Re: what she don't know woun't hurt her
 

This is not aimed only at Professor but, cheaters in general (men and women):

Don't you think that if people thought about their mate's "mental and emotional well-being" BEFORE cheating, they wouldn't be in this situations such as this one?

Re: Re: Re: don't read too much into it
 

Glad to know that there are Black people who listen to Dr. Laura. Although I don't always agree with her, her advice is really common sense.


I totally agree about people who put themselves in appropriate situations and then say "things just happen". Every person makes decisions every day and there is a consequence for decisions.

Since the dirty deed has been done, the question is should you tell her or not. I suggest that you do, since the chances are that she will find out. You already told the internet world and you have already posted enough info. about yourself that anyone could potentially leak that info. to your fiancee.

Re: what she don't know woun't hurt her
 

Aren't you the SAME person who was saying that he couldn't understand why women took it so seriously and it didn't mean anything?

Obviously you know that that is untrue, that it means a lot, and that it is wrong. You appear to be trying to justify it any way you can.

Professor, I think that you should tell her. It is one thing for it to happen, but for her to find out it happened and that you lied about it will in fact make it worse.

If you come to her and tell her, she may or may not forgive you but she will at least know that you respected her as a human being enough to tell her (even if that respect slipped your mind when you cheated). If you respect her as well as love her you will treat her as an adult and not as a posession. She is not something you "have", she is a human being who has the right to decide her own fate, and you as someone who loves her have the obligation to make sure that she knows the truth.

Ladies, let me play devil's advocate. Be honest, and think about it. If the tables were turned, would you tell that you cheated? Most people don't consider "basic" flirting as cheating, but if you committed anything dishonest, would you tell?

Since you flipped the script
 

If she tells, what will HE think of her? Maybe if he tells her, she'll stay with him and have those "issues", etc. but she will remain with him. (mayyyyyybe)

Now, on the other hand, how will HE REACT?

:cool: :confused:

Valid point, AKA2D '91
You answer first! Anyway, on the real, I admit, it might be hard to forgive. We men are too territorial. But, you dodge the question. Would you tell?

I really and truly can not ever imagine myself doing that, and can only think that if I did cheat it would be because there was already a problem with the relationship and I wanted a way out.

If I cheated I feel like the only reason I'da done it was so I could tell!

Lovely, I hear you, but I am still playing the role, okay. Are you saying that wanting a way out justifies cheating?

I'm not saying wanting a way out will justify cheating- I think that it is terrible to deliberately hurt another person that way instead of just being honest and telling them you don't want to be with them.

I was just trying to think of why the heck one would do something so destructive. I don't think that there is a justification for cheating personally (I'm sorry if people think I am being harsh, this is just my feeling on the subject). If you're not happy with your relationship then leave! You won't make anything better by staying and hurting the other person.

Then: NO, Now: Leave the relationship PRIOR to the act
 

Nope. :o. I'd tell him after he made me :mad: . ;) :p (That was me a couple of years ago).

Now, instead of cheating, I'd just end the relationship.

Very true. I too cannot understand cheating, Lovely, but I am trying not to put myself above Professor. He truly loved his lady. I remember his excitement whne he proposed. Thus, as a fellow man, I know he is not as bad as some people are out to make him.
There is no excuse for cheating. None. I have never cheated, and don't intend to. But I understand how hard it would be to come clean. That's the scariest thing. Can't you ladies relate. How would you react if your man came, weeping, telling you he had just failed you?

Ah ha!!!! *pointing at AKA2D '91*

Just kidding.

It depends on the relationship.

THe easy answer would be to kick the bastid out, lol. But it really depends on our history- what is our bond, do we have kids, etc. If there were children involved I might try to work it out.

I would probably break off the relationship, but I think before I did I would just want to know why. I don't think that people just cheat. There has to be a reason. What was lacking in our relationship for this to happen. If the cheating stemmed from a problem between the two of us then I might want to work it out but I HONESTLY don't know if we would ever get past it.

Hmmm, tough question.

ah ha what?
 

personal growth, development, deliverance and maturity....IT'S A WONDERFUL THANG! :p ;)

LOL @ AKA2D '91. You ladies keep me on my toes...

