LPP-


Letting go is never easy when its someone you really like. I'm guessing that you're in to this guy more than he's in to you. You really like him, right? I think he likes you, but not as much as he should. You need to move on, and quick. The longer you hold on to him the more its gonna hurt in the end.


Cash-

Oh, I know they talk all kinds of crap. It's ok though, I"ve pretty much moved on...............;)

You snooze, you lose..........

Fab-

I've been there on wanting to be with two people at once. Its hard to decide what to do. I think the reason why you want to be with your ex is because you two are still friends and still close ( to an extent). The friendship that formed while you two were dating has created a place for him in your heart. Thats why you want to be there for him, you still care about him very much. I'm the same way with an ex of mine. We still talk as good friends and she's even sent me baby pics of her older sisters son she just had. I'd break my back for that chick. Still, us being together in the future just isnt gonna happen. I think you should be there for your ex during his issue and help him through this time. But be there as his friend I wouldn't get romanticly involved if i were you. If the two of you arent dating now, you dont need to get romanticly involved with this guy while he's going through this serious stuff.

Now, about S.......

Its sounds to me like he just wants you to be his phuck buddy but doesnt want to offically label whats going on between you two because of a comitment. Look at it like this, him being like that means he can be with another girl behind your back and not feel guilty about it since you two arent dating. At the same time, you're probably his main girl and therefore doesnt want you to be messing around with other guys. Thats why he gets jealous. This guy sounds like he's a pimp, and he's making you look bad by not dating you while still hooking up with you all the time while you want some sort of a relationship. It really depends on what you want. If you want a relationship, leave S.......you're not gonna get it from him as of now. If you like him that much and want him in your life and the two of you not dating doesnt bother you...then stay with him.


Hope I helped.



Cash-

Christia-

Southern guys are just that, they're southern. What he's doing is being nice, but I also think he likes you. What the problem is, is he doesnt know how to close the deal. He's a little slow on asking you out...but he wants to. I think it may also have ssoemthing to do with him not knowing you like him or would like to go out with him. A lot of men don't know how to read women, likewise with chicks reading men. Maybe you ought to flirt with him a little more, go by and see him at his shop. I'd say wait a week or two more and see what he does. If he hasnt asked you by then you should ask him out depending on how much you like him. A lot of southern guys are just shy or have no game whatsoever. They really don't know how to close the deal in a timely manner. Personally, I think you should go ask him out....it'll be a turn on for him.


Let me know what happens.




Cashmoney-

We haven't spoken in over a week. Maybe it's because he finally realizes that he doesn't want to be with me and what he's doing is wrong. I haven't made an attempt to contact him because I don't need this anymore. I should have done this a long time ago. I just don't know why I didn't. Well at least it's over now.

thanks both of you. I will see him tonight I will tell him I will be at church at which mass. I will also flirt with him and tell him how smart he is. and Oh, I got a new graphing caclulator and I will ask him to show me how to use it. I think he likes me. I *heart* southern boys!

Chris

Hey hon, thanks for the advice. :) I have not talked to S since late late late Friday night b/c when I called and asked my mom for advice (I know wtf was I thinking?! :rolleyes: ) she pretty much said that if she found out I was with him then she didn't want me in her life. Needless to say she DOESN'T like him. So yea that make's everything even more confusing.

I hung out with D on Sat. night and then last night too. We're not dating but I would not be thrilled if he had another girl in his life and I know he feels the same if I had another guy in my life. He asked me to his fraternities Christmas party last night and obviously I am going to go. Part of me wanted to take him as my semiformal date and part of me ewanted to take S, but I know I will end up either not going or taking D b/c I do not have one single friend that likes S and they would all be major bitches to him the entire time! Oy.

Ok thanks again for the advice. :)

OK, here's a fun one for you:

How can I send off unavailable signals to guys I've known forever? They know my life situation right now so it should be blatantly clear that I do not want to date them, and they just don't get it!!!

Okay Cashmoney.....

