Zeta Ace-- you need to start that thread!

I've done the long distance thing before,so I have been down that road. I am not too sure if I want to go that route again.

Dag, how did this thread go from "Marrying Down" to "Blind Date"? :D

However, I do agree with LB1914 - the LD (long distance) thing does "kick rocks" though (or at least it did for me). :(

:o as I think about adding that experience to my online dating diary. :o

Back to the subject
 

Yes, you do sound uppity.

I don't think the level of education a person has matters. What matters to me is the level of intelligence. I've known some highly intelligent people who never finished high school. (my father)

If you can relate to someone, they don't knock you for wanting to pursue advanced degrees and they can hold their own when in the company of your colleagues at different functions, etc. then that is what counts!! I have dated all types of men and the one thing I couldn't stand is someone with no intelligence and pissed off at me because I'm educated. When I graduated from college the boyfriend I had then actually told me he was jealous at my graduation!!

I am in love with a janitor and he is the best boyfriend that I have ever had. He owns his own business, has a nice house in a very nice neighborhood, owns 2 cars and 2 trucks and has a nice bank account. ;) I am pursuing a Masters and I can see myself with a doctorate someday. It doesn't matter to me that he has no degree because we converse intelligently and we can relate!!

BlueReign, it must be nice!

I used to say it didn't matter but unfortunately I ran into many uneducated men that were either jealous of my accomplishments or that I couldn't have an intelligent discussion with. Take that a step further guys that I wouldn't be comfortable taking to the functions I attend for fear of them doing or saying something inappropriate.

If it were an option where I live, I would consider but since there we lack the type of man you have found, I will continue to seek someone on the same level or above.

To each his own!

Hey, you know unless you try,

Re: Back to the subject
 

Well both of my parents went to college and I am currently in graduate school, so pardon me for having a different set of standards.

There are too many women out there that meet my standards for me to settle for less. If that makes me sound uppity, then oh well. No one besides Jesus has to be pleased with who I choose to date, mate, or marry.

Re: Re: Back to the subject
 

Okay, you guys, play nice!

I have tried a couple of times before. I am not ruling it out entirely, but I have found that most that I run into that aren't in ATL are not as willing to take trips here as I would be to visit them. You can't have a one-sided relationship, especially when distance is involved.

I agree with that one. But life is full of possibilities.

Reddawn18 and LB1914 - yall handle that in chatroom!

j/k

:D

Girl, you know I am just being friendly ;) I had to learn the hard way, life is full of possibilities and its too short not to take them.

I know this sounds bad or snobby on my part, but I can't see myself with someone who didn't graduate college. This probablyis due to mainly two things one is my upbringing (both my parents have MBAs) and two usually what drives people to college and succeed when they are there is ambition and intellectual curiousity and I am very attracted to and look for those attributes. And it doesn't necessarily have to have a big paying job (considering I want to pursue public-intrest law when I graduate that would be a double standard). But I don't see myself relating well with some one with a high school or below education.

This is what I want to know also.

This bugs me because all of my life people have been saying that I want to be white :mad:, because of my upbrining and the way that I speak.

I was raised comfortably, but not spoiled. My Dad has a blue collar job and make great $$ and very intelligent, my mother got her degree a few years back but is/was one of the senior managers in her department for her company worked her way up the ladder and is remarried to a man who has a college degree and in managerment for the county.

Me...I don't have a degree yet....(residency credits only) but at this point in my life and what I want to do with it, I don't think I need one. I love school and will perhaps go back and finish it one day. So I guess I would be in the middle?

As long as the person I'm dating doesn't have a problem with my background, tastes and education level, I don't see a problem.

If we can have intelligent, insightful conversations; have the same or mutual goals, likes and dislikes in life. Have no problems with social obligations on either side and feel comfortable in those situations. We can take care of each other. Sign him up right away.

Ok, where do we cross the line between wanting to date someone with a similar upbringing and goals and looking down on someone who doesn't? That line is very thin. :(

You are right the thin is very thin. But I think it has to do with what would you like to have in your life and what you can work with.

Personally, I think has to do with how he carries himself. What kind of conversation and--gasp!--thoughts plus aspirations he has. Its a shame that there are very few ppl, in general, like that. Just a thought...

Hmmm
 

The person who is below you might not be jealous of your accomplishments but bored with hearing you TALK ABOUT YOURSELF 24/7. Nobody wants to be beat upside the head with what you did and how many degrees you "achieved".

Some seem content with spending the entire evening trying to impress their date with Phi Beta Kappa instead of impressing them with Personality Phi Maturity. :rolleyes:

Maybe it's me but if you're dating somebody who's doesn't have what you have. Try focusing on what brought you to that point in the first place. It's something that NO DEGREE or AMOUNT of MONEY can give a person.

Oh before I roll out, if that person is not someone that you'll date or want to date, don't roll into the long list of TIRED and BORING excuses on why. Just don't date them. Plain and simple.

