My dad would be more concerned that we didn't get married in a church by a pastor than whether or not live-in asked his permission.

As it is, I would like live-in to warn dad a little bit. Asking for permission or blessing, though, no.

Warn?

Do you mean, give a heads up?

LOL yes - something like "Hey - I was hoping to propose to agzg sometime in the next few months. Just a heads up not to have a heart attack when she calls you and tells you."

My dad doesn't deal with surprises well.

The only problem with that is that my dad has a big mouth - so everyone in my hometown basically and probably others will know before I do.

I would hope that my future husband would ask for my father's blessing. I'd rather not have him ask for his permission- I am my own woman. However, I was raised thinking that the right thing is to have their blessing before he asks for my hand. If I had a strained relationship with my parents, I would understand not desiring that- but I have a great relationship with them.

Funny story: When my father asked my grandfather for his blessing, my grandfather's immediate reaction was "How much land do you own?" My grandparents are farmers, so it makes sense in context- he has always said "Land is forever, and it's limited."

My husband asked for my parents' blessing before he proposed. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, I am very close to my parents and wouldn't have wanted anything to hurt them. He wasn't asking for permission to own me, just that he would happily recognize, bless, and support our marriage. I can understand other circumstances, but in my situation, it was right to ask for blessing.

this may make it to the siggy.

Did anyone see the Everybody Loves Raymond where Robert asks Amy's parents for permission, and they say no?

What do you do? Get married anyway and potentially damage a relationship between the woman and her family? If a woman was so bent on her family's blesing and didnt have it, does she break up with the man?

I guess this is becoming a "well I'm close with my family so I think it's important" type of deal so I want to clarify - I am very close with my family. Freakishly so.

I still don't want live-in to ask my dad's permission OR blessing. It's not necessarily a "well if you're close you'll want this" type of thing.

Also, I'm not saying guys shouldn't ask. I'm saying it's not what I want. Just in case people think I'm heated.

I'm an independent, educated, professional woman in my thirties, but I do feel that I am still under the protection of my parents' household, and that creating a new household with a husband would change that dynamic somewhat. I can't see it happening with my current bf (he's very modern), but if my future fiance were to talk to my parents before he proposed, and assure them that he would protect my happiness in the future...I would be incredibly touched. It would make me certain that I was with the right guy.
________
Cheap Condo Pattaya

My father is dead so it would be a problem to ask him. I do have a stepfather but he'd laugh at any guy who did that and it would be a clear sign he isn't the guy for me if he thinks that is what I want or how my family operates. I had one boyfriend who said he'd ask my father and it made my dad dislike the guy because I wasn't raised that way. It was somewhat valid as a heads up when my father had my inherited engagement ring but I have it now so when the future husband and I decide as a couple to get married (no surprise proposal) I'll put the ring on and we'll call our families.

I'm to the point I won't change my last name, so a lot of this stuff doesn't apply to me. Most guys are thankful I have my own ring, no problems picking out a ring, so there's really no need to consult anyone and to keep it between ourselves.

^^^Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, that actually sounds like an awesome idea. It eliminates shopping, pricing, and all those other things I don't like doing (and I'm sure a guy wouldn't like doing either).

Because if I call it off, I still get to keep the ring no matter what! That really is full of win.

It worked out well since I got my grandmother's ring and my sister got our great great aunt's ring (sister was already married so nanny nanny boo boo that she didn't wear it for any of her three marriages). It also means the man I marry can perhaps take money that may have been spent on a ring and put it towards a house if I don't own one already, or to renovating the home to be green or have a better bathroom.

The guy and I talked today, and we're only looking forward for about six or so months, but the older I get the less I want a big wedding and I pretty much just want our immediate family and best friend to hop on a plane and get hitched in Tuscany or Bora Bora. I planned a big wedding for a marriage that didn't happen, and it really isn't a priority for me anymore. I want a house a great husband, and a couple kids (the house or husband can come in either order, the kids are coming last). He's also not opposed to letting the kiddos have my last name since it is going extinct and he has a brother to carry on his.

Thirded. I'm soooo over big affairs. They're not even fun to be a guest at anymore.

