Thank you for asking.

We're still dealing with her mother's death, but my friend is doing so much better. I think the weekend that I wrote that post, another friend and I just showed up on her doorstep, said get dressed and get out of this house. She knows we will not hesitate to show up and show out. This was about a year ago.

She has been to counseling and is finding ways to work through her grief. I am so glad that she was able to speak with a professional about everything. There is NO SHAME in seeking help. I think for a while she was fighting that battle because she didnt want to ask for help, neither did she want to accept the help that was being offered. We just had to be there (many sleepless nights) until she got to the point where she realized it was o.k. to not go through it alone.

Some days she's optimistic and making plans for the future... other days are o.k. at best. Holidays, birthdays, and other special days we remember are rough but she's holding on strong. She is back at work and has even picked up her involvement in Girl Scouts and is a troop leader. She has a web of support and i think between her cousins, her friends, and her colleagues we all will catch any signs that something is out of the ordinary and address it head on.

She just started U.A.B.She was 18 she was also the oldest I'm the youngest . Well I truly believe that it was her grades because that very day my father said Ashley where are your grades for this sem. So she said hold on I will go and get them for you. When she shot herself she had the report card in her hand. I truly believe that's why.

I think her report card was the reason why she hurt herself and was successful. There are people that have a less than desirable report card that brush it off and take a realistic view rather than hurting themselves successfully.

So, my question to you again, in memorial and honor toward her, as you look back in hindsight, was there anything that might clue you into her pain, in retrospect?

well I did notice that she start to take interest in death and afterlife but sometimes we all think about what happens when you die so I did not think it was abnormal. She also started giving personal items away that she truly loved. I would say to her you love this why are you giving this to me? she would say well i'm not going to need it anymore.

Okay, that indicates to me, she had a plan fabricated in her mind. It has yet to say that any of it made sense or you all could have seen this a mile away.

Is your family very religious? What religion? What denomination? Did you all attend church before your sister hurt herself successfully? How about now when everyone is around?

Do you all enjoy the holidays anymore? And what do you all do for your sister's birthday, now?

I am sensing that you all think there is a defined step to take to manage your grief. Should that "step" be "defined", rigorously?

Well around the time she passed we were given an option about church go if you want to that's your soul.We weren't really religious but we did have it and it was an option. We are Baptist,and I got a lot of negitive feed back from people about her death but I don't know what conversation she had with God before she did this so I couldn't really say where she went. I really don't care to know. After she passed my parents and my brother went more but I stopped going because I felt like I pray to god every night to keep my family safe and this is what you give me? When I made peace with my self and that's when I started going back.

When this thread started, it was before our Soror Bebe Moore Campbell (RIP) published "72 Hour Hold". It gives insight into a child who suffers from a mental disorder and a loving parent who would do anything for that child... The child was a young adult in this story.

Yes we enjoy hoildays more and spend more time together. We go to her grave and put her age for that year in flowers and lay them on the ground in front of her tombstone. That step is to be defined not rgorously but understanding of her decision. She's not hear for us to scream and curse her out so who would you get mad at? We can't.

Should you have a "step" or rather, you all know that is the decision she made? Just asking? Of course, you cannot get angry after someone does that, but, you all have to heal too.

Do you think your healing process is working for you?

Yes because i've all ready accepted the fact that she is gone. I know al the desicisions she made. It made me upset that she couldn't talk to me before she did this but no matter what I said I believe she would have done it any way.

However, you are not understanding that she had a mental illness that developed long before she chose to hurt herself and be successful at it... She did not know to talk to anyone, much less you. That is not your fault. And now she left you and your loved ones to heal such a hard thing. She may have hurt herself anyway, but she may have not if somebody had seen your sister's warning signs. Unfortunately, she had to decide to seek some of that...

The best you can do is move forward in your life and hope to have patience and clarity.

I've been doing fine so far. That's why I wanted to be apart of an organization so much, I didn't have a sister for long but if I'm in an organization I will have a sister for life. I also want to give back to my commuinty because they are in desperate need. Hopefully I could get a sister I've always wantedand be the sister I've always wanted to be. I know organization can not replace her but I still would like to try to fill the void of her loss.

It was hard at first

Joining random organizations will not give you the kind of sisterhood your seek. And what if you actually do join an organization, become close to someone you consider as your sister and she kills herself like your sister did?

A wiser investment of your energies would be devotion to your desired vocation, some would say to a higher power. Either way, you have more than that rather than investing your heart to have sisters.

