so here's the situation. My sister is getting married on Saturday. Her fiancé's cousin was invited along with his wife; both are blind and use seeing eye dogs. Before they responded to the invitation, they called and asked if they could bring their dogs. My sister is asthmatic and highly allergic to dogs and cats. She carries an inhaler in case she has an attack. My mother is the same, and also carries an epi-pen for her allergies. Compared to them I am mildly allergic, and I only carry Benadryl just in case.

So after careful consideration and discussion, my sister said that she would love for them to attend, but without their dogs. This is not an option for them so they declined their invitation. So now the family gossip is that she hates blind people. People who had previously accepted their invitations have now declined as a sign of solidarity. They are also saying that she doesn't really have allergies. She just doesn't want blind people and/or dogs at her wedding. In fact, allergies aren't real; they are just in the person's head. They also said that she would go get shots to get rid of her allergies if she really wanted the couple there. She did that for three years before the doctor told her it was useless for her to continue since she wasn't improving.

This has become a real problem for her and the groom's family. It is causing a rift. They don't even know her, and they have decided she is a liar who hates blind people and dogs. When she asked me what I thought before I heard about all the family gossip, I told her that she can't have something at her wedding that will make her ill. I still feel that way. I'm just disgusted that people who don't even know her have judged and misjudged her so harshly.

I'm venting here, but I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions or advice. I generally don't give a crap what people think, but my sister does. I think that she did the best that she could do under the circumstances. She doesn't want to start her marriage by alienating and offending his family. The groom's parents said that they are fine with it, but if they really were, they wouldn't have brought this issue up at the rehearsal dinner tonight. Any advice?

Re: Back from the rehearsal dinner
 

I dunno, maybe I am just intoxicated but I started laughing at your post Cream. You know I think you are great . . but it just stuck me as funny.

Ok ok ok. Your sister has allergies and asthma and dogs trigger her asthma attacks? Your mom is likewise allergic to dogs? She carries an Epi pen for dogs? ITs unusual to have anaphylactic reactions to that . . . is she more allergic to something other than animal dander?

Anyway, this is what I would have said to the cousins: Its very important that you attend, we need you to be there. I am seriosuly allergic to animal dander, and my mom can have really serious reactions so tell me what i can do to make sure you are comfortable and we are safe. Anything you need I'll make sure you have.

That way the onus would have been on them to make sure the dogs didn't bother you.

As for the rest of it. I would just confront his parents and blow up at them. Its their responsibility to deal with their side of the family. If people are not coming, its their fault. If people think your sister is an idiot its their fault.

If I were her I would call them up in a rage and tell them about her allergies and her mom's allergies and emphasize that they were invited and that its her fucking wedding anyway.. . . its like being allergic to pollen and inviting flowers.

Its like being allergic to shellfish and serving shrimp because the in-laws like it.

Its just moronic . . .

Although, your sister could have been more clever in dealing with it.

I think her fiance is the one who should handle his family and explain how allergic she is to dogs.

Ditto. And who the hell wants to spend their wedding day in the hospital? What is she supposed to do, provide a note from the doctor?

I think it's childish and ridiculous on the part of the people pitching a fit about it. Says a lot about their character, IMO.

It's her wedding, not theirs. I think that's absolutely ridiculous.

ok maybe i am insensitive but couldn't they park their dogs somewhere during the wedding, at the hotel or a get a dog babysitter just for during the wedding. A lot of blind people don't have dogs and have to get by, couldn't they get by without them for a couple of hours when they have their family there to assist them?

And I got yelled at (but not to my face) for not having my thank you notes done one week after we got back from our honeymoon by his godmother. One week! I think I was still tring to figure out what box my shoes were in after moving all my stuff 9 hours from home But we got it worked out and needless to say I now have other issues with that woman.

On the doggie dilemma, most places of worship have more than one entrance besides the front entrance, where your sister as a bride go through and down the aisle.

Bring the blind couple ahead of time with the dogs through a side entrance. Arrange with the place of worship that the dogs are put in a classroom or an office with 2 teens or middle school kids from his side of the family to sit with the dogs through the ceremony. Besides kids are usually bored at these functions. Designate 2 relatives from his side to be responsible for escorting the blind couple down the aisle and back without the dogs and back to the place where the dogs are being held.

