Re: Re: Question for Guys
 

I'm just curious -- if you (editorial you, not a specific you) know that what you're doing is wrong, why keep doing that? I can't really fathom a person having so little self-esteem or being so weak that they need to screw with a person's head on purpose just to give them a sense of control. I understand situations like this sometimes happen where you don't realize what you're doing until later, and that's understandable -- who hasn't done something along those lines? But messing with somebody on purpose just blows my mind and speaks to major, major underlying issues on the part of the person who's doing the controlling.

Re: Re: Re: Question for Guys
 

I think that as a society we throw the term "low self-esteem" around an awful lot. And I think we all have different ideas of what it means. In fact, low self esteem asa term might be more of a negative label meant to cover several types of behaviors deemed less desirable.

In this case, I am not sure I would call it low self esteem that would motivate a boy into calling a girl he knows is going to pay attention to him and give him what he wants.

He's not messing with a gir'ls mind to mess with it. He is taking an action he thinks will get him what he wants. She thinks he is messing with her, bcause what she wants or wishes is different than the reality.

A cognitive dissonance.

And he probably doesn't think he is wrong until it starts causing him pain or discomfort. Why should he? As long as he is getting something he thinks he need out of it.

Re: Re: Re: Question for Guys
 

Don't worry, I won't get offended if you think it's me that does this...

However, if I know what i'm doing is wrong but continue to do it, I guess I would call it a power fetish of some sort. It's not that I have low self-esteem and want to treat women badly, but I guess this would be more like I am satisfying a desire of mine. Looking at it from the women's perspective isn't part of this game. Honestly, because the women let's me do it, I guess I see justification to keep doing it. If she wanted me to stop, she wouldn't keep falling for my tricks.

The idea behind treating another person this way is a long process. It starts small, just like a relationship I guess, and once you reach that comfort zone with the person, you feel like you can get away with it. How can it be wrong if she's constantly a willing participant? Yea, she talks later about relationship and being together, but talk is talk.

The guy who wrote the book was on Oprah and responded to a very similar question this way:

It's like having a great shirt in your closet that you really like, but you don't wear very often. You look in your closet and think "That's a good shirt", but you choose to wear something else. You don't throw the shirt away because you like to wear it once in a while and you really do like the shirt. You just don't want to wear the shirt all the time.

Dee

What happens if you're like me and like to wear multiple t-shirts at once? It's not that I'm indecisive about one t-shirt, but really just like being warmer:)


RUgreek

That's an interesting way to put it. That pretty much sums up how I relate to people in general - as of now.

He would say that when you find the right shirt for you, you won't need more than one. "You're not that into her(them)".

It's really really REALLY hard to just cut all ties with someone we feel comfortable with, attracted to and have history with. But you can do it. I know that sounds easier said then done, but trust me, I've been there. And it does feel really good to look back months later and think "What the HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL was I thinking with him?!" I still get random calls from my ex-who-I-thought-was-the-one and spent like close to four months crying over at times. Now I have absolutely nothing to talk about with him anymore and feel like I am finally in control of the situation, and not him anymore. Good luck!!!! I know it sucks but you can do it!!!!

Yup. That's me, all about honesty. I AM SUCH AN AWFUL SISTER!

With so many new and exotic looking t-shirts hitting the market every year, that becomes a tough decision.

Ok, well for every guy or girl that has written the book on love and relationships there is still a large part of the population that goes its own route. Some guys are worried they'll never find the right woman, so keeping a few around that display qualities we like (this one talks dirty in bed, that one fun to go out to the bars with) lets us enjoy our time without making any sacrifices. And if one or two has their feelings hurt in the process, well then there is always someone else around to fill that spot. No book can really explain why every guy does this, but the truth is the problem starts with the girl who fell for him.


RUgreek

I don't know if he uses that analogy in the book because I haven't read the book. He used it on the Oprah show though. I recommended the book to a friend after I saw that show and she was totally enlightened afterward.

I guess I am lucky. I have seen women do what you are doing so I learned from their experiences. When a guy treated me like crap, I picked myself up and walked out on him and whatever undefined 'relationship' we had. I had seen women do the on-again off-again thing, and I knew that I could not do it because it would hurt me far too much.

That doesn't mean that my mind didn't wonder why things hadn't worked out, but I knew that staying would devastate me. It wasn't easy, but I knew for my own happiness and emotional health, I had to end it completely and permanently.

Good luck.

Re: Question for Guys
 

I didn't read a word past the first sentence but I think I can answer the question anyway. The guy probably isn't interested but when he calls and tells you how much he cares about you it means he is horny and wants to get laid.