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Mary Jane and Dirty Ernie
Mary Jane was walking down the street when a man pulled her into a dark alley and started ripping off all her clothes. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.
Mary Jane was in the theater when a man sat down and stuck his hand down her blouse. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed. She knew she kept her money in her shoe. Dirty Ernie's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off. He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby." The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Dirty Ernie says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?" A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them life savers. First she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, "cherry!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next she gave them a white one and they thought about it and finally one kid said, "peppermint?" "excellent," said the teacher. Finally she gave them honey- flavored brown ones. They tasted the life saver, but could not name the flavor. "I'll give you a clue. It's something that your mommy calls your daddy" said the teacher. Suddenly , Dirty Ernie shouted, "Quick ,spit them out ! They're ass holes!" My FIRST and all time fav Dirty Ernie joke. One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started with 'A'. Dirty Ernie was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said bad things. She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple". "Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Ernie was waving his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead. "Butterfly." "Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Ernie was almost having a seizure he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what Ernie would say. "Caterpillar." "Great job, Billy!" She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Ernie. When she got to 'R', Ernie was the only child waving his arm. She thought to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with 'R' so she said, "OK Ernie, give me a word that starts with 'R' ." Ernie stood up straight, smiled and yelled, "RATS Teacher RATS!!!! BIG F*#KING RATS WITH D!*KS THIS F#*KING LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Just for good measure- Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!" |
There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!" Moral of the story: Never lie to girls. |
Re: bad jokes
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Re: Re: bad jokes
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yeah...anyway:rolleyes:
A man is looking for a woman to marry and he's determined she has to be sexually inexperienced. So on the third date with any one he whips out his stuff and says "Do you know what this is?" Invariably she says "A penis." Therefore he thinks that she's seen one before and can't be "sexually inexperienced." One date however, he administers his test and the woman said "Yeah, a pee-pee!!" He decides he'll marry her. On their honeymoon he undresses and says "Do you know what this is?" She says "A pee-pee." He said "No dear, it's a penis." She replies "Like hell! A penis is 11 inches long" |
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Kitso KS 361 times there are jokes on here that i wouldn't repeat for fear of lightning |
Why do fat chicks give good head?
Because they have to. |
Aww man...::looks for lightning:: Ok here's another one (sorry guys)
A couple is at an art gallery and they see a picture with three naked black men sitting on a park bench. The guy in the middle has pink genitals. They find this quite disturbing and sit there for a while pondering it. The artist comes over and asks if they have any questions. They ask if the pink genitals have any sort of racial symbolism and why the other two black men have genitals of their own color. The artist says "Oh...those men aren't black! They're Irish coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch." |
Ok I'll submit another one in penance for my repetition of a joke...
Q: A redneck, a black guy, and two mexicans are in a car. Who's driving? A: The cops |
Okay...
Q:How do you make a woman scream twice? A: Screw her in the ass, then wipe your cock on the curtains. Q: How do you get little black kids to stop jumping on the bed? A: put velcro on the ceiling Q: How do you get them down? A: Tell the little Mexican kids that they're pinatas. ...I'm going to hell, and those weren't even the worst ones I know. |
Tarzan and Jane were in Tarzan's treehouse one day. Jane said "Tarzan, have you ever had sex before?"
Tarzan replies: "There." and points to a hole in the tree. Jane says "no Tarzan, not like that." and proceeds to remove her clothes. "Now Tarzan, let's have sex." Tarzan looks at Jane and then gives her a swift kick in the crotch. Jane screams and cries out "Why did you do that?" Tarzan looks confused and replies "Before sex Tarzan always check for bugs." |
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i know i have a fucked up sense of humor, but i can't be the only one out there. if i offended you, i am truly sorry, but this is PUT YOUR OFFENSIVE OR SICK JOKE HERE (NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED). dont want to step on any more toes, so i wont put any more baby or pedophile jokes on here
let's get started (this is more of a mental picture joke) how do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? pick him up and suck his dick |
a man's wife was in a terrible accident that put her in a coma. while his wife was laying on the hospital bed, the nurse gave her a sponge bath. one of the nurses noticed that when she would put the sponge near her private area, the vitals would pick up a little bit. this gave the nurse an idea. she told the husband, 'i think if you perform oral sex on her, it may wake her up. so the nurses left the husband to have privacy with his wife.
suddenly the nurses heard the monitors flatline. they ran in the room to find the husband zipping up his pants. he looked up and said ' i think i choked her.' :p |
DRINK!!!
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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and *****. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chasecars they have no intention of driving. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "arecipe". How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelieve this shi.t..." My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR. Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides |
Okay, so what's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus. |
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yikes!:eek: :eek: |
i admit that last joke rubbed me the wrong way. i think this thread is hysterical. it is just hard to swallow when its a joke about your personal religious or spiritual beliefs. however, i am a big girl. i can take it. i am feeling okay. ;)
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note: i am jewish.
q: whats the difference between a jew and a pizza? a: a pizza doesn't scream when you put it in an oven |
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q: what part of popeye will never rust?
a: the part he puts into olive oil q: why do roosters not have hands? a: cause hens dont have tits. q: what does a condom have in common with a woman? a: they both spend more time in the man's pocket than on the end of his penis. q: what did one lesbian frog say to other? a:wow, we do taste like chicken. q: what is a blonde's mating call? a: i am so drunk!! q: what is an ugly blonde's mating call? a: i said, 'I AM SO DRUNK!!' q: how can you tell if a witch is horny? a: see which end of the broomstick she is riding. little boy: mommy where do babies come from? mom: the stork brings them little boy: well then who f**** the stork? |
what f***s like a tiger and winks?
