People do say stupid things all the time. Are we to always let it go? This one is rude about a sorority. Should I have let it go when a guy used the phrase "towel head" in my presence? Your words have consequences. And bitchy words are bad for our world. It foments hate, distrust and division. Fight that behavior!

Consider the source, DS. There are threads on here about cutting 18 year olds a break. I'm inclined to do that.

And equating an 18 year old's comments with a racially negative comment is not sound reasoning. I believe it's somewhere on my logical fallacies chart, which is hanging on the wall in my office in another zip code at the moment.

Nowhere did I say we should "always let it go". Thanks for not leaping to conclusions.

Listen. I'm not equating this to hate speech. But hear me out.

Yes, 18yos can be dumb. I was one. Hell, I'm almost 36 and still am dumb sometimes. This is about me having my name attached to a rec for someone who has shown herself to be someone other than the person I thought I spoke to numerous times. And that I don't really want my name attached to her application saying that I think she's hot stuff.

That's why I said what I said! If you told them she was great, then, yes,you need to let them know. If you just sent them an OK rec, that's a different story.

It sounds like you have already made your decision. If that's the case, then contact the adviser. Tell her discretely what you were told, which is secondhand information. Or, just tell her that new information has come to light and you would like to withdraw your rec. Ask her to handle this discretely, without hurting the chapter members' feelings. I'm assuming this may be a WRC; your sisters don't need to hear that a PNM was putting them down. Protect your sisters from the hurt feelings you've experienced.

My point wasn't so much about what she said, but that it is hearsay. No, you shouldn't always let things go, but I do pause before acting on what I hear through someone else vs what I hear directly.

Perhaps this is a bit of a cautionary tale to only issue recs for people we meet in person - no matter how glowing the opinion of the person who introduces them to us. Snowing someone via keyboard is far too easy.

Agree with 33. I have been asked for recs by some women whose paperwork looked good but they had major personality problems that could really screw up a chapter.

As alumnae my mother and I have both been in the same situation in which we had to not recommend a pnm or contact the rush chair/advisor directly to share our concerns.

If you are not comfortable writing a recommendation don't do it or as suggested earlier, contact the chapter to withdraw your rec.