It seems there is always an overwhelming reason to know "why". Why is that?
Another question: it is said that women are ill-equpied to deal with a mates infidelity. How do you feel about this?

Don't change the subject...we're still flipping the script.
 

you never answered my question....go back, brotha go back!

:D


(I'll see what you have to say in the AM)
:cool:

what will you GAIN by telling?....NOTHING!
 

I agree that a person should never cheat. But if its done its done. If that person is TRULY sorry, they should never do it again.
People are acting like I'm crazy for telling Proffessor not to tell. Why don't you tell Proffessor what he will GAIN by telling?
Somebody said that if his wife finds out on her own, she made take the kids, the house, etc....do you think she wouldn't do that ANYWAY if he told her? that makes no sence. If he wants to PREVENT his kids from the pain of divorce, PREVENT unrest in his happy home, PREVENT his wife from going thru all the pain and emotional devistation (from which she will be SCARRED for life), then he shouldn't tell her. The urge to tell comes from guilt. This guilt will not be alleviated by telling. He should carry the burden of guilt and spare his wife AND kids from the pain of his actions. What she don't know woun't hurt her...why destroy what you have? It doesn't make sence. Knowing you did the right thing does not produce a better outcome than saving your wife and kids from the pain. So please tell me what possible gain he can get from confessing. explain to me how the positives of telling outweight the negatives of keeping it to himself.....they DON'T.

for the sake of your wifes self-esteem and mental well being
for the sake of your kids

DON"T TELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can honestly say that yes, I would tell my husband! I care about his LIFE too much to allow him to be intimate with me after another man has been...well, you know! We always "joke" that if one of us cheated, we should "make up" reasons to either A.) not have sex with each other until we could find the words to confess; or B.) "create" some uncomfortable rash, etc. in the nether regions that would necessitate using birth control/safe sex mechanisms we do not currently use (e.g., condoms). Meaning, if you've just GOT to have sex with me after cheating on me, at LEAST respect my life enough to protect me from your potentially disease-ridden pee-pee!

Regardless of what he might think of me after telling him, my husband's LIFE AND HEALTH are more important to me than saving face and not telling him. HE deserves the truth so that HE, not I, can make the decision to stay with me or leave. When you mess up, YOU DON'T get to control how the other person behaves!!!! You can't tell them to not "blow it out of proportion"; you can't ask them when they want to stop hearing you say/show that you're sorry; you can't tell them how to grieve, when to be mad, when to forgive you, etc.

This is one of the reasons (besides my promise made to him and God on the marriage altar) that I wouldn't cheat, cuz I don't ever want to have to confess. I've been there before, and it ain't pretty.

In this specific situation, I think Professor should pray on it, take a deep breath, and tell her! Man up and be prepared for the consequences, cuz they're going to be there, whether you tell her today, in a year or never. May the Lord bless you and keep you both.

Thank you all for your input -especially those that sent PM! In addition I ask that my GC family not hold this over my head. For the record, this has been a really difficulty thing for me to come to terms with. I have decided not to tell. I plan to just move on and not think about the "accident." I know many of you think this is the wrong choice and I respect your opinions. For me this is the best decision. By telling I stand to loose the best thing that has happened to me and I can't risk it. Those that know the words and the worth of prayer, please remember me.:(

I know you've mad your decision but I can't help saying that what you are doing is the most selfish thing ever. She has the right to possibly be with a man that will respect her every moment of the day whether he is physically around her or not. Or at least she deserves honesty from the man who claims to love her. By not providing her with the same choice you had (which is to be with someone else), that is just plain SELFISH. I pray to God that WHEN this woman finds out (and she will believe me because your guilt at sometime will shine through and SHE WILL figure it out or someone else may tell) that she does not suffer as much embarassment as I'm sure she will. Meaning, she will be thinking about how long your boys might have known or others may have known (even if they didn't, she will think it) and how everyone saw her being the loving wifey to you and all the while you had it good 'cause you could do what you wanted and still keep her. It will be embarassment on top of everything else.

It sounds like you've made up your mind but I say if you love her, give her the chance to decide how her life should be and with whom, be it you or someone else. Doesn't she deserve at least that?!!!!! Doesn't she deserve to be as happy with someone as you were the night of your "accident" :rolleyes: ?

