I'm not trying to be a douche bag here, just trying to (bluntly) point out that there are sides to this she's not looking at, or has and hasn't told us about. If it came off as harsh, well, that wasn't the intention, but that's how it is.

Remember - there's three sides to every story - hers (which we have), his, and the truth.

In an aside - Lana, you probably shouldn't be worried about not being married after college, and your lack of 'experience'. Everyone progresses at their own rate - however, use even short-term relationships as building blocks toward future improvement.

Listen to what people have said - EVEN IF IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

hahahaha - just caught this one . . .

Poorly worded; hopefully that was simply insinuating that I'm a dickhead, and not how you truly feel.

Spending time together is a necessary element of a relationship - but in this situation, where the guy lives removed from the girl, it did seem, to my mind, that the girl was primarily pissed b/c he "seems to find time for his friends, and not for me."

Well, SURPRISE! - your guy might certainly value his friends more than you, at the start of a relationship, if he's a "good guy" and well-adjusted. This is NOT a bad thing - this shows that he values the time and energy he puts into maintaining his close relationships with other people who value him in the same way.

This bodes well for the girlfriend - first of all, the girl can step into this reciprocal bond over time, as it is built between him and her. Second, the guy has developed (to a certain extent) those social skills which help when a relationship gets rocky; these may not be polished, but they are at least nascent in his personality.

The downside would be potential insulation of his feelings and views - sort of like what happens on this message board, come to think of it . . .

Anyway, it's not as much of a downside, or an element of being a "bad guy", as I think some are making it out to be. Personally, I would prefer a girl to tell me she was going out with her friends, especially early on in a relationship, rather than cutting them out to be with me - while it would be flattering at first, after about 10 weeks I would think it to be getting old, or indicative of a nature I'm not into.

Again, no offense meant to you, MTSUGURL, or to AlphaSigLana - hopefully this is enlightening as to how guys think, and where my earlier post came from.

Lana, I'm sorry that you feel bad. Many women go off to college and hope to meet and marry after graduation. I know only one couple who actually did that. At 21, I had very little experience also. There is nothing wrong with that.

It can really take a toll on your feelings of self-worth if you have unrealistic expectations. Do you want to get married right after college or do you want to marry the right man at the right time? I think the latter. Focus on yourself, your happiness, and your education. The rest will fall into place. A friend of mine had a similar dream. She wanted to get married right after law school, and she did. She soon became a mother. Within a few years, she became, as 33girl described, a divorced single mother.

I'm rambling a little, but my point is life is not hopeless. There will be wonderful things out there for you. One day you will meet someone who wants the same things as you. it is definitely worth waiting for Mr. Right. :) Right now you are in pain which is understandable, but this too shall pass.

Yes there are two sides to the story. let me make it clear also that I told him I would try not to complain as much, but needed him to make an effort. He lives an hour away so often I would go stay at my parents house bc he lives near them, we would have plans to go out, but then he'd fall asleep or something would come up and they'd be canceled. I understood the first few times, but after awhile it gets hold. BTW-I don't have a car, so it wasn't like I could just go right back to my apt and hang out with my girlfriends. I have know Jason for 9 years, well I haven't seen him those whole 9 years and obvioiusly he is different from when he is 13, so maybe I expected more from him because I was comfortable with him. Anyway I am feeling better-- moments of sadness do creep by, but my friends have been super supportive. I also realize that I was unhappy too (as stated earlier). So maybe it is for the best even though it hurts and I thought I could make it work. But better to quit now than date him for 2 yrs and then find out he doesn't want me( that would really piss me off--cuz then I'd feel I wasted my time).
Oh yeah-- when Jason and I talked when we first got together-- I made sure to inform him that I was high maintenance (when it comes to relationships) I said that I need to spend time with my guy etc--obviously not every freaking minute bc that would drive me nuts. SO he knew from the beginning that I wanted a lot from him. Maybe my expectations are too high.

smartest thing that's been said so far in this thread, in my opinion

sounds like you're on the right track - use it to your benefit in the long run

Life is never hopeless...believe me. And after all of the things I've been trough, I have the right to say that. Life is never hopeless. There is only a person that gives up hope and that's something tat you can't do.

You are 21 years old, to most people life hasn't even started yet. Many say that life begins after college. You don't need to be married right out of school. Of course it is always good to have that special soemone and be in a relationship, but that isn't the world, that isn't all that matters.

You have to get down deep inside yourself, there is hope there, you can find it. Find yourself in the things you enjoy most like reading a book, watchign movies, hanging out with friends.

Know what I do when I get down and depressed and feel like things are losing hope? I go to my picture album and look through all the pictures that I have. The ones of when I was a baby, then the ones when I was in my younger years. Then I look at the ones of me getting a little older and finally the ones that have been taken around my college years. I look at my pictures from two years ago and even last year and it already seems so far away and I can tell that I look different. THings are progressing.....you are growing up, you are starting to encounter things in life that you never had to deal with before. It's all part of that "growing up" phase.


Don't let some boy hold you down.......pull you down or bring you down. Get back up, brush off the dust and keep truckin.

alphasig girl i know exactly how you feel. me and this guy have been seeing each other since thanksgiving. and i have known the boy since i was 5 we grew up together in a really small town. well i hadn't seen him since we graduated in 98 and when we ran into each other we just hit it off.. i also think it was a comfort thing. and just like you i tried to tell him in the beginning becuase we live 4 hours away from each other when i am in school but i told him i expected a lot and other things about me that would have probably scared someone off ( i over react to everything) but i tried to warn him if he wasn't in it to be for real then lets not start anything. well we did and almost 4 months later we are barely speaking to each other. he just stopped calling and i was always complaining about things he didn't do. i know some of it is my fault but i am not taking all the blame. he obviously isn't worth it and if he is then it will happen.
and like you said much better to end now then know 2 years from now. he graduates in may and is moving to myrtle beach for a job and when i graduated in december we had talked about me going there to live with him.. that was a pretty stupid idea and thank god i did not actually do it...

Well I talked to him last night. We eventually decidedthat we are just going to have a trial separation. Basicall we aren't getting with any other people. We're not dating,but we're going to still talk and refocus on being friends and then eventually we'll decide if we should just be friends or more than that. He said I really hurt his feelings in the msg Sat and that he wanted to see how I'd react if hedidn't call. he didn't like the msgs I left bc He didn't like me putting a deadline on when he needed to call me etc. Of course I cried during the whole conversation. He said is life is sh*t right now. Anyway I feel a little better bc at least we are going to try to figure out our problems.
This morning I went running and I have't ran hard since when I was on the cross country team.

Lana,

I know it's none of my business, but by posting it here you sort of made it all our business.

First, I want to say that by making it your goal to get married right after college... you are sort of setting yourself up for an unhappy marriage. Instead of waiting for the right person, you would just take what comes along to meet your timeline? Don't do that, you'd be selling yourself short. And, as someone who just graduated from college, I can tell you that you'd be missing out on a lot of fun.

Second, by making it your goal to get married, you probably freak boys out a little. They can sense this stuff and when you start getting all relationship-y real quick, they want like it unless they are ready for that.

Third, I think you should take this time to focus on yourself instead of on this boy and on "being friends.' Think about what you really want... you may realize he's not it.

Good luck...