A big YES to all of this.

I also have friends who are getting divorced at an alarming rate. Many of them were in a mad dash to “snag” a man as soon as possible, which I believe causes people to put more weight on being married than on actually being happy. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that it’s impossible to get married at that age and be happy. Even my aunt and uncle were highschool sweethearts and are still married to this day. I’m simply saying that (as I said before) truly loving someone isn’t something that you can plan.

My mom always joked that if I ever got engaged while in college she’d strangle me, as she believed it was way too young. But her serious advice to me was that regardless of whether or not I was with someone that I wanted to spend my life with, I should live alone, all by myself, with no boyfriend or roommates, for at least one year. That’s it. I remember her telling me about when she first got divorced, and the fact that she didn’t know how to balance her checkbook or mow the lawn. At 38 years old, she had to learn on her own. You can do all the book learning possible, but sometimes you need to actually LIVE and have your own experiences before you can live and spend your life with someone else. And that goes beyond being able to cut the grass.

It reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachel’s mom wants to divorce her dad, and she mentions the fact that she went straight from her father’s house, to the sorority house, to her husband’s house. It’s my opinion that you should do a little bit of living (and growing up) on your own in between.

I think the big problem with a lot of people (specifically women) getting married young is that all they see is the big white dress, and their husband in a suit and tie, and all of their best friends in matching dresses. All the stuff that comes with that wedding.. ya know.. like MARRIAGE.. is an afterthought. You get married on Saturday, and then on Sunday, reality kicks in. There’s no more planning and picking out flowers.. you’re no longer the center of attention.. and the guy you married is your husband.. for life. That can be a hard pill to swallow for some. On more than one occasion, I’ve seen panic set in on Day 2, or shortly thereafter. And of course, there’s no going back at that point.

ETA: I think the problem with this article is that she’s providing a one-size-fits-all solution to a problem that she’s dealing with herself. “Well ladies, I didn’t marry a Princeton man, and I should have, so all of you would be wise to do the same!” THAT is what truly makes me want to yell at this woman. Besides, who knows if she would be happier if she had married a Princeton man? She may be even more miserable than she is now. Hindsight is 20/20, but no one can truly predict how their life would have ended up had they chosen a different path.

I think it's this: you can't really know who you are, as a real life, out-in-the-world adult until you are out in the world as an adult. The amount that people change in their mid-late twenties is substantial for most college grads. So, if you get married before that, you might get lucky, and change in ways that are compatible with how your partner is changing, and you can grow together and be terrifically happy.

But you might not get lucky, and you might find that your version of self-actualization doesn't fit with theirs, and you aren't happy together, and so on. And if that happens, of course you are going to look back and think "I never should have done that, I didn't know shit at 22".

So you change together and steer the relationship in a compatible direction. Relationships (long term ones anyway) take a lot of work and compromise, and if you disagree with that, I don't care how old you are, unless you marry someone who has zero ambition or goals for himself, then you're never going to find anyone to make you happy.

Yeah, you go through changes from 22-30 and trust me, after 30, you don't just suddenly arrive at a "this is me and always will be me" stage. You're always changing and the sooner you figure that out [and I mean you in the generic sense, not as in DBB], the sooner you'll be able to have a successful long term relationship.

Well hell, that's as likely to happen in the 22-30 bracket as afterwards. Most of my divorce clients don't file until at least after they've had kids, which you must admit is a pretty big change which mostly doesn't happen until someone is 30+, so are you from the camp which believes you should also wait until you have kids to get married? And if so, what exactly is it about marriage which would make it still relevant?

I'm not disagreeing with any of this; I think that if you find someone and you are certain that you two can work through anything together, there is nothing at all wrong with getting married. Heck, even it it ultimately doesn't work out, there can be a huge amount of value in this, for both parties.

I just also think there is value for some people in living alone while you make the big giant transition into adulthood, and the social norm that treats marriage as some type of end goal does a disservice to people who need more time to figure things out.

To put a finer point on what I said upthread, I didn't mean that all my friends who married in their 20's are getting divorced, I'm saying that of the ones who are getting divorced, most have admitted to having a feeling that it wasn't what they wanted at the time, but did what was expected of them.

I'm happily unmarried, but it's definitely a "different strokes for different folks" kinda thing; I just don't think that this Princeton woman should be coming in and trying to scare women into following a script that may not be right for everyone.

FWIW, I snagged my Yale man at the age of 36. :rolleyes:

The story has made it to NPR. http://www.npr.org/2013/04/04/176191...paign=20130404

Snag a husband in college? Not so fast, 'Princeton Mom,' parents say:

http://www.today.com/moms/snag-husba...say-2D79351714

I agree! I love books and my cat. I already told my sister and my friend when all of our husbands kick it, we're moving to Florida and starting the Crazy Old Lady Cat Hoarder Ranch.

I did have the perfect guy in college, I graduated a year before he did and while I was waiting for him to get out, he dumped me for his now wife! I didn't have much interest in getting married anyway, and since I didn't want kids there was no time pressure to do so, but I did marry Mr. AOIILisa #1 at age 33 and divorced him 10 years later. I had been with Mr. AOIILisa #2 for 7 years before we decided to make it legal last year, and I couldn't be happier.

I have five or six single/never married friends in their 40s/50s so I know it's not always that easy to meet people after college, though I personally never had any shortage of men to date. One finally just had a baby last year via artificial insemination because she just got tired of waiting for Mr. Right.

Patton was on The Doctors this morning talking about her book.