And you would have every right to! Forget that "two wrongs don't make a right" nonsense! Not that I'm saying you should cheat...(PER SE) http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif....I'm just saying If you did decide to retaliate...he couldn't say one word! What COULD he say?!?
Shoot! Me, personally, I would go around ACTING suspicious just to keep his *ss squirming! Remember, what's good for the goose is good for the gander... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif
Girl...you don't have to cheat...but just think of it as having a "Get out of jail free" card....if you do slip up, give his *ss the card and keep on going!



[This message has been edited by Sexy Mocha (edited September 01, 2000).]

Oh! And another thing....Why is it that when men cheat, us women are expected to fuss, fight, cry but get over it...but God forbid WE cheat...all hell's gonna break loose! Men will lose their everlasting minds! Y'all know that's considered the eighth deadliest sin to their species....I think it has something to do with the ENORMOUS ego that's just as much a part of them as testosterone....I don't know.
Ok, now that I've talked 'nuff sh*t...I'll be going http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

I agree with much of what you said(especially the "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" line); but I find it interesting that most women REFUSE to acknowledge THE FACT that THEIR BEHAVIOR actually PUT their men between the legs of another woman. Sometimes a man really loves a woman but can't put up with her mouth, distrust in him(even when he's legit), and overall negative behavior. He tolerates her as long as he can in hopes that she'll see the light; then gets to the point where the next kind face that comes along captivates him, and he takes a little break from his woman to see this fine, confident bird!

Dang, Original Ape!!! I didn't expect that kind of response to Sexy Mocha!! Like I said I am that "rare person" that doesn't cheat. I told him that if I met someone I wanted to be with I would just tell him that it was over and that I wanted to date other men. But, I agree with Sexy Mocha -- I have aftershave and cologne and stuff in my house from previous relationships before him and I just buy stuff to keep around and plus department stores give you samples and stuff and I always keep it and when he came over last he questioned me why all this stuff was on the dresser and I just told him I was cleaning out the drawer. He acted like someone had been over here using it and it's only because he's expecting me to cheat and do the same. Original ape -- check yo self -- PLEASE!!

BlueReign,

My ex was/is a strong South Carolina Lady. During that time it was somewhat like an eye opener. We both realized that we had something good and after my actions we did have a period when we were ALWAYS by each others side. After the trust was fully restored things were norman again. Although Ms. Alston and I are no longer we remain the best of friends. In fact, we still visit each other and a part of her will always be in love with her.

Girl, I didn't either! Thanks for backing a sista up! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

I think Mocha knows that my comments weren't directed at her specifically. If she doesn't, I'm sorry Mocha for the misunderstanding. However; I stand by my statements because they are true. Many women refuse to look in the mirror and see what's really there because they are internalized at early ages that all men are dogs, and they should expect men to cheat. It's true-we are all dogs; but we will either be a good dog or bad dog, and THAT depends on our mate!

Oh Yeah; Why should I check myself?

Because you said that in so many words that our actions put our men between the legs of another woman!! What the hell kind of statement is that. You know for yourself that all could be going well for you and you love your woman to death but sometimes you just want to "smell" something else. Like Sexy Mocha said, it's the testosterone or something...... http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/confused.gif

Men!! Go figure!!

Naw sista, listen. It's true; many of us are into variety. But it's also true that many times we trully are satisfied with that one woman in our lives; but she refuses to believe it, and end up having us constantly prove our innocence. You may have a friend or associate that does this. Many times we simply refuse to do this-inspite of the fact that we are in love with the bugga that's got us like this; and so it happens. After constantly telling our hearts to chill out wit dat and they don't, their subsequent behavior forces us to go places that put us in those kinds of predicaments. I hope I said that right.

What?!! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/confused.gif

I don't know what to say to that!! http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif

It's a RARE ocassion to hear a woman acknowledge the fact that she CAUSED her man to drift. It's like many woman believe they couldn't have caused it; like they can do NO WRONG. Honesty is genderless.

This line is quiet now; but I'd be willing to bet my house that 9 out of 10 bruthas have been pushed out of relationships they DID NOT WANT TO END because of the way their women act/think. Some women nag, suspect their men without justification, then act on that suspicion until the man's had enough.

Original, being the REAL woman that I am, I must interject! One of the main reasons why these ladies act the way that they do is simply b/c they are simple minded. What I mean by this is that they are so insecure they feel that they must argue, fuss, fight and God only knows what else to get their man's attention. They feel like if they make a mountain out of a mole hill, they have accomplished something....NOT!! Most men that I know get fed up with that kind of behavior and turn to someone who has sense enough to know that if the two people in the relationship are holding up their ends of it and the union is meant to be, then everything else is secondary! I'm out, on that note....