Perhaps the same arrangements can be made at the reception hall. And giving the relatives who helped out a special mention in the wedding speech by either you or hubby will help save face with his family.

The groom should handle this if it is his side of the family that is being unreasonable. Maybe go to dinner with the objecting parties, or write an open letter to the family expressing how much they want everyone there, and clarifying the situation.

If it is going to be such an issue, the heck with the wedding. Elope!

And if his family is going to be so ugly and the fiance won't stand up to them, does this girl really want to become part of such a family.

You may think the open letter idea is silly, but if tastefully done, spelling out the situation may diffuse the tension.

Oh Jeez. I got the invitations & looked them over & I was sooo happy. I gave them to my coordinator yesterday & they were all mailed this morning. I'm looking at them again this morning when I realized that the word CALIFORNIA is mispelled. I couldn't believe it. I was not the only person to look them over. I just can't believe we all overlooked that. It's too late to do anything about it right? Cripes. I guess it doesn't really matter but the wedding is in 3 weeks & I'm already under a lot of strain. Something this small is threatening to make me cry right now. :(

BetteDavisEyes,

I'm so sorry! I imagine you're under a lot of stress and the typo is just one more thing to upset you.

There are two ways to approach this. 1) Ignore it. 2) Make fun of it and point it out to your guests by sending a postcard to the invite list along the lines of ... "One of these things is not like the other... Can you find the clue on our wedding invitation... Send in your guesses by DATE and receive a prize at the rehearsal dinner/cocktail hour... etc...) Then give anyone who responds some little gift like a candy bag or bottle of wine.

It'll be ok and remember, you're going to be a lovely bride!

Yeah. I know it was small but it made me cry and cry. I think I'm over it now...I hope.

Thanks for all the feedback, advice, and suggestions. I just wanted to add that the groom has been wonderfully supportive of my sister and explained the situation to his family. My sister had suggested that the couple put their dogs in a nearby kennel and bring a friend or an aide to assist them, but the couple declined. Five people didn't show because of the dog situation which is unfortunate. I think it just comes under the heading of not being able to please all of the people all of the time.

My sister and her husband were married on Saturday. It was the most beautiful wedding I have ever attended. About 125 guests attended and had a wonderful time.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...DSCN1480_1.jpg Here I am as the maid of honor.

It's a typo. Your family and friends will understand. You'll all have a big laugh over it. Enjoy this special time!

Cream you make a beautiful MoH!!

Oh thank you! You're so sweet. :)

Peaches N Cream, you look lovely - absolutely glowing!

As for seeing eye dogs, may I just add my two cents? If someone WANTS to get along, they can find a way, every time. Sure, they may be more used to the dogs, but canes and loved ones work, too. I would seriously bring this point up at some later date, as it will be an issue in the future.

As for the wedding invitation typo, I'd casually find out if the printer has ever refunded or given a discount for similar mistakes - and then ask for one. Sure, you proofread them, but I would assume that someone knows how to spell his or her own STATE!

If my family knew what I did for my wedding they would shoot me!! I had two sets of invitations made up...one for my family stating it was an "adult only" wedding and reception and one for his family with out the restrictions. My side of the family had a major baby boom and I didn't want all those brats running around!!

Is that seafoam green? I wore a similar dress for my friends wedding a couple years ago. :)

This is irritating beyond belief. No one has RSVP'd the way they are supposed to. Since I saw the bulk of both our families yesterday, everyone assumed that it's o.k. to tell me that they will or will not come. That's 70 people just telling me. How the hell am I supposed to remember that. Would it kill them to check off the little box? Apparently yes.

I feel your pain...and my wedding is not even in the US. The stamp is on there people...just mail the damn card back already.

The color is peridot, and the style is F4497 from David's Bridal. It has an envelope back with pretty beading.

AMEN! We spent all that money on postage, and the hubby's friends just told him they'd be coming. Is it really that hard to write a number on a card and seal the envelope???

