I read something about the assumption regarding women and regret. Every time women think for ourselves, ignore the naysayers, and choose a life that works for us, we are told we are going counter to the life script and "you will regret it." Men are most often trusted to know what the hell they are doing with their lives.

Humans are social creatures (including introverts) so it isn't shocking to let what people say get to you to some extent. That includes if you use what people say as illustrations of why your choices are what's best for you.

This thread only has women posters which is indicative of how gendered this topic is. Men tend not to encounter this issue to the extent that women encounter.

I noticed that as well.

Hold the hell up. They got a dude who ass taps for a living? LOL! So basically, dude can come in to fill out the application, turn in a resume and medical history, and if they think dude is cool, he would get a job like that? If I would have known about this before I tied the knot, I would have interviewed for that position a long time ago. Free ass, and then to get paid to hit it? goddamn LOL!

Hey, prostitution has been around for a looong time. ;)

Seriously, though; am I reading this whole "professional" thing right? How is that legal? Or is it..?

LOL Exactly. I feel you AST. I look at prostitution as illegal, although it shouldn't be. But the way I'm reading what was posted is a dude or dudes who work for a company that females can call who want to have a shorty, but are having a hard time meeting a cool dude who would hit it and give them the shorty. I wonder how they would charge.

First nut I bust is $350.00. If I gotta bust two more back to back nuts, that's $1,000.00 LOL!!!

No. It's not "..females can call who want to have a shorty, but are having a hard time meeting a cool dude who would hit it and give them the shorty". From what I understand, it's a therapeutic remedy for people who are experiencing psychological, emotional and/or physical issues as a result of sexual problems. It's all done under the guidance of a licensed therapist.

So, no - if you want to hit it, you need to go back to your local bar or club. LOL

I'm watching Lakeview Terrace (waiting for Being Mary Jane to come on) and the scene in which Kerry Washington had stopped taking her BC pills and acted helpless and clueless reminded me of the "life script":

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mTkp9Uq...%3DmTkp9UqVVHs

So ASUAdpi, I'm guessing this isn't where you thought this thread would go ;)

Dr. Phil, loved the video...a little too much truth to it though

;) Indeed.

The season premiere of "Being Mary Jane" that I watched this evening (rerun) also reminded me of this thread. That is no slight to ASUADPi and what she shared. I am talking about the overall thread. "Being Mary Jane" is like a "life script" version of the show "Scandal". An accomplished woman who, despite her accomplishments, she's an emotional wreck (despite how much she tries to keep her mind right for the sake of other people) and her life is in shambles. She is waiting around for men and keeps a man's sperm in her freezer without his consent.

"Free your miiiiiiiiind and the rest will follow"
~En Vogue

Dr. Phil, I wasn't referring to your post when I mentioned the interesting thread direction--I meant the posts above yours. I mean no disrespect to that poster either, just thought it was interesting.

I'm going to have to check out the show you're talking about.

As I'm in middle life right now, I've also noticed another issue. It seems no matter how accomplished or talented a woman is, she is still very much judged by her looks, weight and ability to keep looking young. When I say judged, I mean by other women, men, employers, family, etc. and even herself. In some ways this is changing for the better but it's still there.

I do not see this with men as much. It seems men are judged more by their income or professional/social status.

Men aren't judged as harshly. They can be ugly as sin and believe they are God's gift. Men's "worth" increases with age. And in most personal and professional fields men's "worth" increases with decreases in aesthetic value. They are taken more seriously in many realms and led to believe they will find a life partner regardless. There are a few commercials that cast pretty women and average (or ugly) and older men to highlight how the pressure to look good tends to be on the woman whereas the pressure to be smart and successful is usually on the man. There is one commercial in particular that gets on my nerves.

ADPiEE- I'm right there with you sister! When you have society telling women that they must be a size 2-4 to be considered beautiful, how do I compete with that when I'm overweight. I hate the way I look which I know corresponds to my unhappiness of being single. All I see on TV and in magazine are super skinny women. Even if I wouldn't consider them at all attractive, they are in the eyes of men and society because they are skinny.

There is so much pressure on women to look younger than they are. There is so much pressure on women to be smaller than the average size 12. We can't compete.

DrPhil-I would LOVE to see a commercial with an average women and a hot guy, but as if that is going to happen.

Remember you can always go to Nevada where prostitution is legal. :)

Remember all the hue and cry over the Girls episode when she hooked up with Patrick Wilson?

I've actually never seen that show.

Patrick Wilson=Yummy :)

So true. If I had met my husband in high school or even college, we wouldn't have looked twice at each other. We were each on a part of our life journey that made us incompatible, at least at that point. Fortunately, by the time we did meet, we were ready for each other. And we didn't meet in a bar or club. We met in a job interview. Yes. A job interview.