If she does this to you, I guess you would want her to be selfish and say that she won't tell you either because she doesn't want to lose you. And so then does it become okay for you both to keep cheating on one another and not tell because neither one of you want to lose the other one? Why not just make it a habit and never tell each other the truth about anything?

I'm sorry for being so harsh. I am just so sick of people being completely selfish in this day and age in all aspects of their lives. Always talking about what's best for them. Interesting :rolleyes: :mad: ? Where's the integrity and character?

Also, if you decided to tell, you never know if this woman may forgive you, see the good in you and try to work it out anyway. That does happen, you know. Also, if she stays with you after it all, maybe you having to tell her and see the pain in her face will DEFINITELY keep you from ever cheating again for not wanting to see her hurt like that again. Sometimes when a person has to SEE the consequences of their actions, it makes them avoid making those same bad choices again. Because other than that, what is to stop you from doing it again?

Not that you should care, but my issues aren't whether or not you can work it out, or if you're a good person (which you may be) but that first it shouldn't have happened in the first place and second now that it has happend she deserves some choices in this as well.

Please don't get mad at me for all my opinions, but you posted your business so I just replied. I will pray that things work out for you both the way God intends for them to.

I agree with your statements.

Professor, I really honestly think that your girl will find out. If not through you, then through an acquaintance, or friend, or God forbid through the woman you cheated with. This is one of those secrets that is tough to keep, REAL tough.

I wish you the best, but I too think that your behavior on this one is very, very selfish. I can only hope that you used protection when you cheated and don't give this woman more than infidelity to worry about.

Re: The flip side
 

Don't listen to these SELF-RIGHTEOUS posts
 

Proffessor...don't pay any attention to all the self-righteous posts you are recieving. Most people who are in your position wouldn't tell. You are NOT being selfish. Not telling has a chance for saving her embarrasment. Telling will DEFINITELY make her embarrassed.
She will benefit from CONTINING to be HAPPILY married to you. She will suffer from knowledge of your accident. This doesn't sound selfish to me. If you tell, there will be positive and negative outcomes. If you keep it to yourself, there will be positive and negative outcomes...do the math...which scenario is most positive? Everybody wants to front like they are so honest..thats B.S.! There are ALOT of things that go on in your head and thoughts you think that you'd NEVER tell somebody. Some of these thoughts would turn them off and make them wanna leave you...but I dont see people giving their mate the "choice" to stay or leave. Prime example, alot of times when you marry someone, and have kids, they look worse than the day you first met. Maybe your wife is overweight and looks disgusting to you. You still love her and will stay with her, but imagine being "honest" with her and telling her how you feel. Nothing good will come out of it. You'll scar her. maybe she'll leave since you think she's ugly now. There are plenty of "honest" things we could confess to, but it just makes no sence. It will do more harm than good.

Most of the people telling you to confess are women. the only reason they are telling you to confess is because they would hope their man would do that. (Women stick together). I'm willing to bet 9/10 of them were cheated on and are taking their bitterness out on you. Nobody who lives in the REAL WORLD would expect someone to confess to a wrong like that. How many people commit crimes and go to the police and confess? If someone stole your wallet or your car...you'd waste alot of time waitin for someone to come forth and confess. Comeone people...lets stop putting our issues off on Professor. Lets be REALISTIC hear..and lets stop being so self-righteous like we are honest 100% of the time. Wether she finds out now or later, its STILL gonna hurt, shes STILL gonna be embarrassed, and all of the other drama. Right now she's not feeling those emotions. It is possible she may NEVER find out and thus never have to feel those emotions. You all should stop being selfish in what your self-righteous self think should happen and focus on her. She's in bliss right now...happily married. Let her keep her happiness.

Re: Don't listen to these SELF-RIGHTEOUS posts
 

Sigh. I straddled the fence on my first post. Tell, don’t tell, pros and cons. But this post is too much. I will try to address everything, by paragraph.

First of all, it is frivolous to think that the primary emotion to prevent in this situation is “embarrassment.” It is SO much deeper. But let’s say, for the sake of argument, that this was the case. I, personally, would be far more embarrassed (not to mention the myriad of much stronger, deeper emotions), to find out from someone else, (or on my own for that matter), that the man I come home to, the man that smiles at me and tells me he loves me, has slept with another woman. However, embarrassed would definitely be on the lower end of the spectrum, taking the backseat to feelings of humiliation, betrayal, and hurt. IF the man told me himself, in the privacy of our own home, I would feel all of these same feelings. But at LEAST I would have a modicum of respect for his honesty, and at LEAST I would still have that shred of dignity that would have been out the window if I had found out some other way.