Apparently so :rolleyes: I usually do both... if I happen to speak to the bride or groom between the day I get the invitation and the wedding day, I'll let them know if I'm coming or not, but I always mail back the reply card as well. Nothing like having to call around to everyone who hasn't replied while the caterers are pestering you for a number. :rolleyes:

I was invited to a wedding last year, and I got the invitation two weeks beforehand. (No B list here - everyone got their invitations two weeks beforehand.) We were told to RSVP by email! Talk about cheap :rolleyes: The couple didn't bother calling around to people who hadn't replied - they just assumed they were coming. So there were empty seats everywhere, and even so, they ran out of food!

We had to do the email response thing for my sister's wedding since we planned it in less than 6 weeks. But under normal circumstances I love response cards. We had ours all organized in an index file so we could double and triple check with our database. We ended up having to call about half the people on our list. Most of those couldn't come, but they could have returned the card and written 0 on the number attending slot :rolleyes:

I also had to call about 1/3 of the people on my list because they didn't respond. Even out of the ones that we did call that said yes they were coming, a hand full didn't even show up...I was kind of upset.

Some advice for those little response card, put numbers on the back of them that correspond with a number next to each name on your master list. That way if you have one that shows up with no name on it you can compare it with you master list that has the numbers on it. I did that and sure enough one of my husbands friends responded without writing his name on the card. Usually you will at least have one person out of your list that does it!!

This is a very good idea. My husband and I did this when we sent out our invitations. We were fortunate; everyone who returned a response card wrote at least their names (a few wrote nice congratulatory messages as well). But it must be some fun to get a response card with nothing on it and sit there wondering, "OK, who is it from? It says '2 people attending' but which two? Where do we seat them?" etc.

As it was, we had two couples no-show after RSVPing yes, and we'd put them both at the same table... so there were 4 people at a table set for 8 :o

Well in the Etiquette book that I have, (which has etiquette for more than I thought possible) says that even if you don't go to the wedding, you're supposed to send a gift. Seems odd to me, but I guess it makes sense, I mean if the couple thought enough of you to invite you to their wedding, a smallish gift might be nice.

Coming down to crunch time for me. 33 days to go, and 25 until we leave for Ireland. =)

First, realize that these people are ignorant bores. It takes very little effort to check off "Yes" or "No" and write how many & your name! Just keep that in mind for when they either get married, or need to be counted upon for something, because they've proven their unreliability. It will help you through some bad times.

Then, whichever system you're using, mark what you've been told, and ask Beloved what he can remember. If you've given them the option of say, Prime Rib or Chicken McNuggets, they've already selected the McNuggets by default.

Yes, every bride (or bride's mother or MOH) has to call the truly rude a few days prior to the Last Count. It is usually preferred if they keep the profanity to a minimum, but you'll (or they'll) hear every excuse in the book. Let's face it, even if someone has lost their invitation, they surely know how to email or telephone.

Oh, and while an invitation technically doesn't mean a gift, IRL, you really should cough up something.

And don't forget - there's a separate ring in hell for those who bring their progeny to an "Adults Only" reception!! I have one poor friend whose wedding video was ruined by a screaming toddler!

Ha. We had a close family friend that stopped speaking to my family because my sister wouldn't allow her kids to bring their kids (the grandkids) to her "Adults Only" wedding. These are people that my family has been friends with since before my sister was born. And then she told her kids not to go since their kids weren't invited, then she invited herself to the rehearsal dinner and then she sent my parents an email saying my sister were cold bitches because we didn't run over to her to say hello the moment we saw her at the rehearsal dinner and reception.

Needless to say, my parents weren't thrilled with her either.

That is the absolute worst. I have been to so many weddings and receptions where children ran screeching like a bunch of heathens so that it was impossible to concentrate on what was going on. If that ever happened to me, people would see livid like they've never seen it before...heads would roll, believe me. I don't like children very much anyway, but really, it's a matter of respect--if the couple prefers to do things 'Adults Only,' that's the way it should be. No one's gonna think your 'little darlings' are so cute when they're ruining someone's day.

How does one specify Adults Only? I mean it is one thing to mark at the bottom of the invite "Black Tie" or "Black Tie Optional" ... but can you get away with "No Children"?

Just curious about how that's done... I don't have kids, nor have I planned a wedding (nor do I expect to!)...

And I agree that the only guests who should attend are those who have been formally invited and who have formally RSVP'd. Nothing is worse than a no-show or a wedding crasher.