Amen! 10 years of watching all my friends' and sisters' drama and expense have turned me into a city hall type of girl. The wedding-industrial complex has morphed into something so ugly and un-romantic. I see a lot of showing off and attention-seeking combined with a focus on the wedding at the expense of the marriage. Give me a pretty white dress, a flower for my hair, and a delicious cake to enjoy with our parents. That would be all the celebration I'd need.
________
Peak Towers Condo Pattaya

My daughter attended her first two weddings this summer/fall. After the second one, she said "Would you be mad if I just go to Vegas when I want to get married?" and I said "Not at all!" Then she said "Good, because I don't think I could handle being the center of attention like that." One less thing to save for.. more money in my retirement account. I'm good with that. I did tell her that I would like to be there and she agreed that was a given.

I went to my first BIG (250+) wedding this year. It was such a zoo. Definitely not my favorite wedding. I had gotten used to smallish weddings where you could really hang out with the bride and groom, and any friends you may have had there. This one, not so much. I even think the bride and groom were overwhelmed and exhausted.

My husband and I were dating long distance while he was still in the military. he drove from Norfolk VA to Atlanta to ask my Dad over lunch, on a day that I was out Christmas shopping with my mom. When I returned home that day, he was waiting for me by the Christmas tree, down on one knee.

It wasn't permission, it was out of respect.

I guess it depends on the individual couple's circumstances. This couple grew up in the town they got married in, and had large families in that town, but didn't date until a few years after college and graduate school (in different areas of the country). They made a good faith effort to cut down the guest list, but it still ended up being a lot of people. If you and your husband invite your parents' siblings, your 1st cousins, best friends from high school, college, grad school, and work, that can be a ton of people right there. There weren't a lot of crazy far relations or acquaintances at that wedding. They basically had large families.

What a sweet story! By the way, my husband proposed in front of my extended family on Christmas Eve!

I can see both sides of the argument, but I think the fact is, you should do what makes you comfortable.

DH was well aware of my strong relationship with both my parents and knew I wanted him to "ask" for permission. I would have been more upset if he hadn't. My dad of course was thrilled and loves DH like a son. My mom was more upset b/c dad kept it from her until the weekend DH proposed b/c he felt mom would spill the beans.

We invited 300+ people to our wedding, and it was a total blast -- so those slamming big weddings should realize that it's less the size of the wedding and more the people throwing it that makes a wedding good or bad.

I'm from a huge family and my spouse has divorced parents that remarried when he was young, so he has two families. There was no possible way to cut down the guest list, and I'm glad I had it the way I did.

I pretty much consider myself a feminist but I'd probably still like to have the guy I marry ask my parents for their blessing. That said, I'm sure they'll be okay with whoever I choose.

And as far as large weddings go, I didn't know what a small wedding was until my college friends started getting married. The weddings I went to as a kid were typically 250 - 400 people. I have no problems with large weddings, they can be a ton of fun, but it's probably because it's normal for me.
I really enjoy going to weddings that are only around 75 people - which makes up my family alone (parents, sister+family, aunts, uncles, first cousins) - so if I wanted a wedding that small, I'd need to do a destination wedding somewhere. Or do a small wedding with a larger reception.

I did have 200 guests at my wedding, and I think part of that had to do with when I got married.

I was 30 years old, and so many of our guests were married or also in very serious relationships. Therefore, 200 "guests" equates to just a smidge over 100 couples.

My husband and I are from different states, attended different undergraduate colleges, different graduates schools and had jobs at two different hospitals. That is a lot of places where we each made close, sustaining friendships. Throw in sorority sisters and a similar type organization for him (sort of "eating club" type thing at his school) and it adds up fast.

We were also very active in our church and had many friends there. Take that 100 couples above, and that is approx 50 couples for each of us. Oh, and note that I haven't included any family yet, or friends of either set of parents. (my family is big, and they travel en masse for events such as this. My in-laws have a giant social circle, but most did not travel as they lived in a different state. If they had, we would have been closer to 250 :eek:)

It was important to me to greet each guest at the reception, and I can to this day remember many of the conversations. I have been married almost 6 years and people continue to tell me that the wedding was a blast, mostly because my friends and family are fun people and we made it such.

Therefore, in some cases, I do think it is possible to have a large wedding and just include the people that have had special places in your lives at different stages, and it can still have that "smaller wedding" feel. We didn't invite any "randoms," or people that we were not in continued contact with. However, I do agree that there are people who do invite everyone that they have had 2 conversations with in an effort for a gift shakedown.