She will benefit from being happily married? Really? What kind of marriage is it when the man doesn’t even have enough respect for the woman to be completely honest?

Your analogy is juvenile, at best. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the scenario, so I will refrain from commenting on it.

Now. If women “stick together” and are telling Professor to confess because it is what they would want, that should tell you something! ALL of the women that have posted have been in a consensus. That is not to say that the posters on GC are representative of ALL women, mind you, but since the question was posed on GC, that is the sample you get. What do you think caused “ 9/10 of the women” who have been cheated on to feel bitter? I would wager that it wasn’t the “embarrassment” they felt by being told by their mate.

This post is not about everyone else. It is about Professor. He asked for opinions, and that is what he got. Whether or not those opinions have been jaded by personal experience is not the issue at hand. Since I am on this, I am wondering why you even asked for opinions, Professor, since you clearly have not taken them into consideration?

As for the last statement…. “she’s in bliss right now…happily married…” They say ignorance is bliss. Professor, would you say your wife is ignorant? Of course she isn’t. She isn’t blind either. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be next month, next week, or next year…but it will come to light. Do not underestimate your wife more than you already have.

Stoplook_listen, if I were you, I would follow the advice in your signature.

Re: Don't listen to these SELF-RIGHTEOUS posts
 

LMBAO LMBAO LMBAO LMBAO:D

[QUOTE]Originally posted by stoplook_listen
[B]Proffessor...don't pay any attention to all the self-righteous posts you are recieving. Most Prime example, alot of times when you marry someone, and have kids, they look worse than the day you first met. Maybe your wife is overweight and looks disgusting to you. You still love her and will stay with her, but imagine being "honest" with her and telling her how you feel. Nothing good will come out of it. You'll scar her. maybe she'll leave since you think she's ugly now. There are plenty of "honest" things we could confess to, but it just makes no sence. It will do more harm than good.


Stoplook_listen, if I were you, I would follow the advice in your signature.

Re: Don't listen to these SELF-RIGHTEOUS posts
 

Okay, I am definitely through posting. But according to you, I guess we should all model ourselves after criminals :rolleyes: ?

Among the BEST advice Profrssor is going to get on this issue:
 

PRAY ABOUT IT AND LET GOD LEAD YOUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS!

... then again, how many ladies answered my last question? Thus, I don't think any of us should condemn anybody. Wear the dang shoe...

What question?

Okay I reread the posts and I think I know your question. Yes I would tell. Never cheated so have had nothing like that to tell. Have I innocently flirted with people in the past? Yes, who hasn't. Have I told, yep sure have. Even though I was COMPLETELY sure that that flirting would not lead anywhere because I neither had feelings for nor was attracted to the person I was flirting with (usually just a good friend who knew there was no way in hell they would get with me). The last time I "flirted" with anyone was back when I was single in college or right after graduating and that was years ago. But in the past, I told because if anyone else might have overheard and thought I was "seriously" trying to get with someone else, then I preferred for the person I was with to hear it from me. Also, sometimes maybe I was just playing around but maybe it was going to far (only in words, never ever physical 'cause that ain't my style), then I would tell my man and sometimes that would make me realize how inappropriate I may have been behaving even though I truly was just playing and nothing else. It's about respecting another person, especially the person you claim to love.

One thing about me is that I am very honest with myself and others. There's no point in not being honest because honesty to me equals accepting reality.

Also, can't you tell how much I believe in not putting yourself in any potential inappropriate situations. Whenever I felt that something could potentially become miscontrued be it my fault or not, then I PERMANENTLY removed myself from the situation. That's what I believe you will do if you KNOW what's most important to you.

For me, if I am constantly reminding myself how important someone/thing is to me then I am less likely to risk losing it.

My grandparents always say "when you take something for granted you just might get it taken away for good."