And like that.....She was gone

[This message has been edited by Intensify (edited September 11, 2000).]

When bruthas are looking to set it down and get real, all of yall gon' be taken'!

It's hard tryin' to find a gem in a barrel full of fake diamonds!

Umm....

Whatever happened to personal responsibility? Why is a man "forced" to cheat on his woman? If she is so insecure, nagging, etc., why doesn't he either sit her down and work that out, or LEAVE?

It is beyond lame to suggest that the person cheated on caused the behavior of the cheater. We all make decisions of our own free will, and if we choose to stay in bad relationships, we still must abide by the guidelines established in the beginning (fidelity, trust, etc.). If not, it's pretty chumpish to blame our actions on another. I mean, if I go upside your head, can I blame you for making me mad-"driving me to it"? If I eat your dessert that you left on the table when you excused yourself to the restroom, can I say you left me no choice, leaving that luscious brownie out there for me to stare at? If I hit your car when backing out of a parking space, can I absolve myself of responsibility/guilt by saying "you shouldn't have parked your car there; you knew it was dangerous"? Where do we draw the line and accept that we do things because we WANT to (like cheating).

What did Cedric the Entertainer say in "Kings of Comedy"? Something about black folk living off of the "Wish Principle"? I WISH my husband WOULD use a lame-butt excuse like that! He wouldn't be gone because of the cheating, he'd be gone because of the stupidity of forming his mouth to say some mess like "your nagging, etc. FORCED me to cheat."

Keeping your man/woman happy at home should be something you WANT to do because you love them, not something you feel threatened to do so they won't cheat. What if you're doing "everything right," and they still cheat? What lie do you come up with then????

And a postscript: Intensify, if these men are turning to women who "have enough sense to know..." then why are they stupid enough to mess around with someone who is cheating on their woman?




[This message has been edited by Discogoddess (edited September 11, 2000).]

Have any of you bruhs been in love, messed around on yo girl, AND TOLD HER? What happened? Did you lose her? Was it worth it to tell?
--
Very interesting topic... My response is lengthy, so be prepared. After dropping out of college and having a child with my now, ex-husband, at the age of 20. We had constant arguments and fights (typical of two post-teenagers shacking up). We broke up for 4 months only to reconcile and get married. We had both decided, prior to us getting married, that if either one of us were to get 'pregnant' by someone outside of our relationship we would be cool with it due to the time of separation. In hindsight, he set me up to agree to this so that I would be prepared for what was to come. We got married two months after our reconciliation and I was a couple of weeks pregnant with our 2nd child at the time of our marriage. By the fourth month of our marriage he said "Oops- you know, someone is pregnant with my child." Of course, leading me to believe that this child was conceived when we were separated. By the 7th month of our marriage (I'm also 7 months pregnant at this time), I receive a nice certified 5-page letter from 'baby momma' for him that has pictures of a child that's about a year old. Hence, baby was conceived when we were TOGETHER!!! He blamed the whole entire situation upon me and never took responsibility for his actions. I attempted to pick up the threads of our marriage and go through counseling and welcomed a child that wasn't mine and my newborn to our 'happy' household. Why, you may ask, am I airing my dirty laundry? I'd like you brothers to really think about the original post. When you do decide--and pay attention to YOU DECIDING- to go out there and cheat, think about your 'real responsibility' to that act. Meaning, yes, I am jumping in bed with someone outside of my relationship; therefore, I have to really be responsible for ANY and EVERYTHING that may come of it. Now, a lot of you bruhs, will be quite responsible and may have been a man and actually informed your significant other of what you had committed prior to marriage. Unfortunately, my ex didn't. Honestly, it's not the cheating that killed our marriage. It was the inability to accept the responsibility for the action and the failure to respect me enough to allow ME the opportunity to make an informed decision. What would you have done?

Hey; I ain't no hata but uh, I would've handled you differently. nO MATTA WHAT THAT BRUTHA DID, HIS INTENTION WAS NOT TO HURT YOU. In fact, most people lie to hide the painful truth from the one they love; you know dis.

I feel for you girl. Believe me; he's feelin' pain too. He's probably searchin' now for a way to make it up to you.