Just cause a cousin might be a 3rd cousin, doesn't mean they are acquaintances or people you don't really know. Some of my closest extended cousins (i.e. not from the lineage of my grandmother) are my 3rd cousins, some are even 4th cousins. So, if and when I get married, I intend on inviting most of my family (we are all a close group), which could push the guest list to 200 or 200+.

I had 350 at my first wedding. We cut it at first cousins. It was a huge scandal in my family that I didn't invite my cousins' children. We did invite my parents' cousins. I knew every single one of them as they'd been at every family event my whole life and we were invited to all of their functions. Even the ones who came from Pennsylvania. There were some people our parents invited who we didn't know well.. friends of theirs from work. However, I even knew most of my dad's work/golf buddies because they'd been around for so many years. Then there were the neighbors from the neighborhood where I lived for 23 years. Yes, it was huge and overwhelming. My second was much smaller, only 125 and only 14 of them were my family. I did invite some work friends, but not many. Most of them there were for him. That whole wedding was for him. I had much more fun at that wedding because I didn't really care about the wedding process at that point. I'd had my "Big Fat Italian Wedding" already. So, the details were unimportant and it was a lot more fun because there was so much less to go wrong. That didn't really have to do with how many people were there. It had more to do with me having perspective about what was important that day.

ETA: My first wedding was one of the smallest in my family, believe it or not! I went to one that had 650. Unreal.

My dad is the oldest of 10. Just my parent's sibs and their spouses, their children and their spouses and children take up the first 55 people. Then let's get to my extended family (I'm close to most of them) and that's another 50-75. Then my friends and my husband's family and friends...small wedding went out the window a long time ago.

for me, I won't ask them for a permission, just notify them about my decisions or maybe listen to their suggestions.

Agreed on all counts. I think you have to look at the circumstances of the wedding before you can say that a big or small wedding is a bad idea. It's very possible to have a 200-300 person wedding (or more) and know everyone, because of large families, lots of close high school/college/grad school friends, work friends, etc.

I've definitely been to 200+ person weddings where everyone had a close tie with either the bride or groom.

ETA: I think it's just inherent in wedding stuff (not necessarily in this thread) that people are quick to criticize, without thinking about whether the type of wedding or proposal was right for the particular people getting married.

I wasn't "slamming" big weddings; I hope my response didn't indicate that. I even said that for this wedding, they didn't invite every Tom, Dick, or Harry.

I will concede that they tried to do "too much," which wouldn't have worked if there had been 50 people or 500 people there. The bride was quite open about the fact that her mother was footing the bill for everything and the budget was unlimited. It just stood out in contrast to the smaller, more intimate weddings I had been to a few months earlier where they really thought about what they were doing and why, instead of just throwing money at an event.

I didn't mean you, love. :) Was actually agreeing with you that it depends on the couple's circumstances.

And on the original topic, it never would have occurred to me or my husband that he should talk to my parents beforehand. Just not my thing at all.

I love the discussion here and some of the stories have been very touching. Though I would want my fiance to ask my parent's or spiritual guardian (if my parents were unavailable) for permission to marry me I completely understand and respect where someone else may be turned off by that gesture.
One interesting thing I saw repeated a lot was that people would feel strange if others knew about a proposal before they did. How much discussion do people have about an upcoming proposal before the guy proposes? Are people completely shocked because it was never discussed? Do some have an ideal but never really have a concrete conversation or do others fully expect it and have had a conversation beforehand and are just waiting for the actually proposal? I would love to hear the experiences and thoughts around how much a proposal is discussed and known beforehand.

I was wondering the same thing. I think my husband and I talked about it several times before we actually got engaged which was several months before I actually got a ring (which I picked out myself.) I'm not a romantic so having my husband "surprise" me with a ring I might not like just isn't me. My husband's romantic engagement gesture was to take me to Disney World as a Christmas present then ask me to marry him officially on that trip. Was it a surprise? Obviously not. We knew almost immediately once we'd started dating that we had something special and could see ourselves getting married, so we never played ANY of those dating games.

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we aren't engaged but have talked about it. Most of the talk is about an ideal timeline for me, ie I'd like to be dating 2 years before an engagement, be engaged for a year, etc. Several of my friends have gone ring shopping with their boyfriends. One of my sisters got engaged yesterday, they went ring shopping 3 months ago. My best friend went ring shopping with her boyfriend about a month ago and still has no idea when he'll propose- he told me he doesn't have a ring but I think he's lying to throw me off (his roommate let it slip to my friend when he was drunk that her boyfriend had a ring).