My point is, throw out any preconceived ideas of what Mr Right must be -- looks, income, education, etc. Go out of your way to meet all kinds of people (men and women both) and search for what makes each interesting. When you get past the superficial stuff we buy into as teenagers, you'll find real connections in the most unexpected places!

Yeah, and I loved his wife's comment about that hoopla too.

LOL

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/wom...-pressure.html

I find this hilarious because she isn't really (so she claims) living her life with mannequins. She's being a funny photographer. The comments section is interesting.

BRILLIANT!! :D

:D

Woman at gynecologist office:
Front desk attendant: marital status
Woman: NOT married :D (happily so)
Attendant: Okay...single
Woman: No...not single...not married.
Attendant: you're trying to be difficult. I bet you're a sweetheart.
Woman: *thinking to herself: uh...I'm too grown to be flattered by "sweetheart" and there's nothing difficult about expecting offices to expand their relationship categories. You want these medical people to acknowledge a more vast range of life circumstances in order to address how these life circumstances impact your health.*

ASUADPi, I've read along on these boards forever but never posted until now - but your post really hit home with me. I'm 34, single, haven't had a relationship in more than a decade, and you pretty much said exactly what I've been struggling with over the past few months. Part of me knows that I'm really good at being single (and is able to appreciate some of the freedoms that go along with it), and the other part just thinks it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with from time to time, or someone who goes with you when you move across the state. It gets lonely. And I'm a high school teacher, so not much chance of meeting eligible men in my line of work! At any rate, I just wanted to post and commiserate - and as someone who frequently gets down on myself for being single, it sort of helps to know that even people I view as cool and interesting (based on reading posts here for a long time) go through the same thing I am.

I got married last summer, but before that, let me tell you - as a super nerdy high school math teacher, I met PLENTY of eligible and hot, smart, intelligent, amusing, enlightening men in my line of work! Sounds like you need a new school district!

After my last "relationship" crashed and burned. I realize that I make bad choices in dates. I said "Self if you cannot choose any better than you have done, you need to be single." That was over a year ago.

On another note, I had a priest ask me if I had thought about going into the priesthood. His reason, I am single therefore celibate.:rolleyes:

Wow, this thread is capturing a LOT of where I am in life.

Re: marriage. I grew up not wanting to be married. Didn't dream about it or anything. Couldn't ever imagine me and a +1. As an adult, it still is difficult. There are a lot of blanks, but I have realized that while ideally I would want a husband, a wife wouldn't be out of the question. I guess I'd want a life partner who also wants one.

Re: kids. Same as marriage. I have a lot of negative views of parenting (some that I need to work through, others that I'm comfortable in holding regardless of societal pressure) and I definitely identify with being a childless adult. I get nervous when I actually feel positive about having children and being a mother because I don't know if it's a genuine feeling or because I'm inundated with with boatloads of FB feeds of babies doing cutesy baby things. To date, I've only dreamt of being happy about having a man's baby once (we never dated, were never a thing, just really admired him). The role of parent never seemed joyous to me, and while most worry about regretting NOT having children... I think I'd regret having them.

Re: virginity. Whoever talked about detaching sex and love? Yeah, that. I've never tied sex to marriage or religion, so it was a little easier to detach. But I totally get still wanting it to mean something. I lost my virginity (I so wish there was a better phrase) at 25 and while it wasn't ideal, I was just glad to be over with it. It's still hard detach sex and emotion for me. Just means I (still) don't have (lots of) sex.

Re: dating. ugh. NYC has NEVER proven to be a great place for me as a single woman. Everyone dates everyone, despite how big the city is, and most folks I know who are married/engaged knew their mate in college or HS, or via family friend. I don't trust anyone in my family to set me up. My university wasn't the school you went for an MRS - I can only think of 3 couples from college who married. One is a doctor, the other two are lawyers. None of them are SAHM in the least bit and from what I remember about them, they always intended to be career AND family women. The doctor had a baby, the lawyers, dunno.

All this to say... in my heart of hearts, if I ended up a childless, single woman, I could be OK with that. As long as I managed to eek out a decent dating life and didnt struggle financially. I get my fill of children through friend's kids and I love a quiet home! But part of me just wants to give in to societal pressure and just be excited and overwhelmed with desire to birth children and search for Mr. Right with everyone else, because few people can be OK with a woman who doesn't want to put her ovaries to use or change her name for someone else without an eyeroll or disparaging attack to her femininity, sexuality or purpose.

Maybe I'm in the wrong state! I've taught in five different school systems in NC over the past ten years and am hoping to stay put for a while (despite the lack of single men here). There were definitely some cute unmarried men in some of my previous schools, but they usually weren't unmarried for very long.

