Also, you don't necessarily know yet that you wouldn't fit in her sorority. Keep an open mind until you actually go through recruitment. A lot can change between now and then, so don't burn any bridges before you even get started.

While I agree she should meet with the girl for lunch or whatever, if the girl starts saying things along the lines of "Now, be sure to talk to Nancy, she's the best liked girl in the sorority and if you get on her good side you're in" - that's crossing the line of how deferred rush is supposed to work and is dirty rush no matter how you slice it. That's how I took the "she would tell me about recruitment, and what to do to get a bid" part of the post. That would make anyone uncomfortable even if it was a sorority they really thought they liked.

No matter how laid back the rush, bid promising is still a no-no. All I can say is if the girl really does say things like that to you (I'm hoping you just misinterpreted why she wants to meet with you, and that the two of you can just have a nice companionable lunch without any lines being crossed) nod your head and say "yes, OK, thanks" and then list them last when you actually go through rush.

I don't know that you should list them last because one girl crosses the line but I would certainly have my radar tuned more finely while at their events.

It depends on the size of the chapters. I guess I got the impression from the OP's posts that they are small enough for the majority of members to know a fellow member is doing this, and by not censuring her, it means they condone it. Bid promising is a very sore spot with me.