I've been dating my current boyfriend for over 2 years now. D recently went through a "revelation" in which now he wants to bring our relationship to the next-next level, that is engagement. But here's the thing, he's told me two different things...it'll be 2 years til he can afford the ring he wants to buy me (it's between 3 and 5 grand) but then again he's said that I will not know at all when he'll "pop the question". So it'll be a complete surprise. But, he's getting ready to sell his baby (a solid white 92 Mitsubishi Eclipse GSX Turbo fully equiped complete with custom ground effects and rims) But he really doesn't need to, he's just said that he needs a safer and more economical car...yeah. But here's another thing, he needs to pay off some tuition and also living expenses but he's just giving me 2 different messages. He's showing me stones and asking which I prefer (we'll be ring shopping here next week) but then he's saying he needs to pay off a crapload worth od debt. I'm getting too confused.

So, what'yda think?

thanks cash.

Wow! You're a rare thing these days.;) In case you havent figured out why you have a lot of guy friends, it's because you probably don't b!tch that much....do you? Think about it, what are the two main reasons why guys quit dating chicks? 1. We find someone else that looks better or 2. The girl b!tches too much. I'm assuming you're a decent looking girl, right? Most guys don't like having cool ugly chicks around them, that explains why its very rare for a girl to have basically all guy friends.

You've actually got it really good. Obviously you're a cool girl to hang out with since a lot of guys like you. Now all you need to do is start up a game with who ever you want. You probably need to flirt with some of those guys and act like a b!tch a little more.


I wouldn't be trying to hook up with my friends if I were you. I'd go out and find guys that don't have any idea who my other guy friends are (If you're anything like me, thats harder than what ya think). In my college crew we have 9 guys and 1 girl who are my close friends. All but one of us randomly met in 1998, my freshman year. The chick in our group is like how you are to your guy friends, she's one of us. We know every thing she's ever done, she's the female version of us. And thats the reason why none of us would ever date her despite some of us having sex with her. I kid with her all the time and tell her she's got a dirty clit. There was a time where she was bouncing around with half of us in our crew. After awhile I realize she finally figured out why none of us would date her, we just knew too much about her to want to date her. This could be the case with you having problems dating guy friends.



I'd also like to add, I don't think you should be going out looking for a boyfriend. He'll come to you, just have fun right now. Just make sure the guys know you're available. All too often a guy isnt reading the signals right. There has been many times where I thought a chick was just wanting to be friends, who I liked, and it turned out she actually wanted to date. I totally didnt read them right, their friends eventually clued me in.



Things will get better. There are a lot of guys out there that would love to snatch you up. You just need to go out more and meet a bunch of guys. If any of them start liking you more as a freind...just move on to another.


Let me know how things go.



Cash-

GeekyPenguin-


Forever? Like 5 yrs, 10 yrs? If they're really close to you and you've known them for more than 4-6 yrs, sit them down or see them in person and ask them if they like you/wanna date you. If they say no, you'll feel dumb for thinking they liked you. If they say yes, then proceed to tell them that you are so glad that you two are friends and that you would rather keep him has a close friend than date him and risk loosing the friendship.

If they are not close friends and you've been friends with them for 1,2,3 yrs......make yourself more scarce for the time being. Don't see them for a little while. They'll start getting upset. Just act like you've been really busy lately. Then wait a week after they say something about not seeing you in awhile, call them up and spend some time with them on the phone. Have a long conversation. Make it one of those "I'm so glad that you're my friend" conversations. Them tell them you're glad the two of you have never hooked up or did anything and stayed friends. He'll get the picture clearly.


Hope I helped.



Cashmoney-

That Eclipse sounds tight!:cool:



Honestly, I think you're moving way too quick. You've been dating for 2 yrs and already picking out rings. If you want to be married only once ( which I think you're that type of girl), I suggest you date this guy a little longer.


