The secret it out...
 

The Rules. Living it Ala Carte style. Rules are made to be broken.

I am married. I never thought I would meet someone that would ask me to marry him and I take his request seriously. We barely knew each other.

But, I knew he was a good guy. He could not have all these "accomplishments" and be a total EFF-up. May be I did settle, but my husband puts a house over my head and food to eat. Sure, I could do it on my own, a house may take me some time, but I have found that I am extremely lonely at the top...

After our 3rd date, I told my boyfriend (now husband) that he needed to tell me where to go and how to get there within 3 months. Our "dates" required airplane flights.

Now, you cannot say that to anyone or your heart will get broken. But, if you want that person in your life and he or she is feeling your vibe, then it should not be difficult for you to state that to them succinctly.

My now husband's reaction: he said was giving him too much pressure. Then, I told him he can decide what he wants and after 3 months, he can make a decision or not. But, if I have to make that decision of what kind of relationship we need to have, we will not be in a relationship anymore, forever. He could have called my bluff, but to him, having me in his life was important. So he proposed--on the phone. We eloped because an argument. But, I must say it has been the most self-introspection and great experience of my life. I cannot imagine life without him, now.

I think we believe in this "fairy tale" dream of "how it is 'suppose' to be" as if we are on soap opera television pay per view. Let me tell you, all of that does not make a MARRIAGE. Marriage is hard for a reason. I learned is absolutely does not matter "HOW" you get married, it is all about "WHO" you marry and YOUR reasons you chose to marry them. If better not be about being rich--because you say "for richer or poorer". It better not be about health, because you say "in sickness and in health". And it better not be just about growing old, because you say "'til death do you part" and you never know when that is...

The best you can hope for is to have a "loving relationship" in your marriage. And remember, you are building a "family" even if it is just the 2 of you.

There are practical things you can do together.

PM me if you have questions.

Are you contradicting yourself? What was your reason for starting this thread? Cause you know it's gonna be a heated one!! :)

I've been married, lived with a man, and have been proposed to at least 3 times in my lifetime. I know what marriage is and what it aint. I remember being really mad when my father said to me once when I was just 18, that old something about the cow and the milk being free. Back then, I was like WTH? Oh what did he know?:rolleyes: I have found through many a broken heart that those old-fashioned values hold true.

I listened to my pastor a few years ago saying something like most women only react to what they think the man wants. Many women DO NOT want to be promiscuous. fSome women have not had the proper upbringing or wisdom instilled in them from their parents. Yet, some of them have but what they hear everyday from their peers/music/movies, etc. makes them behave otherwise. If young women start carrying themselves like a prize and waiting for the man to take his proper place as a man ... well 357 Nupe said it best. :D

here's a ?? though...

is it fair to leave a man high and dry without letting him know why? and in letting him know why, arent you telling that man i am ready/waiting on you?

i know it is grounds to get my feelings hurt if i go in with that "marry me or else" attitude. HOWEVER...i am not going to sit back and shack up and not at least let you know my feelings. i find it to be quite helpful when i hear exactly what he's thinking. and at the same time, i know plenty of women who sit and wait forever and he never says anything about marriage/settling down.

are we as women supposed to sit and wait for you all to tell us what you want? or should men step up and lay it all on the table for us at the beginning of the relationship or once your feelings change one way or the other?

Firstly, should women and men have roles to fulfill in regards to marriage, then to each other, if to each other?

If a woman desires marriage, then she actually chooses the request from the man, unless she is bold and wants to ask her man herself.

Standards are appropriate when you can hold yourself similarly accountable. You can expect a "Prince William" or "Prince Harry" when you are no where near that kind of royalty. Sure, one can dream. However, is that a real situation for majority of African American women?

I cannot ask my husband to be anymore than that which I am willing to put into our marriage relationship. He has to be free to choose and I can hope it is me. That is the basis of trust in the relationship.

Secondly, anyone in the relationship can walk without explanation. Legally, it is hard to do so when one is married in the United States. Other countries I am not sure about. But, people that give these marriage licenses out assume folks are adults who make adult decisions. If one chooses to married someone who will leave without explanation--I hope that would never happen--then, he or she has that option to make their own choices. Part of this is karma, part of this is common sense.

If you leave without explanation, what to stop your partner from doing the same?

The other issue, is you only love one who loves in return. To run up under a man who will never love you as you deserve, then it to allow yourself with plenty of pain. That suggests definition by the "man" in your life, rather than who you defined yourself to be or become. And if those are your reasons to get married these days--well, oh well, whatever, good luck with that!

Marriage is hard work and many of us are scared of hard work! We can get degrees and start companies and serve the community but when it comes to making yourself vulnerable to another, we get scared and run for the hills. I have been married for almost 14 years and I can say that it has not been easy. We have had our ups and downs with more good times than bad. We intend to work at this thing and enjoy it until death do us part.