Oh yeah,

What ever happened to love?

Even when one is looking for love they still have some standards or criteria for what they are looking for in a mate.

I am a 27-year-old divorced MBA candidate, so I suppose I don't have time or tolerance for the fairy-tale bullsh!t that a lot of people spout on message boards concerning love, relationships, and the like. If you want to date someone with a GED that's fine, but don't trip on me because I choose not to.

Re: Hmmm
 

Amen.
Who's NEXT!

Maybe you don't haev time for the fairy-tale bullsh!t but remember this. IF LOVE ISN'T INVOLVED, then it will FAIL, no matter what type of degree he/she has, criteria or standards that he/she meets. By the way, WE ALL HAVE STANDARDS. I didn't propose to just any woman from off the internet. I proposed to a woman that I DEARLY LOVE! Don't dismiss my point as a guy who'd date just about anyone (point being that WE all have standards).

But let me get back to the point. LOVE IS DEFINETELY the key. It's not a fairy tale. If you don't love them, then you're just CUT BUDDIES.

Maybe you misread something because I never once stated that I would marry someone that I didn't love.

Doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement to me, but if I'm wrong, take my apology in advance.

It's all good, Frat.

ttt

This is a good topic. Thanks Ninja for bringing it back to the top.

I find it hard to relate to someone who doesn't have a college education or isn't working towards one. When I met my fiancee, we both were in school so we clicked right off the bat. I once attempted to date someone who simply had a HS diploma and it didn't work. Intellectually we weren't on the same page and he really didn't have any goals.

Usually, people tend to align themselves with others that can relate to them. An MBA candidate and thug who smokes pot and drinks 40oz Old English 800 all day can't possibly relate.

Personally for me, I would not marry down. I am a firm believer that the man should have a bit more than the woman. Since I have a college degree, than he should have a college degree or a military career or civilian career that matches or surpasses my degree.

If it sounds like reverse chauvinism to you, then you are hearing me correctly.

^At least you're being honest.


I would prefer someone with at least a bachelors..or someone who attended college. I want to be able to live comfortably.

Ms. LoJ
 

For me it has nothing to do with monetary gain. There are college grads out there who don't make much money at all and work in thankless jobs. I am the child of an educator...believe me I know how it can be. But it does have everything to do with what I want instilled in my child. I want him/her to grow up understanding what I/we think is important in life and have an understanding that even if you plan not to pursue money you should pursue knowledge. Be an asset to your world and your community...not only in community service but in the manner in which you use/live your life.

My wife would also have to have the capacity to think freely and for herself...we should be able to have conversations on all subjects. We don't have to agree on everything but I would at least want her to have the capacity to debate and discuss issues on life, love, the world, religion, community, etc...

LoJ

When I has single, I tried to give all decent guys a chance, college graduates and non college graduates alike. Unfortunately, my worst relationships have been with non college educated men.

My last boyfriend did not attend college, and it seemed like there was always this "invisible barrier" between us. For example, when I was swamped with assignments he would choose THOSE times to want to go out. Naturally, I could not go out and shake my tailfeathers while a mountain of work was due. He used to catch attitudes when I made college work my top priority and chose to complete my assignments instead of hitting the streets. His selfish behind didn't care about me keeping my grades up as long as he had his way.

My ex also got quiet when I tried to discuss local politics, race relations, international affairs, or any important issues with him. He was content with talking about hip hop and sports. When I became a Zeta, the first words out of his mouth were "why did you go and do something like that?". My other guy friends (college guys) supported me during my probate, gave me hugs, well wishes, and showed me much love. My ex gave me absolutely no support at all, and his attitude was similar to other non-college educated men I dated.

College educated men have never treated in that manner. Matter of fact, most of our dates were study dates. We always had something in common and had fun together. I met my new boyfriend at a TN Public Health Association conference. He came to my table during a break and introduced himself. I saw his Omega pen, he saw my Zeta necklace, and our conversation took off. We've been together since.

Black women are always made to feel guilty about our dating choices. We're always told by other Black people, society, and the media that we should stop having "standards" and just accept lil Pojo at the car wash. We are called stuck up b*tches if we want the men in our lives to have the same level of education, belief systems, and financial stability as we do.

I had to learn to STOP dating by society's standards and focus on my well-being and happiness.