Now, my response to the actual situation. I think you should sit him down and have a talk with him. You need to tell him that you don't want him to buy you a ring yet until he's paid off his debt and taken care of his finances. Explain to him that you don't want to start in debt. I think he's gonna sell his "baby" inorder to pay off the tuition and living expenses, then get a new car that doesn't cost him too much to keep up ( I'm sure he puts a lot of money into that car to keep it looking tight). He'll be doing all that while saving money to buy you a ring. He's getting his $hit together in preping for you. It could be anytime after he gets his new car.


Keep me posted on his actions.


Cash-

Cash-

I'm just curious what you're thoughts are. How long do you think a couple should date before getting married? What do you think is the appropriate amount of time for a couple to get to know each other pre-nuptials? Don't worry...I'm not asking for myself (I probably have another 3 to 4 years before my boyfriend is done with his doctorate so I've got a while). :) Just wondering in general what you think.

AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

Cashmoney, if you will relinquish your thread for just a moment...

This is in response to TKE209Sweethrt's and ZTAngel's posts...I really don't think it matters how long two people date before they decide to get engaged (well, unless it's a ridiculously short time, like 2 weeks or something...but a lot of people did that in WWII and it turned out just fine). My mom and my stepdad knew each other for 6 months--and dated for less time than that--when they got married, and they've been married for over 18 years. They were ready to get married, so they got married. I, on the other hand, have been close to engagement on two separate occasions after seeing the guys for a little under 2 years and a little over 2 years respectively, and I ended up running away from it. (Before you go pointing your finger and calling me commitment-phobic, I'd just like you to know that I prefer to call it "waiting for the right man." :p) My father and my stepmother dated for 14 years, I kid you not, and he just announced a couple weeks ago that they are going to divorce. So you see, the length of time you date someone isn't a good predictor of whether or not you should marry and whether you'll stay together or not...it depends more on the readiness of the parties involved.

OK, Cashmoney, you can have your thread back. :)

Yeah, but with kids our age? Too many of us are too stupid! I know a couple that's engaged after 6 months of dating. That's so, so short at this age.

I agree, if you're ready you're ready. And there's something to be said about a long engagement period.

Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

Its Ok, miss I love to hijack Craig's threads.;)





ZTAngel-


My opinion is a little different than Achtungbaby80's. I think you should date someone for at least 3-4 yrs inorder to fully know them, what they're like, what their habits are. This way you get to fully see what annoys you about them, their issues you can/can't handle, how they deal with things/situations, etc etc etc. Anything less han 3 years, you're taking a chance of not fully knowing them. I don't know about a lot of people, but having been in the relationships I've been in and gone through the stuff I have....I realize the importance of not rushing into things that can affect you for life. I think a common misconception many people have is that they think they are ready, but they're really not. Fortunately I'm one of those people who can set his passion and heated love aside and tell myself that I need to wait a while before making a big decision such as something like marriage, no matter how much I love/wanna be with the lady in question. Its called having common sense and thinking logically, its something a lot of people don't have and can't do!;)

Also, there's something you have to understand about Achtungbabys example. The people she's mentioned were her parents. Apparently they arent together anymore and both divorced, and they found new spouses. Now her dad is splitting up with #2. I think her dad has problems based on splitting up with two women. Obviously her mom is fine, she's been married for over 18 yrs. I'm wondering if both her parents had dated for awhile her mom would have figured out her dad has issues and woulda been together at all? That said, time probably would have made all the difference. Now, this is of course assuming both of her biological parents were married and she wasn't born out of wedlock ( you don't have to answer that achtung). If her bio-parents were never married.....I'll have to fill you in on that can of worms and my view on it.


Here's an example from my life:

My parents have been married going on 26 yrs. And it hasnt been all peachy. Based on my thoughts in the first paragraph, my own parents could prove me wrong in a sense. My mom and dad dated for 9 months and got married. They're still married. There were a lot of things about each of them that the other learned that happened after they were married. Stuff each of them just had to deal with. Stuff they woulda been better off knowing before marriage and probably wouldn't have got married had they learned them beforehand. Yet, they still loved each other. As a child I remember things always being fairy tale like on having the perfect childhood. My dad was always my football coach each year from age 6-14 until I entered middle school. My mother always took me shopping with her and showed me off to her friends, she taught me to have a sense of fashion. My dad would take me fishing with him out in the ocean and we'd go air boating in the Everglades. I had a good chilhood. However, during my 10th grade year in highschool shit almost went down the tube. My mom busted my dad cheating on her, red handed chillin with the woman. Its a long story on why it ended up happening. When I found out my dad had an affair, thats when I realized how different from each other they were. Fortunately they ended up reconciling and both of them changed the way they were inorder to make things work and hold our family together. My mom changed what she was doing wrong and my dad quit cheating on her. It is my belief that had they dated for a long enough of a period of time, they wouldn't have went through the crap they did because they would have seen their differences eventually. Fortunately for our family they ended up not getting divorced. Most families are not as lucky. And I think it largely had to do with my mom changing more than my dad. My mom has been through some crap in her marriage, sometimes when I think about it I feel bad for her. After seeing some of the stuff she's went though and watching how it affected her, I don't ever want to put my future wife through any of that. Thats why I say its important to make sure you know the other person better than they know themselves. And you need to make sure that is absolutly what you want for life. And only spending a large amount of time with the other person will be able to determine whether or not you two should be married. Granted, people do change with time. But based on past experiences of my life and the lives of others, I think a long period of dating someone is what is needed.



Hope I helped-

Craig




BTW- Have any of you ever had boyfriends that cheated on you and then you later found out that his dad did it to his wife and his gradnfather did it to his wife? Can cheating on your spouse be genetic? I'm getting worried about that. The reason being because I've cheated on many ex-GFs of mine. I'm wondering if my genetic makeup is what causes that. I don't do it anymore, but I'm still worried about it.

Re: Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

My parents did exactly what you would've approved of...they dated for about 4 years before getting married. Neither were married before. And they got divorced. So really, how long you date doesn't matter.

No. Cheating is a learned behavior. People learn by example set by parents, peers, etc. Thus, cheating is not "genetic"...how a person deals with relationships is affected by the ways in which the people they are in contact with behave. Either that, or there is a totally different, deeply-rooted issue at work here...low self-esteem, fear of rejection, etc. I've been to many shrinks in my day, and this is what I have learned. :)

Re: Re: Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

Well, that does make sense. Most of my close friends that I hung out with while I was the cheating boyfriend were also cheating on thier GFs. I don't see those friends as much anymore and havent cheated on a GF in over 1 1/2 yrs.;)

Re: Re: Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

Yea, but how old were they when they got married? Were they around 19,20,21?

Re: Re: Re: Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

My mom was my age, 23. My dad was a few years older.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

Well, thats kind of young to be getting married. I don't think you could seriously be considering it until you hit the age of 25/26. I feel like you just havent had enough experience in life until you hit the mid/late 20s age range. Do you think they got married too young?

Re: Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

I've had one boyfriend cheat on me. I definitely did not stay with him. I dumped him immediately. I just couldn't trust someone ever again after they've cheated on me. I'd always have that question in the back of my head on whether or not they're cheating with me if I chose to stay with him. Admittedly, I cheated on my HS sweetheart. I felt so bad that I broke up with him the next day. Just as I would never date a cheater, I wouldn't want someone to still date me after I've cheated.

I don't think cheating is genetic. I do think it's a learned behavior. You've watched your dad do it and you've heard about your grandfather doing this. Your dad's case happened when you were still young (yes, 15 is young) so it might be embedded in your brain that it's ok because your dad did it. The good thing is that you can change.
I think everyone has had some urge to cheat at a point in their relationship. While on a cruise last year, I met a really hot guy. I was dancing with him and he tried to kiss me. I just told myself "a 30 second kiss is not worth it to ruin a wonderful 2-year relationship". Instead, I turned away and explained to the guy I was taken. :) I think that if you think of things logically while in the heat of the moment (which is hard to do but is possible), you can save yourself the heartache of cheating. Give yourself a minute to think about the relationship you're about to ruin and ask yourself if it's worth it.

Re: Re: Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

I agree 100% with this post!