I also think about what I have seen single sisters (divorced, never been married or widowed but looking again) go through and I would not want to voluntarily be single again....babymama/babydaddy drama, STDs/AIDS, online dating, bars/clubs, singles ministries, etc.!

No if you read carefully I am not contradicting myself. I simply stated that I was single again, with no aspirations of remarriage. That is the outcome of the last 5yrs of experience. I made the wise decision not to mess up anyone else's life, while working out my issues. I rather pour myself into my family and my education while I work things out. Will I get married again? Who nows. But that is not my focus in life and again not a present aspiration. Yet when I asked brothers to get it together, that is because we honestly need to. All of us have been hurt, but a lot of men use that as an excuse to whore and hurt women. Some men never give anyone the chance to hurt them. Women too have been hurt and because of that they make every man they date a "self fulfilling prophecy". The world is now filled with Bag Ladies and Icebox Men.

My reason for starting this thread was to simply state my observations. I have a chapter of 20 brothers and more friends/associates than I can count. HOW IN DA BLUE HELL CAN I NOT FIND A SINLGE ONE IN A POSITIVE LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP!!!

Something must me wrong.

Interesting observation. I don't know your past relationships or if you have been married before, but it sounds like you were unsure of who you really were if you were actually married. That does not mean it is any of my beeswax, just an interesting observation.

I don't know any man that has been hurt so badly that they do not give a woman who might hurt him. I know men that have been hurt. I know women who have been hurt. But that chance to have love seems enough to override all past hurts and bitterness.

Anyone not over his or her past pain in love shows it in numerous ways. A true lover would be a healing one to assist getting past those hurts and pains. Normally, it is one who is experienced, mature and wise. Sometimes it comes from someone who has naivete. Either way, only an astute lover truly wishes the best out of his or her partner.


A positive long term relationship is difficult to do when neither party lives in denial about themselves. How can one be positive when they live in negativity. Parentless children, lack of positive relationships or marriages--what should a positive marriage exactly look like? So, these days, when the ONLY people fighting for the right to married are the LGBTQ community, how are we as African Americans going to really venture out requesting stability in relationships leading to marriage when over 70% of our children are reared in homes headed by a single parent?

I am NOT knocking folks reared in single parent homes. One cannot help the circumstances in which he or she were born. However, it is something that is just fine in OUR KIND of families...

It is okay to have unprotected sex and as a woman become impregnated by some man, but many women feel they aren't ready or worth it to be married to anyone...

Not to bash, but how come that is not the other way around?

[quote=OneTimeSBX;1480126]oh i know there isnt a shortage of good men, we just outnumber them quite a bit :), and between the jailbirds, lunatics, and down low guys, we have to be careful. you are exactly right, men know that women assume there "arent any good guys left"
quote]

Come on now. Do you really believe that there is that much of a gap? Everything that you listed concerning black men we have to be concerned about when it comes to women.

I agree with Animate.

Nope the gap isn't that big. I actually think it's close to the same. I think it's a cop out when women say there isn't enough good men or good black men out there. That's bull.

i think womens main problem is we LOOK for a man. dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with being proactive, but some of us have that "have to be in a relationship" attitude, as if we are less if we dont have a man...we all know who that girlfriend is. the one who is constantly looking before she gets herself straight first.

the best advice i ever got was to stop looking. take time to learn myself. enjoy my youth. practice my faith.

lo and behold, the man in my life moved in across the street from me and we've been together ever since.

Umm I don't know how clear I have to be...REMARRIAGE. I think that pretty much explains itself. As far as being "unsure or who" I really am, that is not the case. I just simply didn't know who I was married to even after 5 yrs. Quite frankly no one is ever certain.

I would gladly hand you my cell phone and let you take a random dial. You would find quite a few. There are people who keep their relationships to such a bare minimum that there is no room for someone to hurt them. Hell if it wasn't so common Kelly Clarkson couldn't have a #1 single for 4 weeks based on it. Let's not pretend to be so in the dark about these things.

Frat I feel you. I've never been the type to take my pain out on someone else (now the guilty party is open game). I have been given the short end of the stick too many times. I was so done w/ dating/relationships at first also, but then I realized I still want children and stability and those are two things that I probably will only find in marriage. So I have to keep a eye open. :D

i think the best thing about you is the fact you have kept your options open...a lot of people try marriage, discover the person they are with has done some serious changing, and decided it just wasnt for them 100%. they dont give it a second chance. now, if a person keeps trying ( i have a good friend on wife #4...) and it doesnt work? they are the common factor and need to do some serious soulsearching! the first time you can chalk it up to youth/immaturity/growth, etc.