I have a few family and friends who have children and asked me about taking them to my wedding, I politely explained that no children were allowed.

You can include a small, polite note when you send out invites asking guests not to bring children, that it is an adult only affair, something along those lines.

I have seen something like that at the bottom of invitations, but it says "Adult Reception." I have also seen it on the reception card that tells everyone where the reception is. It says something like this, "Please join us for an adult reception at...."
The rule for our wedding, because we had so many friends and family, was that if the child was in college they were invited...unless they were close family or someone that stood up in the wedding like my cousins.

Well realistically speaking, the only people invited are the ones listed on the envelope, so if you are inviting Mr. and Mrs. Paul Smith, and on the inner envelope that is what it's supposed to say, then they are the only ones invited even if they have children. People seem to think that's it's ok to RSVP for more than who are invited because most people don't understand the etiquette of invites in general. Putting Adults only may offend, but if it's what you want, then go for it. Just remember you are going to catch crap if there are a lot of kids, and most people just bring their kids anyhow.

For instance one of my future MILs friends brought her 11 yo daughter to my bridal shower. Granted, nothing out of the ordinary was planned, but generally it's rude to just invite someone who wasn't specified on the envelope, and I barely know the kid. My sister was there, but she's almost 17 and in my wedding.

Damn if this isn't rude. This woman calls me & leaves me a message on my cell phone asking me to place her at so-and-so's table b/c she can't stand certain relatives that will be there so she wants to make sure I sit her w/people she likes. She then proceeds to list the only people she will sit with & if I can't accomodate her, then she can't come & give us our "very expensive" gift. I'm tempted to tell this woman to go f**k herself b/c I'm fast reaching my breaking point of patience w/his side of the family.
Then his mom is pushing & pushing & pushing for us to have a guest book & someone to watch the gifts & wouldn't it be nice if we ask these 2 particular women in her family? If I had wanted them in the wedding, I would have asked them months ago & not 2 weeks before the big day. Jeez. What is wrong with people?

I simply put "Adult Reception to be held blah blah blah" on the Reception card. Of course, with my sick sense of humor, I also let it drop that the Best Man had several rolls of duct tape for taping screaming little mouths and that, now that he's out of jail, he's been looking forward to actually taping a child to the wall, several inches up the wall. It worked like a charm!

Of course you're near the breaking point!! By THE day, you will be capable of staple gunning anyone who gets in your way! (They're on sale at Ace Hardware, btw) The "happy bride" bit is a myth that only becomes reality when you hit the aisle, realize that this is the last walk as a single woman, and become completely radient at the thought of being The Star.

As for this woman, maybe you should ask her to give you a list of who she possibly could sit next to, and each time she mentions a name, tell her that the person she just mentioned has asked not to be seated with her. Or, the nicer way would be to say, "But I was trying to liven up that otherwise dull table!" or "Everyone else at that table has asked to be near her." Maybe she'll fall for it.

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Then his mom is pushing & pushing & pushing for us to have a guest book & someone to watch the gifts & wouldn't it be nice if we ask these 2 particular women in her family? If I had wanted them in the wedding, I would have asked them months ago & not 2 weeks before the big day. Jeez. What is wrong with people?

Do people bring gifts to weddings in your area? If so, having two women watch for potential thieves is better than having to hire a rent-a-cop. Just make sure they each have a roll of duct tape.

Did you have any families where one child was college-age and another was younger? I can envision some disappointment when 17-year-old Sally is told that her 18-year-old brother John is to be invited, but she's too young.

At my wedding, we were fortunate. There are some relatives on my husband's side of the family who did have small children, but even they were not so boorish as to bring them (they're the boorish type and their children are the most immature spoiled brats on earth). We did invite a few teenagers with their parents.

We did have a family like that. It was an older brother and then his two younger brothers were in high school, but with HS boys I would invision it's not that big of a deal if your brother gets invited to a wedding and you are not. The family did not complain, in fact they gave us more $$ then we ever expected them to give us, so we don't think they had a problem with it.
The main reason we did the college rule was because we invited about 450 people and we had to cut the list somewhere. It ended up that 350 people showed up, but my parents and I don't believe in an A and B list so that was the best we could come up with.