Re: Re: Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

ZTAngel-

Thanks for your comments, it was well needed. However, I'd like to talk to you about my theory of why I think its genetic/instinctive. For thousands of years my ancestors lived in Northern Europe. Life span was very short, yet people of the Germanic tribes liked to maintain 1 wife at a time. The life span of a germanic tribe member was short compared ot todays life span. That said, men often had more than one wife. Either wives died from childbirth, disease, sickness or whatever. After going on for century after century after century, being with more than one woman becomes more less instinctive. After a species does something repeatedly for centuries, it becomes instinctive like. The problem came in when we, as humans, started living a lot longer. After we started living longer than 25/35 yrs......having more than one wife/lover became taboo. You can't change thousands of years of survival behaivor over night. Our society changes rapidly, thats what made it seem wrong for people to be with more than one woman. We as humans has been relatively the same for over 10,000 years. Do you kind of see where I'm coming from on thinking its more less instinctive rather than a learned behaivor?


Serious Discussion-

Actually, this is not entirely accurate. The life expectancy was shorter overall, that is true. But that figure is heavily skewed by infant and child mortality. You'd be hard pressed in those times to find a family who hadn't had at least one stillbirth, or death of a child. If you could survive to adulthood, your chances of living to old age were greatly increased. So by the time your ancestors were able to marry, chances are they would live as long as the typical person today would.

I haven't given much thought to whether cheating behavior is instinctive, but using your reasoning, it wouldn't be.

Cheating is learned not instinctive..........that's just stupid, no offense.

And as an added bonus, there is never a good excuse to cheat. If you dont liek someone or are tired of them, dump them. If someone cheated on you, be the bigger and more mature of the two and leave them. Dont cheat on them in return to "get them back." You make yourself look just as if not more foolish.

So you're saying that the short life expectantcy was due to the infant mortality rate? I have no problem with that. But what you're not undertstanding is that even if they made it past infancy they still wouldn't live that long past 25/30 thousands of year sago. If they made it out of infancy/early childhood, they usually died from some other unatural cause. If they made it to adulthood, they usually died from some sort of warfare. Give me an example and time period as to why you think they would live to be 70-80 yrs of age thousands of years ago. My early ancestors arent from Egypt or Rome, they were from northern Europe. They had a hard life. You ought to check out the writings by Tacitus. He was a Germanic but Roman. He wrote about viewing the peoples of Germania. Read up on some of his writings and maybe you'll see my reasoning and agree with it.


BTW- Lets try not to get off the topic I wanted to discuss.

Mary, you're missing what I'm trying to get at. I'm trying to break it down and find the cause of why someone wants to do it. What makes a person do it? Some people do it to get back at their BF/GF, I understand that. But my questions is, what is the primal urge for people to cheat even when they have no valid reason to do it? I think it goes back to us trying to survive as humans.


And what do you think actually makes something instinctive? Its something that a species has learned to do over a long period of time and then it becomes natural. They automatically do it inorder to survive. I know this may seem a little deep/crazy.....but its true. Its just over the centuries society has changed and we as humans have remained the same genetically/physically for much longer.

OK my turn
 

cash$,

i was seeing this guy for about three months. saw each other whenever we could, talked every day, texted each other often, he said he liked me, i truly liked him. things were going really well.
i thought ... then he just spent his entire birthday (9 a.m. to 3 a.m.) with his ex-girlfriend. yes, they are friends but come on, a whole day together. what is that about? i've given him the boot but was that a wise move?

suffering blues to the 4th power.
:(

actually, craig isn't completely pulling this out of thin air..there are studies that hypothesize that cheating is in fact a function of evolution/natural selection:

http://mensnewsdaily.com/archive/yz/...oung081203.htm

Cash---Heh, thank ya :) It's funny, right when I'm about to buy a new computer for his car he wants to sell it..oye..lol :p But alas, he's looking to get another student loan to pay off this year and next. His car will be gone a little after Christmas after he puts another coat of paint on it and then we'll be back out "shopping". Whee... ;)

-Kayla

I would have to agree. I've been in a relationship where I was cheated on, and his parent's have been married for a VERY LONG time...so where did he learn it from? It's somewhat instictive...men want to "spread their seed" so to speak. I dunno. God bless my parents for their (almost) 25 years of marriage...I can only hope to find a guy like my daddy that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated...and not cheat. KARMA BABY!