The sistas that want to be guilt tripped into dating non-supportive men have my blessing, but I will only have relationships with college educated men.

good topic...
 

i usually dont respond to convos like these. but im on bedrest...lol.


i appreciate the intelligent dialogue in this thread. it seems that everyone is giving their honest feelings on the subject. i dont really like the idea of 'marrying down'. to me it goes along with the shallow assumption that if a person isnt degreed or comes from a family who is indexed in "our kind of people" then they are not quality or are not a suitable candidate. there is nothing wrong with having standards and preferences. but if you would choose to let go of someone that meets all of your personal requirements for a mate except for having the proper degrees and/or family experience then you are the ultimate fool.

ive have come across plenty of new money negros that wear me out with their bourgie mentality. they dont have a pot to piss in and cant hold an intelligent conversation. they want to know your entire resume and go 10 rounds of negro geography. its ridiculous!

if you take the time to think about what you desire in a mate then you subject yourself to folks who will never meet your standards. if you assume that a formally educated person will provide you with a better life in a marriage than someone who isnt, you are mistaken and set yourself up for a string of shallow and loveless unions.

to me there is no fine line to this. a person who feels they are ready to be in a committed, intimate relationship with someone has to know what they want and the consequences of those choices. i often wonder if men or women who put on certain 'requirements' for a potential mate actually take the time to take personal stock. i have a feeling that many dont.


just my opinion.

I don't know if this is considered "marrying down" but I want a husband that is loves God, loves me, hardworking, romantic, and has a sense of humor. I want someone that I can discuss anything with, from the silly (ex. is Tupac still alive?) to the serious (ex. Walmart and its effects on the global marketplace) to the person (ex. he is my best friend in life).

I've met men that met these qualifications both with a degree and without one. If I marry someone without a degree, I would not consider him to be "beneath me" because truth be told, the only difference between me and him is the grace of God.

nope
 

using the term 'marrying down' usually refers to social and/or economic standards and imho border on the shallow. considering a man's work ethic, spirituality and demeanor first is just what is priority. everyone should consider what you mentioned as well as the socio/economic part but it seems that those that choose the latter as dealbreakers tend to forget the other stuff.

I'm with you on this one. I really don't care about his financial or educational status. I care if we can relate, and like you, I have met men I can relate to both with and without degrees. Just because someone doesn't have a formal education doesn't mean I can't relate to them. I have also experienced NOT being able to relate to certain men, and again, this was with men with and without degrees. From my experience, it just depends on the man and if we 'click', not whether or not he makes money or is formally educated.

I agree with most of you on this subject. I'm still in the process of getting my degree, but as of right now I prefer to date and hope to marry someone who is at least on my level regarding education. I have dated men with and without degrees, and I find that guys without degrees have a certain perception of me that get in the way of developing a relationship. So for me it's kind of the other way around in that I'm willing to accept someone without a degree if he's a good personality match for me BUT he has certain insecurities which lead him to feel like he's not good enough for me and which makes him eventually pull away from me. so now I prefer to not go through that particular situation again and I either date people in school or who are already finished.

It's been 2 years since the last post in this topic. I wonder if people still feel the same. I will not "date down". It just doesnt make sense for me.

I can't remember where I read this but something about AA women are more likely to marry men without degrees.

so is that settling or is it facing some reality that non-degreed AA men are more suitable to marry?

i was told (by a black professor) that once black people graduate from college, they automatically enter the middle class, regardless of the student loans they owe (because taking out loans means you have the priveledge of having good enough credit to take them out - dont know if i agree), regardless of the job you have (because that degree opens you to more job opportunities than without it) simply because the way your brain thinks as far as future goals and outlook is definitely different with college than without. i dont know if that makes sense, but this professor shut me down in conversation once saying "you can't go around crying 'i'm from the hood and that's what i represent' when you graduate from a prestigious university (or one at all) and work on a salary vs an hourly wage."

with that said... i definitely didnt grow up middle class. i been poor, but i cant say i ever went hungry, or without clothes and other necessities. did i go without some experiences as a child and teen? sure, but that happens.

so im torn. i dont think i could relate to a dude who hasnt been to college and is from the hood, cause my mentality isnt hood. it never was - just cause you live in the hood dont mean you have to be hood. on the other hand, if dude is college educated, and therefore by this theory, middle class, he could have had a host of middle class life experiences that i wont ever relate to. i know they could be little things, but they definitely add up.

so would i ever marry down? no, because i would think its important to have some sort of common upbringing. would i marry up? dont know about that either - wouldnt want my partner looking at me all sorts of ways like "omg i have to show you the world." dont want any dude thinking he has to culture me into some high society for me to be suitable.

is it too picky to say to marry somewhere in the middle?

i can't read through this whole thing to see what (or IF) i responded, but i feel like this:

if i can take the time to go to school, get my degreeS, work, own a home, yadda yadda yadda, the brother who will marry me needs to have the same level of commitment to achieving goals and setting up a comfortable life for himself. So, I don't see it as a step down to marry someone who is, say, a credentialed professional or career military (not, i wound up in the military because of X Y or Z).

For example a good friend is marrying an electrician who has a HUGE government contract. My little income is laughable to him. He has no college, but he's a good man with a REAL PLAN. I'd marry a brother like that.

i don't think there's really such a thing as marrying down, i think to many people are trapped in playing games to keep UP with the joneses. I know the damn joneses, and their life really aint that sweet.