I don't have kids but....
 

I hear consistency is key. If you do X, I am going to not let you do Z. And then follow through. But, I'm not sure how to teach the girl the underlying message that what she is doing hurts other people, and that is something that goes beyond losing your favorite toy for a week. Maybe you can talk to her about it?

No kids yet, but as a former hellion, this is what scared the bejesus out of me:

Dad removes belt, folds it in half, snaps it together (makes the smacking noise) and says "you want some of this boy?".

Yep, worked for me.

My sister does this thing were she rolls her eyes and it pisses me off BAD. However, she picked it up from me.

COSIGN. Big time.

Our 3 1/2 year old daughter has been acting up a lot recently as well. So, we called Santa (Grandma), and talked out loud in front of her...that she wasn't behaving, etc.....it worked. "Santa said you better start behaving like a nice young lady or he might not bring any presents this year" - the look on her face and the reaction was priceless.

However, this is only a short-term solution (you gotta love the holidays for providing this outlet!), but, we have also found that if you completely IGNORE the bad behavior - no response at all, other than "if you'll speak nicely, I'll listen to you"...also works, but takes time, and patience to be effective.

We've noticed when she really goes off the bratty deep-end is when she is very tired. So we do the ignore treatment until she is somewhat respectful, or we load her into the van to drive to the "store"...in reality we're just burning miles until she conks out...then right back home.

trojangal - You just described my daughter perfectly...she actually turns 4 tomorrow! I sometimes feel like a live with the devil. She is so cute and sweet but then she just snaps...the screaming fits are awful. I have tried spanking her but I have found that it does not work with her it only makes things worse. The biggest thing that bugs me right now is her being so bossy. If she needs something she will scream at me from the other side of the house and will not stop screaming until I respond to her...I know what you all are thinkng, just ignore her...I have tried that but I promise you she can scream longer than I can mentally handle it. I have tried to walk back to her room and calmly explain to her that I am not going to respond to her when she screams and close her door and walk away...but that turns into her beating on her door and walls and then opening her door and throwing her toys down the hallway. It gets really bad.
I have excepted that this is a phase and she will out grow it but I really don't like the person that I am turning into because of this. I feel like I am always mad and having to bitch and complain and fuss all of the time...chronic bad mood! I do hope things get better soon. I used to say how the "terrible twos" were a breeze but my mother-in-law would laugh and say oh don't worry she'll get there soon enough. And she also loves to say that "It never gets any better, they simply go from one bad phase to another". So good luck and remember that there are others out there who feel your pain!!! And by the way, if you find a miracle solution, please let me know...I'll even be willing to pay big bucks for tip.

Our daughter did this, actually, so did one of our sons. We simply picked up the toys, put them on top of the refrigerator or mantle...somewhere they can see them, but can't get to them.

We tell them once they calm down and start acting nice, they can have the toy back. Sometimes the toy will stay there a little longer if their attitude is especially bad.

It works. They see it, and can't play with it, and you remind them why - they start (slowly) to modify their behavior.

Like the Santa call...sometimes it also helps (if the child is emotionally close to them) to threaten to call the grandparents (or uncle/cousin)...etc....that also brings good results. It becomes a team effort.

We have three kids, so we no longer get to do "man-to-man" parenting...it's "zone defense." Once you find something that works, you stick with it.

Isn't it good that we don't remember being such brats when we were children?

I'm sure you will get through it and your kids will be wonderful, happy, caring adults!!!

Just out of curiosity . . what do you guys do to lower and prevent your children's stress and anxiety levels? As in diet or whatever?

The reason I ask is that a lot of what you are describing are experimental coping mechanisms for stress.

Remember that kids feel stress and anxiety through diet issues and environmental pressures the same way adults do but have less sophisticated coping mechanism as well less control.

I am sure you can find adult parallels in "acting out" behaviors among your friends and acquaintances.

Something to think about for those of you that never payed attention in psych class :p

Well, reducing sugar intake (hard around holidays, I'm sure) will more than likely reduce the post-sugar rush crabbies, as will reducing caffeine intake.

As far as what to do to reduce stress/anxiety especially around this time of the year...because i'm not a mom I can only take a stab at it. But make sure there's quiet time. I'm talking no shopping/going out, no loud music playing on the stereo, TV down pretty low or off in general. Make time for quiet activities (board games in which the WHOLE family participates, story time, craft time, something that involves as little hectic outside input as possible yet still keeps them moving/active). I can only speculate on this, but I think that sometimes kids start to feel "left out" during the holidays because parents and older siblings get very busy (shopping, letters, presents, cleaning, cooking, parties) and the only way to get any type of attention is to act out (I know i was guilty when I was little).

I can agree that consistency is a key -- but the truth is that I don't think there is any real "answer." Kids are different and parents are as well.

What "worked" (if anything really did -- other than growing) for one, didn't for another.

Good luck.

Sorry, I didn't see this until tonight.

I don't know whether it ever gets better -- or just gets different.

I can't really think of any age that didn't have it's challenges -- but that's what you sign up for when you have kids.

In the end, the good parts at least equal the bad ones -- and often outnumber them dramatically.

I kind of like the essay idea. Since she's four, maybe have her draw pictures of how she feels/why she's angry/etc.......have her open up a bit....I dunno...I'm not trained in child psychology nor do I have kids of my own

You need to find her "currency"(yes I watch too much Dr. Phil), those one or two things that she treasures above all else, whether it be TV, a toy or privilges such as picking out her own clothes, etc.. (I remember mine when I was little was dresses[no idea why]...my mom always threatened to make me go 2 weeks without wearing a dress, that made me straighten up). Also from memory of being a terror sometimes DO NOT EVER a)give in to a tantrum or b)let her play mommy vs. daddy. My parents did both...mom gave into tantrums and dad let me do what mom didn't.

Does the lack of response mean that most parents don't have an organized framework to minimize stress in their children?

ITs a little after the fact if you punish them for incorrect coping mechanisms.

Also, if you are able to keep their stress and anxiety minimal you may be able to stop other issues from developing later such as ADD depression and anxiety.

Some outstanding clinical answers.

Call me after you've all raised some kids and tell me how they worked.