I tried marriage but it didn't work. It took marriage for me to realize I wasn't cut for it. There's no way I could see myself together with one woman for the rest of my life. I'd get tired of that after the first year. After I'm done having sex, I'd rather roll over and go to sleep without cuddling, or pillow talk. I have no attachment or emotion after sex. None. Marriage is great for some people, but all the responsibility and give and take that comes with it would make me feel trapped. If I had do that with someone "until death do us part" I'd be miserable. Those words make me cringe. Sex? Yes. Marriage/LTR? No.

Ditto for me to all of this (except for the part about potentially having a wife instead of a husband).

I'm currently in a relationship that I'm VERY happy with, and we've both mentioned marriage, but not in any kind of a serious way. We usually just blurt out things like: "If we ever get married, we should totally have a waffle bar and cookie table at our wedding!" while watching a commercial for IHOP. Neither one of us is in any kind of a rush. And even though I could see us tying the knot one day, the idea still kind of freaks me out.

As for kids, what you've said above is exactly how I feel about the whole thing. For those Grey's Anatomy fans out there, it's like Christina said once: "I'd rather decide now to not have a baby and maybe regret it later, than reluctantly have a baby now and resent him/her." People always try to tell me, "Oh, you'll change your mind." Some days I think I will, but it'll only be because some cute kid at the grocery store smiled and waved at me; not because I suddenly have this urge to carry a child and love, nurture and care for it for the rest of my life.

People just need to realize that not everyone is the same, and not everyone desires to have the house with the white picket fence, a spouse, and 2.5 children.

:)

Regarding children: I'm still not 100% sure I want children--especially if I don't adopt (because I am an advocate for adoption for personal reasons) but, I'd be lying if I didn't sometimes think, "Wow. What if I have no children and as I become elderly, I don't have kids to pass on traditions or take care of my husband and me?" It scares me.

Two things to keep in mind:

1. Your children are not obligated to care about and uphold your traditions.

2. Your children are not obligated to care for you in your old age. Why parents can still end up lonely. Also, contrary to assumptions, the average abandoned elderly person and person in nursing homes has children. China has had to beg children.

You know, after I posted this, I actually thought about how it may have sounded. You hit the nail on the head. You are right. No one is obligated to take care of me as an elderly adult but, I would like to have someone around who loves me when my husband dies. Wives generally live longer than their husbands and that's usually due to how they deal with stress. Studies have shown this. I always fear that my husbad will die much sooner than me, when I get older, and if I have no children, I could be alone. It's pretty scary. I also don't want my career, as many women in this field have come to deal with, to dictate whether or not I have children. I'm thinking that in the next year or so, I'll have "May Baby Syndrome" or something of the sort.

Children shouldn't be born with a job. That is a good way to make a child anxious to leave the nest and not return even if a parent is guilt tripping them to be around.

Plus, what if your child dies before you? What if your child is nothing like you imagined? What if your child is an absolute nightmare to be around? I am not wishing ill on anyone but that is a reality. If you are only having a child for some promise for the future--30+ years down the road--will you be sad and like "oh damn" if you invest time and energy in a child but never get a return for your investment? That is one reason why many parents want their children to be successful, help them pay bills, and take care of parents as they age. "I took care of you so now it is time for you to repay me" That often fails miserably and there are some bitter parents around the world.

and bitter children. ahem.

the idea that I "owe" my parents care because they cared for me is... well, there's no way to say it without being seen as a jerk.

I have a friend whose mother takes 10% of their paycheck to direct deposit into her bank account. He works in marketing, the brother is a lawyer. That must be frustrating to not have any say-so, but they oblige because, well, it's their parents.

Oh yeah, pissed off children.

Your friend and his brother better get smart. Seriously. Their mother better stop acting like she did someone a favor. She chose to have children. I understand wanting children to be grateful but that is easily taken to the extreme.

They're Chinese - I chalked it up to something cultural I wasn't hip to. It could also be a class thing - feeling obligated to "give back" once you've "made it." I guess why so many of these newly drafted basketball players go buying their mamas houses and cars off top, or why many people, when presented with the age-old "what will you do if you win the lottery?" scenario, always go to paying off their (parents'/family's) debt or buying real estate.

I don't think of paying off debt as giving back, because once they croak, their debts become yours. Might as well take care of it first before you spend all the dough.

I just think of it as being generous to people you care about. It doesn't have to only be parents who you help out- I have a list of people who I simply want to help because they are good people and I like them. Or because I know they've struggled and I want them to be able to relax and enjoy other things in life.

If you're only having kids so you have someone to take care of you in your old age, then you're making a big mistake. In addition to the "what ifs" posed by Dr Phil, there is also a possibility the child will be disabled and require lifelong care.

Your choice to do that is different than an expectation or requirement.

I understand this can be cultural, as tld221 explained. However, "because I say so" isn't cultural.

Good point.