It's weird that you wouldn't be invited to the rehearsal dinner, even if you're not in the wedding party. I was under the impression that brothers and sisters were always invited, regardless of their place as an attendant.

I'm surprised that you haven't been the designated Guest Book attendee, punch server, substitute bride for the rehearsal, or something like that, since you're not a bridesmaid. Maybe the bride has forgotten about those little duties?

Since this is really bothering you, I'd make a list of all the things you WON'T have to do, which a bridesmaid would have to do, such as throwing a shower, getting a nasty dress with shoes/hat/gloves to match, cheesing it up for phony-looking pictures ("oh, look at the sixpence being put in the shoe!" "oh, your ring is sooo beautiful!"), etc. That should be pretty cathartic.

It's quite possible this girl is jealous of the relationship you have with your brother. Are you two very close? If so, it probably makes her crazy that he has another woman in his life who "steals" some of the affection he should be showering on her. Maybe this is her way of trying to distance him from you and the rest of your family.

I agree with most of the others - I wouldn't want to be in the wedding party, especially since it sounds like this girl is going to turn into a bridezilla. You definitely DON'T want to be around that.

I also agree that you should tell your brother how you feel. Perhaps he's gotten so busy w/ trying to placate her every demand that he hasn't realized that your feelings have gotten hurt.

And it is absolutely unacceptable for you to not be invited to the rehearsal dinner, especially since your family is paying for it.

When is this wedding?

One last thought - I believe that just b/c it's the bride's special day, it doesn't mean that she has the right to become a mean and nasty person!

I know! My parents already have the projected guest list and I'm not on it. :(

Re: Not in the Wedding?
 

I'm agreeing with everyone else, but the only question I have is if your parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner, then why aren't you invited to the dinner? The hosts make up the guest list, not the bride/groom (although they usually have input). As you are immediate family, then you should automatically be on the top of the list!

So what are we missing that you've been excluded from this event?

Re: Re: Not in the Wedding?
 

The bride and her mother are in complete control of the wedding. They sent their rehearsal dinner guest list to my parents. It's simply etiquette that my parents are paying for the dinner.

Also, my parents are offended that I'm not on the guest list, so they are just letting it go because I asked them to. I don't want them to get too emotional and make waves in this already difficult situation.

Re: Re: Re: Not in the Wedding?
 

I'd hate to break the news to your future SIL's family...they don't get the final say on who is to be invited...unless they are hosting the event! As your family is hosting the event (regardless of obligation or not), they get to determine the final list...NOT your future in-laws!!!

Get out an Emily Post book for this family...they don't understand the meaning of etiquette! (Now I'm getting mad for you! LOL)

I thought proper etiquette called for the groom's family to plan the rehearsal dinner as well, since they're the ones paying for it? Sheesh. Her family sounds frustrating.

So, are you going to go the rehearsal dinner anyways?

Does this chick have sisters? You mentioned she has brothers, but I was curious if she has sisters with whom she has to share attention. If she doesn't, that may explain her inability to share your brother w/ you.

I have been where you are at actually on both sides....

as far as the rehearsal dinner goes...... Your name may not be on the list because it is automatically that you are family you will be there. Hell if my mom and dad was paying for it i would just show up. DID she say directly you were not invited?

as far as bridesmaids go.......the sentiments you have towards her .... would you really be willing to be a brides maid even though you love your brother?

I mean come on i love my brother and i wasn't a brides maid either even though she was oneof mine. Heck i l et my feelings be known agaisnt the wishes of my parents because my sister in law and her mom were awful during the planning....my mom had no imput or asked her opinion on things either.

Its a fine line when it comes to these things. tread lightly!

AXiD670: I won't go to the dinner if they don't invite me. And, she doesn't have any sisters.

cutiepatootie: When they sent the list, it had my parents, her parents, her brothers, her friends, my brothers best friend, etc. I think she's begrudgingly inviting my parents because they are paying! LOL! She's very blatant in her disregard for me.

I would be a bridemaid if asked. The biggest problem I have is that my brother was very clear to her that he wanted me in the wedding party in some capacity because, like I said, we're very close. She originally agreed but has now decided otherwise.