Original Ape,
I don't believe that when a person cheats its with the intention to hurt. I sincerely believe that the issue is when making the decision to go outside of your relationship, one has to be prepared for all repercussions. The initial repercussion is the loss of trust between both parties. The cheater is definitely not going to trust the person they cheated on due to the fact that they're waiting for the action to be reciprocated. I experienced that with him along with all of the other trauma of a broken relationship due to infidelity. In your previous posts with Sexy Mocha, you made the comment about a person being driven to cheat. Because I've experienced this firsthand, I must say that that is a total crock. Yes, I can be woman enough and 'human' enough to admit that I did my wrong in the relationship; however, I feel very strongly that my actions do not determine his unfaithfullness. God has blessed us with the ability to make decisions in our lives. Hence, when things are REALLY bad in a relationship, don't play the victim and DECIDE to cheat. Be an informed adult and DECIDE that this relationship is not going to work and DECIDE to get out before you DECIDE to cheat. I'll get off my soap box now! PEACE

[This message has been edited by jazbri (edited September 13, 2000).]

First; we all have different ways of seeing things, AND different levels of patience. Secondly, I agree with you. I believe a person should just end it once they see "the change"; but leaving may not be their best option-especially if the cheater HAS demonstrated love for their mate. I know of many situations where a man/woman cheated and it had nothing to do with ANYONE'S feelings. Nor did it have anything to do with the condition of their relationship. It's a sign of the times. I don't advocate cheating; I realize it as an ugly fact of life. The point I've been trying to bring home is that it's not always the man's fault. Also, I wanted to note that leaving may not always be the best option. Some situations call for a customized fix.

First; we all have different ways of seeing things, AND different levels of patience. Secondly, I agree with you. I believe a person should just end it once they see "the change"; but leaving may not be their best option-especially if the cheater HAS demonstrated love for their mate. I know of many situations where a man/woman cheated and it had nothing to do with ANYONE'S feelings. Nor did it have anything to do with the condition of their relationship. It's a sign of the times. I don't advocate cheating; I realize it as an ugly fact of life. The point I've been trying to bring home is that it's not always the man's fault. Also, I wanted to note that leaving may not always be the best option. Some situations call for a customized fix.

[b]First; we all have different ways of seeing things, AND different levels of patience. Secondly, I agree with you. I believe a person should just end it once they see "the change"; but leaving may not be their best option-especially if the cheater HAS demonstrated love for their mate. I know of many situations where a man/woman cheated and it had nothing to do with ANYONE'S feelings. Nor did it have anything to do with the condition of their relationship. It's a sign of the times. I don't advocate cheating; I realize it as an ugly fact of life. The point I've been trying to bring home is that it's not always the man's fault. Also, I wanted to note that leaving may not always be the best option. Some situations call for a customized fix.[b]

Original Ape,

I agree that, yes, we all have different perspectives on how we view things in addition to different levels of patience. I know a whole lot of sistahs that would not have become the 'poster child' of "standing by you man" as I did for three years. Not tooting my own horn, just expressing to you my dedication to my marriage. I think you may have missed my point. I believe sincerely that if you are moved to cheat, you should do both yourself and your partner a favor by separating. However, if the act has occurred, I feel that {especially if you're married} you should make all efforts to reconcile. My reconciliation wasn't possible because my mate didn't accept responsibility for his actions. He felt that I pushed him to cheat. He justified his cheating as a reaction to what I was doing wrong in the relationship. That is why I disagree with your claim that men can be driven to cheat. I don't accept that as an excuse. Additionally, I don't agree that cheating is a sign of the times. I think the divorce rate (50%) is a sign of the times. Men/women have been cheating for years. Marriages nowadays seem to no longer be able to withstand the trauma that cheating inflicts. Not to say that the divorce rate is attributed to cheating; but, I'm certain that it's probably one of the top reason. In closing, we, humans that we are, in this day age are in an "instant gratification" mode. Everything we do is centered around instant gratification from finances to our relationships. If we're not getting what we feel we deserve at home. We'll find it elsewhere. It's a sad state of affairs.

I can't debate ANYTHING you've said. I would ask (though) if you asked him HOW he may felt that you PUSHED him into cheating. Then ask other men have they ever felt that way. You may find that, however crazy it may seem to you, some men may be able to identify with the way your man felt. I am, in no way, suggesting that you are at fault; I am, however, suggesting that he PERCEIVED some behavior of yours to be so provoking as to make him seek other companionship. In any event, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it was a "sad state of affairs". People today DO give up too easily.

Yes, I must agree and I firmly believe in character assessments. It's only through taking a personal inventory on my strengths and weaknesses that I can grow. How nice it would be to take an inventory of all the brothers to see what are the 'flammable' character defects they find in sisters. Not the superficial stuff, but the stuff that we as women do to erode your manhood. I can say for myself that I am just really learning to deal with men with sensitivity and understanding.
PEACE

You gon be alright girl!