This is actually some really good advice. There's something to be said about waiting to be engaged until at least your senior year in college. I probably did the most maturing in terms of what I wanted out of my life and my relationships between my junior and senior years. 2 years when you're in college really isn't the best indicator of whether or not someone is "the one"--especially when there is so much you haven't seen or done. Does anyone really regret waiting?

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

No. And let me explain why. My mom and dad married in 1977. They were both from the same small town. At the time, you got married when you grew up. That was it. You did not go out and party and have fun and see how many people you could get to know, because you pretty much knew everyone. You're thinking in the context of today's society and from the perspective of someone who hasn't spent most of their life in the country. The reason my parents divorced wasn't because they didn't know each other well enough, or they didn't date enough people beforehand. My dad is just one of those guys who's probably better off as a bachelor.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: AchtungBaby80's Dating Advice...
 

God I hope thats not me.

Now Me...
 

Hey, Cash--I'm not exactly looking for advice, but I want to know what you think, anyway.

I dated "B" for nearly a year. For some reason, I was totally and completely in love with the guy. We've been apart for over a year now. Less than two weeks after we broke up, he had a new girlfriend. Less than two months later, he was engaged. The next month, he was married. He may or may not have been cheating on me. I won't speculate either way, because I don't know for sure.

Naturally, all my friends were totally baffled at this, because they all believed he had been as much in love with me as I had been with him. We found out later that the girlfriend/fiancee/wife was pregnant, and this is the reason they got married.

"B" and I had a VERY bitter break-up, and we were at each others' throats for a long time. Last month, "B" suddenly started talking to me on MSN messenger. He apologized for all the things he'd done to me, told me that I deserved better than he'd done to me, and said he hoped we could be friends (this coming from a guy who'd once said he hated me and never wanted to speak to me ever again). I was stunned, and I acted very coldly toward him.

Since then, he's emailed me twice, and we've talked twice on MSN. I'm not sure if he's still married, because I haven't asked. He's been trying to act as if we're old friends, as if all the things that happened between us never happened; every time we talk, he asks me to forgive him and tells me how wrong he was (this is the first time in all the years I've known him that I've ever heard him admit that he was wrong). I have acted civilly towards "B," but I don't encourage him at all. He also asks about the guy I'm dating.

I've been dating "C" for almost a month. I like him a lot, and he's a lot of fun to be around. "C" is not threatened at all by "B's" sudden re-appearance in my life. "C" is better to me than anyone has ever been before.

A couple of months ago, I would've wanted nothing more than to have "B" come back to me. Now that I've found a wonderful friend in "C," I'm not so happy about "B" popping up again. I don't actually need advice, because I already know what I'm going to do (nothing--I will continue to be civil toward "B" and nothing more and continue dating "C"). What I want to know is why all of a sudden Mr. "I'm-Married-With-A-Baby-And-Hope-You-Die" "B" is coming at me, begging for forgiveness and telling me that I deserved better than he did to me and how he hopes we can be friends? (Don't worry, I won't go back to him--even though he hasn't actually asked me to--I'm just curious.) :p

Sorry for the book! :D

Re: Now Me...
 

My take: B, Mr. "I'm-Married-With-A-Baby-And-Hope-You-Die" has become Mr. "I'm-Married-With-A-Baby-Oh-Shit-How-Did-I-Get-Myself-Into-This-Situation-I'm-Bored-And-Trapped-And-Not-Attracted-To-My-Wife-Who-Doesn't-Have-Time-To-Be-Sexy-And-I-Didn't-Want-A-Baby-Now-And-I-Want-Some-Excitement-From-A-Hot-Young-Thang." Or something like that.

Valkyrie...that's pretty much what I figured, too! :D

Stay away from him...far far away! :D