Well If I get close to her and she feels that way,by me talking to her and comforting her no matter how hurt she is maybe ;I could talk her out of it. I could not talk my sister out of it because she never alerted me to it. Even if she doesn't alert me to her problem I could identify the sign more closely. Yes I did say I want to have the sister i've never had but just knowing someone is there for you when you need them talk or just knowing in your heart near or far you will always have a sister out there.

Sweetheart, the issue is "WHAT" the person says "EXACTLY". Do they have a plan of action? Normally, suicidal people do not speak to others that is how they get away with the act. Resolution of the problem is deeply entrenched and takes a long time, sometimes many years to find. Generally, the first act is quell the illogical thinking if they are manic or psychotic and that usually done with medications. Once calm, then the physicians and therapists will attempt to stabilize their mood for a long defined time. Afterwards, the therapists will follow through and keep them in a plan of action and improvement.

More often than not, most suicidal prone people are chemically imbalanced which actually DO require medication and constant follow-through. Since, many African Americans have a problem with follow-through on their health the outcome is grim. The medications actually do may someone feel better. Some medications have side effects that overshoot the problem making a person feel too good. That is not the point to remove the medication, it just means there needs to be readjustment. But, I can tell you, it takes a long time.

No amount of talking without formal certificate or degreed training will ever change someone's mind if the problem is physical...

If you want to support your "sister", you would be armed with information ready to give to her. Train yourself in a peer-psych program or work with those in the clinical psych office... Your best gift of a "leading shoulder" and "listening ear", should at least be trained...

Well I believe that she had a mental battle. I still feel guilty because we shared a room together I should have known. If I was standing right in front of her before she did that I might have talked her out of it maybe maybe not, but if I did not say anything I would feel bad because I didn't even try. If my sister needed help I would try to at least talk to her before it got to that stge and if I see she needs more help than I could give her I will help her see someone.

Depression does not always end in suicide. Nothing is that bad for you to kill yourself. She did though. The worst would have happend the computer would have gotten taken or you can't go out untill those grade come up. Grades are important but not enough to take your own life. If my sister needed anything or any support I would be there regardless of how much she needs.:)

Well, the issue is your sister may have concealed her hurt and anger toward something that you may have been too young to know. Ultimately, your folks were responsible...

And I doubt that the loss of computer usage or poor grades would have caused your sister to take her own life successfully. The computer and grades were the "straws that broke the camel's back"... These items were a convenient target used to blame what happened...

No, what I mean is that was the worst that could have happened was she would get the computer taking away and she would have to study more. My parents would not have put her under the house and not fed her if she didn't make good grades that is not how they operate. They operate in a way that if you can't get your grades up you don't deserve recreational things untill you get your grades up. I don't think it is my parents fault that they had high expections of her. They just wanted her to do well and I just think the pressure got to her. I don't think it is fair to say my parents killed her.They did not put the gun in her mouth and pull the trigger that was her choice not their's; they may have fed to it but they didn't do it themselves. That is just like saying a song I heard make me wanna kill people. You should be stronger than outside influences no matter how strong they are.

Maybe I was to young to know but even if I tried to talk her out of it and did get her help if she already had that decision made up in her mind she would have done it anyway no matter what. She could have just refused the treatment and done it. If we forced it on her we would have been making the problem worse. My parents loved her and they still do how could you say they killed her?

I still love her and still claim her as my sister.

aw... she's BACK

Actually, all the psych folks say is when you GENTLY "force" your loved one into help. What you say is true, the pressure got your sister. Too much so. However, I am saying that her problems did not happen overnight. There is usually a gradual development and decay of one's mind. All the telltale signs were either unknown or ignored. Who knows? If there was fault, there was fault in the system for not getting help to your sister sooner so it did not have to end so tragically.

I do not think anyone here is disputing that fact and would ever say for you to make any different consideration.

I know my biggest concern around here is you and that you are mentioning this pain to a public messageboard. Although your choice to do so, it is a very "heavy" topic and I would not want to see it backfire on you.

Well this particular thread is about minorities and suicide so I just wanted to share my experience. I responed to what was started. I did not start this forum. It is not really pain to me. The more I talk about it the better I feel about it.

I've made peace with what she did a long time ago. There is nothing I can do about it now except to ask the lord to bless my family everyday. It is out of my hands. No one noticed the signs,she was never ignored. (I can't fix it if I don't know it is broken) meaning I didn't know to get her help if I didn't see a problem.
I was not going to beg her to talk to me about anything.

Pushing her would only make things worse. Maybe those thoughts were in her head a long time but we never knew it. We were not about to ask everyday, do you want to kill yourself honey? That's crazy, but all in all I love my sister and my parents still love her; and nothing anyone says about her is going to make me change my mind.