I gotta go with DST Love on this one. Goodness, everything in life is a CHOICE. There wouldn't BE a seduction if you weren't PRESENT to be subjected to it, would there? And I would go out on a limb and say that 95% of the time, you can pretty much tell if someone is attracted to you to the extent that they would seduce you, or "pounce on you," if given the oppurtunity. The other 5%, chalk it up to pure denial.

I just really abhor when people make poor desicions and try to blame it on everyone but themselves. Sure, there are always going to be mitigating factors, and you are not always going to be able to control everything around you. But unless there is some EXTREME situation - like if (s)he ties you up, strips you naked, and rapes you - there is no way that you can deny that you had a choice of whether to give in or not. Be a (WO)MAN, and admit you were dead wrong, and move on.

What about you TLAW. You seem to like playing devil's advocate...would you tell?

The Bigger Picture
 

I'll first tell you all a story and then I'll close with my point.

I had a child with a man prior to marrying him. We married, five months into our marriage I received pictures from a woman that he'd had a child with. I didn't know about the woman nor did I know about the child. I've left alot of information out but those are the basic facts.

POINT: The bigger picture here Professor, is that you're about to make a COMMITTMENT for life. I beg of you to really analyze what it is besides the urges of your penis to put you in the situation where you've cheated on your fiance. It is my firm opinion that there is a problem if not within your relationship than with you. If you cannot adhere to a monogamous relationship now, what will be your foundation for being committed after marriage?

Outside of thinking about what you lack internally to make a lifetime commitment to a woman. I'd also urge you to think of the bigger issues to look at outside of your 'indiscretion'. I don't know how long ago this 'indiscretion' was; but,what if you impregnated this woman?

In my situation, I wasn't given the choice to make a decision about a man who'd not only cheated but had a child outside of our relationship. I accepted him and this child for two years. Unfortunately, this man was not able to take responsibility for his 'transgression'. He blamed the issues that were going on in our relationship rather than taking ownership for what he'd done (the act of cheating). I could have gotten past the cheating if he had taken ownership but what made it worst in our situation is that he began our marriage on a big fat lie.

So get over the 'Oh chit, I cheated'. Think about why you did it and what's the possible backwash from the act.

Just some food for thought!

Re: Don't listen to these SELF-RIGHTEOUS posts
 

I already said that I have never cheated, nor have I been cheated on. Professor asked for opinions and we are giving them, just like you. If you don't like them then that says FAR more about what type of a BOY you are than anything.

And I would like to point out that the Professor is Thank GOD not married to this woman. They have more than enough time to WORK THIS OUT if that is possible. If he lies and covers this up then he diminishes those chances remarkably.

ALSO, AIDS is not the only STD out there. THere are many STD's that have no visible signs in women yet can be deadly and impact their ability to have children. There are also STD's that can be transmitted even when one is wearing protection. LORD HELP HIM if he has given the woman he claims to love a disease that destroys her capability to have children, or worse, because he will have done FAR MORE than simply destroy his relationship at that point.

Part of being a grown ass man or woman is FACING THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS. It is not an easy thing to do. When you mess up of course your first instinct is to deny, but if you are a mature adult then you realize that you can't live a good and moral/ethical life that way.

The Professor has always SAID that he is a good and moral man. Well now it is show and prove time. IF he doesn't tell than he has said MORE ABOUT HIS OWN CHARACTER THAN ANY WORDS THAT HE HAS EVER TYPED ON GC, POINT BLANK.

He asked for opinions and that is mine. Cheating is wrong and you need to fess up when you do it. I fail to see how it makes me self-righteous to give him the opinion he asked for. We are ALL human and make mistakes, but facing up them is part of life too.

*looking away from Librasoul* Darn, I was hoping to avoid that question...

