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A couple from Arkansas get married. On their wedding night, as her new husband begins to undress her, the wife says, "Honey, there's something I want to tell you. You're my first. I'm a virgin."
"You're a what?" shrieks the husband. He pulls his clothes on and flees the room, not stopping until he reaches his parents' home. He runs into the living room and his father looks up from the TV, surprised to see his newly married son bursting through the door. "What brings you home, son?" his father asks. "Well, Dad," he says, "We were about to do that thing when she looks at me and says, 'Honey, I'm a virgin.' I didn't know what to do, so I ran." "That's damn smart of you, boy," replies his father. "If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours." |
What do you call a guy who gets fired from the post office?
Just some dude. |
I just posted this on another thread, but...
What goes: Clop clop, clop clop, clop clop, clop clop, clop clop... BANG!!! Clop clop, clop clop, clop clop... Answer: An Amish Drive-by... |
An extraordinarily handsome man felt he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search throughout the east coast, he began to head west.
Soon thereafter, he met a farmer who had three gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. After explaining his mission to the farmer, he asked for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and choose the one you want." The man dated the first daughter and the following day, the farmer asked the man for his opinion. "Well," replied the man, "she's just a weeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls, so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third daughter to see if things might be better. So he did. The following morning, the man rushed in and exclaimed, "She's perfect, absolutely perfect! She's the one I want to marry." So, they got married right away. Several months later, the baby was born. When the man visited the nursey, he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human imaginable. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," the farmer calmly explained, "she was just a weeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her." ________ Milf mature |
LMAO! These are GOOD!
Hootie:p |
CAUTION: semi-dirty joke ahead!
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
'What can I get you?' the barman inquires. 'I want six shots of whisky,' responds the young man. 'Six shots? Are you celebrating something?' 'Yeah, my first blowjob.' 'Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.' The young man says, 'No offence sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.' |
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Thanks for the laughs!!
XOXO, Annie. |
Fat chicks are like mopeds. You know they're fun to ride, but you don't want to see your friends ride them.
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Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went to the bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out.
Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to Clinton and took his out. Clinton looked down and said "Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you get such a big cock?" Jessie said "Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick on the bed post four times, as hard as I can". Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton went home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so he whipped little willie out and slapped it real hard four times against the bed post. At that time, Hillery said "Is that you Jessie?" |
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?' She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?' She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection. The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, 'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.' |
Three wishes
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich. " *** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." |
Hehe, that was funny. I've got one, its old, but cute:
What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his whites? Bleeeeotch!!! |
Quote:
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Viagra
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."
Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck. Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night. How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb. Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region. The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive. If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor! A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear. We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall. Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride. |
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