;) |
nightmare on sesame street
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Poor Big Bird
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note: I am Jewish
Have you heard about the new car Ford is making for the Jewish demographic? It stops on a dime, and picks it up too. Why do Jews have such big noses? Air is Free Why did the Jews wonder around the desert for 40 years? Someone dropped a quarter. |
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before swallowing Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? A: The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts. Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? A: The one who can eat the last two donuts. Q: What does KFC and a woman have in common? A: Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in. Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? A: They can both smell it but they can't eat it Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike? A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand. Q: How can you tell when your dogs are kinky? A: They start doing it in the missionary position. Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak |
Q:How are a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist the same?
A: They both have wet noses Q: Why didn't Barbie ever get pregnant? A: Because Ken always came in a different box. |
How do you make a dead baby float?
8 oz. ginger ale, two scoops dead baby |
I have a dirty joke, but it's a visual so it won't translate on GC. :)
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What is 69 plus 69?
Dinner for four. If you want to sleep for 9 hours but your wife wants two hours of sex, how much sleep will you get? 8 hours and 59 min. who cares what the wife wants! Did you hear about the morning after pill for men? It changes their blood type. Why do women have two holes so close together? In case the man misses |
This midget is jacking off one day and thinks that he must have the tiniest penis in the whole world. He asks all his friends and family and they agree that it's the smallest they've ever seen. Finally a friend suggests that he check out the Guinness Book of World Records and look for "Smallest Penis". So he opens it up to the page for "Smallest Penis" and gasps in horror. Then he says "Who's James?"
sorry babe...I had to use your name :) |
OK, we all know how a 10 year old will repeat anything they hear. So here's a joke playing on that
One day a 10 year old boy hears his parents fighting, his dad calls his mom a b*tch and his mom calls his dad and @$$h0le. So he asks what a b*tch and an @$$h0le are. His dad replies "Oh they're my boss and the people I work with" The boy accepts this and moves on with life. Later he hears his parents having sex and they mention tits and dick in their bedroom talk. He later asks them what they are. His mom tells him, "oh they're new words for coats and hats." The boy figures his mom wouldn't lie to him so he guess that's what they are. The next morning he wakes up(it just so happens to be Thanksgiving, don't ask me I know it doesn't make sense but it will later) and goes into the bathroom where his dad is shaving. His dad cuts him self and says $h*t. The boy asks what shit is and his dad answers with, "It's this new type of shaving cream I'm using." as he puts some on his face. The boy heads down stairs where his carving the turkey. She cuts her self with the knife and says "F*ck!" the curious boy asks his mom what that work means and she responses, "It's a new way of carving the turkey I'm trying." Now at that moment the door bell rings. The boy goes to answer it and it turns out to be his dad's boss and a few co-workers. The boy greets them with, "Hello B*tches and @$$h0les, may I take your tits and dicks, my dad is upstairs smearing $h*t on his face while my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey." |
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? ( because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know...... it never happened) 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) *For anyone who knows anything about medical insurance providers, this should hit home pretty well...* Questions about HMOs Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. ============================================== Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country. ============================================== Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. ============================================== Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. ============================================== Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. ============================================== Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. ============================================== Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. ============================================== Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 Co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it. |
why did the woman cross the road?
thats not the question, the question is why the fuck is she out of the kitchen? whats a guy do when the light bulb burns out in the kitchen? nothin, make the bitch cook in the dark why do brides wear white? its nice for the fridge and the DISHWASHER to match what's a guy do when the dishwasher stops working? slaps it on the ass and tells her to get back in the kitchen (here's one for the farmers) why do women have one more brain cell than a cow? so they don't shit on the floor when you squeeze their tits (common sense that cows shit every time they are milked, for you non-rural people) what do you tell a girl with two black eyes? nothin, you already told her twice if i ever get divorced, i will always keep a tampon on my tv to always remember that it was a chick that got me into that relationship, and to never let me forget that she's also the one who has the DVD player |
I heard it a different way....
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This is how the joke I know goes... A border patol officer catches a man crossing the border without a passport. The officer asks him to use a sentence with the words green, pink, and yellow in it to see if he was truly a U.S. Citizen. The man says, "When the telephone goes "grin grin", I pink it up and I say, 'Jello?'" No offense to Mexican Americans cuz I'm one of them! |
Why are firetrucks red ?
You'd be red too if your hose was hanging out. |
OK, this one isn't nearly as bad as some of the others on this thread... :)
A mom and dad took their 3-year-old son out to McDonald's. "Toy Story" had just come out, so all the Happy Meals, soda cups, etc. were all "Toy Story" themed. The little one had a child-sized soda with a picture of one of the minor "Toy Story" characters on the cup. Mom had a medium soda with a picture of Buzz Lightyear. Dad had a large soda with a picture of Woody. When they got their sodas, the little boy loudly announced to the restaurant: "Look, Daddy, you've got a Woody!" |
Why is a stoplight red?
You'd be red too if you had to change in front of all those people! Why is a pool table green? You'd be green too if someone kept hitting your balls with a stick! Why is a fire hydrant red? You'd be red too if someone kept screwing your top! Why does Peter Pan fly? You'd fly too if someone hit you in the peter with a pan! Sorry, those were bad! Here's a better one: Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper! P.S. Why are all blonde jokes one-liners? So men can understand them! |
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