And, I am treading lightly! Honestly, the way I look at the overall picture...this is one day out of the rest of their lives. She has plenty of time to grow up and get over herself. I acknowledge that she might just not know any better and I'm sure her parents are goading her. So, once she's married and realizes what married life really is (she and my brother both think that they're going to have lives of their own and just live together - I don't think they realize the toll the being with someone that much can take on a person), I hope she'll see the value in having me close by since I would be the family member closest to her in age.

****By the way, this is his first steady girlfriend. They're both in their twenties. She hasn't had many boyfriends and neither of them has lived with a member of the opposite sex in the past other than family. Contrastingly, I've had many relationships AND I've lived with a number of my boyfriends. While I've never been married, I KNOW how difficult it is to share your space with someone you love. It's so much easier to have roommates that you don't have a lot invested in because you're not going to hurt each other really.

Re: Re: Re: Not in the Wedding?
 

Uh, they plan, they pay. I don't care where you're from.

Weddings involve two people: the bride and the groom....not just the bride. I feel that some Bridezillas forget this small piece of information. Since it's your brother's wedding also, he should have a say in who goes to the rehearsal dinner. It should've been a mutual decision between the two of them and since you're his sister then you should be on the guest list. It looks like she has taken over in planning the whole wedding. I think your brother needs to say something to her about this.

It's not really up to the bride and her mother who gets to go to the rehearsal dinner. (a) Etiquette says all immediate family members of the bride and groom should be invited. (b) Remember the Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules. If your parents are paying and they want you there, the bride and her family have no right to say no.

A few people have commented along the lines of why would you want to be a bridesmaid for a bridezilla who has treated you so horribly to date? and also that the bride picks her attendants, the groom picks his, and although your brother might want you to be a bridesmaid, it's ultimately up to the bride whether she asks you. These are both good points. That's why I made the (admittedly unorthodox) suggestion of your brother asking you to be one of his attendants. You'd stand on his side and possibly wear a dress that's different from what the bride's attendants wear. I've never seen this done, but I have heard of it.

(hee hee... then her brothers could be "bridesmen". Won't they look cute in big poofy bright orange taffeta gowns with huge pink butt bows?? LOL :p )

Or, if that's just too weird, there are so many other honors you could be offered if the bride is dead set against your being a bridesmaid. Talk to your brother and let him know how hurt you are... then see what develops.

This whole situation really irks me. It would be one thing if you didn't like her, but you indicate that you have openly tried to include her and welcome her to the family. I don't know what her problem is to treat you this way. I don't know who she is, but I don't like her!

If she is going to throw etiquette out the window by not letting your family plan the rehearsal dinner or invite you to the dinner, then you should throw etiquette out the window and show up uninvited. But I know you're not going to do that. This is your brother, and it's the last night you'll have to spend w/ him before he's a married man, so if it were me, I'd be fighting tooth and nail to be there. But that's the last thing I'll say about that. :)

When I got married, my husband's mother told me what we were doing for the rehearsal dinner, then asked if it was okay, and who else did we need to invite. All I had to do was send the invitations and give her a final count. It worked well.

I still think she's acting this way b/c she's jealous of your relationship w/ your brother. She sounds too immature to be getting married!

This is why weddings are such a PITA. I firmly believe in eloping! :D

As far as wedding etiquette, here's a story: we just received an invitation for a friend of my husband's upcoming wedding. I was so mad b/c 1-the response envelope didn't have a stamp on it, and 2-it's a 6 o'clock wedding, and there's going to be a "dessert reception" following. Hello! If you're not serving dinner, then you need to have the wedding earlier or later. With a 6 pm wedding, that means the guests will most likely have to eat dinner at 4 pm! The couple lives in WA state. Maybe that's just how they do things out there. ;)

ETA: You are invited to the wedding, aren't you? ;) :p

ETFA: Oh, almost forgot. This happened to my friend. Her fiancee's sister obviously didn't like the bride-to-be. At the rehearsal dinner, she (the groom's sister) gave him this scrapbook that she had made him w/ pages upon pages of pictures of him, his family and ex-girlfriends, and not a single picture of my friend. Of course, she was VERY upset. But this sounds like a nice gift you could give to your brother! Lol. Just kidding, of course.