LOL. On the real, I would probably tell, but then again, I have never been considered a conventional male. I believe I would lose her, but then, I'd deserve that, wouldn't I? I believe, like you, that the best way to avoid temptation is to do just that - avoid temptation. Remove yourself if possible. I try to tell my spouse everything. For example, I coach athletics, and some of the parents are single moms, who want help to put up a curtain, or fix fuse, etc. at their homes. Sometimes, these women can be very suggestive. Now, I am not going to cheat on my wife. Point blank. These women do not attract me in any way. Still, why tempt fate? Why should I, as a married male, go to a single woman's home in the evening, alone? Why tempt fate? Thus, I just politely decline.
My point is that there are too many people who do not respect matrimony. These men and women lurk in the shadows, crippling peoples marriages. Some women, I've heard, get a special rush if they can make a man cheat on his wife. Also, when I was younger, the older guys always said that the best type of hassle-free, casual sex was with a married woman. If you pause to think, you'd understand why. Heck, the vocal point of just about every other rap song is the declaration that "I sexed your wife" There is a perverse pleasure in making committed couple stray from their promises.
There is just too much temptation out there, and I believe it gets worse when you marry. Too many people hawking booty. Ladies, you could probably attest to the same. What I do say is that instead of attempting to cyber-kill anyone who admits to it, we should look at the bigger picture. I definitely understand a man not wanting to tell of his infidelities. This is why I refuse to condemn anyone on here. I admit, losing my wife is a big motivator to avoid cheating. When you meet that special person, you'd do anything to keep them. Thus, I keep my zipper up when I am away, and think of her when heiffers arrive. I love sports, and admire shutouts. This is one record I am definitely gonna keep perfect.

So much about relationships and the sensitive nature of the human body has been discussed here.

Professor, I sincerely hope that you yield to God in your decision. Don't be afraid to ask God for the necessary correction and direction. When He answers you (instead of a decision made on your own), you will definitely move forward in freedom and not in bondage. For the sin, without the request for sincere forgiveness from God through Jesus Christ, can forever entrap you in a stronghold. And I know that you don't want nor need that.

When you start marriage, you want it to be from a point of purity and love. There is but one who presents you with that opportunity and it is Christ Jesus. Invite Him into your situation, and your best path will be illuminated. Despite our opinions, and biblically principled interpretations of truth, there is only ONE judge...seek Him above all.

I think many of us HAVE answered the question! Why are we condemning somebody, just because we're giving our opinions? Did not Professor come on here and tell HIS BUSINESS to us and ask for feedback (whether directly, by asking a question, or indirectly, by beginning the thread in the first place)? I think most of us agree that only God can judge Professor, but that is not going to stop people from giving their opinions, which, again, WERE SOLICITED.

Thank you, Discogoddess. I don't think that anyone posted that Professor was going to hell with gasoline draws on. Nor did anyone post whether or not he was a good person.

????
 

... okay...
Calm down. The person I was referring to (in jest) knows, and we have been PMing back and forth. All this talk of gasoline draws is just mean! LOL!
Yes, many of you have answered the question. What I was actually thinking about were the different concepts of constitutes cheating. Care to bite, anyone?

Let he/she who is WITHOUT sin throw the 1st stone!
 

I know Proffesor asked for our opinions. Everyone has a right to them. Obviously he HAS been listening...at least to my opinion.
But is anybody capable of addressing BOTH points of view. In my post I acknowledged the merits of telling. Can anyone be HONEST and acknowledge that there are some advantages to keeping quiet?

I don't believe everyone here talkin all this "be honest no matter what and except the consequences" talks the talk and walks the walk 100% of the time...we alll pick and choose. How many people have ever cheated on a test, and confessed so that they could fail the course/get their degree revoked? How many people have witnessed some one do wrong, and REPORTED it knowing that they could get that other person in SERIOUS trouble? How many people have ever stolen something/changed a tag/got the hook up at McDonalds from a friend and confessed so that they and their friend may be arrested? Everyone has sinned and I just don't believe any of you if you tell me you have confessed to everyone and accepted the consequences that confession brings. I don't think Im the only one who wouldn't believe you. I am one of the FEW posters who acknowledges professors fuck up, but still shows some UNDERSTANDING. If you REALLY wanna give good advice...give the pros AND cons of your opinion and let him decided...just cause he didn't decided to throw away his wifes happiness and his own by confessing to the 1 time mistake he made doesn't mean he wasn't listening to your opinion. RESPECT that mans decision and please...bombard him with as many stones as you can throw...if YOU are WITHOUT sin!

Re: Let he/she who is WITHOUT sin throw the 1st stone!
 

Refer to my previous posts regarding "we all do wrong, blah, blah". So because we all do wrong, does that mean that we should never try to do right? Again refer to the post.

TLAW,
just joking about the gasoline draws :p ;) !!