There's way too much acceptance of women smacking, punching and screaming at men on TV. If the shoe was on the other foot, that show would be shut down. Wrong is wrong, doesn't matter who is hitting- would you want your daughter to grow up to be that woman? Can't we- men, women- everyone- find a better way!?!

As for just leaving...wow, people still think that it's that easy? That's like saying to an addict, "Just don't do that drug again." If it was that easy why would there be treatment centers and programs around the world, or domestic violence shelters?

Which isn't to say it's not incredibly frustrating to be a friend/family member who wants to see the person leave and be happy...but it rarely is that cut and dry. Many of these individuals have been raised with violence, so it's just part of life for them. And abusers have ways to manipulate and control the situation (i.e. wife doesn't get a license, so she can't drive, moving to a remote location, cutting off contact with family/friends) so that "leaving" just isn't that easy. Plus there's usually threats of killing the spouse, kids, family, even the pets if they dare leave.

Because of gender--the constructed way that girls/women and boys/men are taught to operate to express strength (most often masculinity) and weakness (most often femininity).

Men are supposed to be dominant, powerful, and are not supposed to be vulnerable. It's the same as men not thinking about being victims of crimes when men have a higher rate of violent crime victimization than women (with exception for rape and sexual assault). It is more "manly" and more "masculine" to pretend that men are always in charge. This need to be in charge operates when faced with potential victimization from women and other men.

Therefore, men and women laugh when I talk about violence against men.

I experienced a relationship like this as well a few years ago, it took me over two years to get out. It started with an insult. It evolved. In my experience, it creeps up on you.

Also, my ex managed to make me feel very lonely. This feeling of alienation is something I've heard a lot of people who experienced this mention. It is really hard to tell people close to you about this. I think most people know someone who experienced domestic abuse, but it's just not talked about.

For men, I can only imagine how much harder it must be to talk about because men are stereotyped to be strong, in charge, and since being abused is often confused with being weak, they must have a way harder time talking about it and acknowledging that they are being abused.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

The isolation is the worst; I went from having tons and tons of friends to not so many. Of course, going through something awful like that tends to separate the chaff from the wheat in terms of good friends vs. not good friends, but it's terrible to feel so alone.

As someone who primarily practices in the family law arena, needless to say, I deal with the results of abuse for a living. It's difficult to discuss the concept in such general terms as is being attempted here as domestic abuse like a lot of human behavior is very nuanced and it is difficult to generalize.

In my experience, when there's abuse, it often goes both ways. I sometimes have a hard time finding a victim, sometimes it's really easy to find the victim. Sometimes, it's two a-holes who deserve each other.

So, in the case of two assholes who deserve each other, abuse is OK?

It actually is not difficult to discuss the concept in general terms and it is not difficut to generalize. Across millions of domestic violence cases, there are similarities. Generalizations are not intended to apply 100% and even the differences are similar to other differences.

For instance:

This is an accurate observation and generalization that has also been addressed in research.

And for a lot of those people, it is true.

There's no one model that fits all abusive relationships. I've seen this up close and personal with someone I love. She wasn't slowly boiled to death. Yes, it got worse over time, but he was an asshole from the word go. Everyone saw it and brought it up when she first met him, but she wouldn't listen to reason. She liked her fantasy of who he was and what they would be together.

This is also my experience from my law practice. Sometimes there's just an abusive mess.

I debated creating a different user name for this topic. I debated not posting anything at all. And the only reason I'm posting anything is because of what cheergreek said, that for her, it would only be once. I debated it because I don't want to bring shame on my GLO. But, that's not me, Theta doesn't define me, and I do not define her. So here it is:

For my husband and I, it was one time and it saved our marriage.

We were separated, on the verge of divorcing. Why is irrelevant. He came to the house one night when my children were young, my son just a baby. He picked a fight (as he often did around that time), because I confronted him about something. We shouted at each other, screamed, and I tried to just sit and shut up. I called a family member to come over, who was a good mediator. But when someone is in your face, saying awful horrible things, it was very hard for me to toe the line. When he found out I had called my family, he said he was leaving and taking our (then sleeping) daughter with him. Now ya'll know never to get between a moma bear and her cubs, right? I said over my dead body, and he went to push past me and I snapped, and closed fist hit him across the face. A right cross to his left cheek and eye. He ranted and raved more, and I fully expected him to hit me back, but he didn't.

Of course, when the cop pulled into the driveway, I was thoroughly confused, because neither of us had called the police, even though he screamed that he was going to. My well intentioned family member did, not knowing what had happened. I was arrested, because his shiner was obvious, and I spent the night in the county jail, and had a hearing first thing the next morning. I later plead to a lesser charge of disorderly conduct, paid a fine and had a year of unmonitored probation.

Now, of course, we don't condone violence. But that punch was one of the best things to ever happen to our marriage. I honestly don't think that we'd be married to this day had those events not happened. My husband refused to press charges, because he knew he deserved it, and more. It broke his heart to see me standing in a court room like that. The blame lie with both of us. Not long after that, we stopped hating each other and just focused on our kids. A few months after that, we became friends again. A few months after that, we both found our hearts finding their way back. Looking back now, we can chuckle about it.

Never since have I physically harmed him, or vice versa. Never since has he picked a fight to intentionally make me snap, never since has he been verbally abusive. We are better spouses for it, and are healthy and happily married. It took us a long and roundabout way to get here, but we're finally here, and living proof that one domestic experience is not the be all end all. It was not our finest moment, but everything happens for a reason.

Hugs & love to you.

That's exactly how I would describe abuse starting - an insult, a shove, something not worth mentioning when held by itself. Then it piles on and somebody loses it. I actually called a woman's shelter and asked if I was abused. I can remember practicing saying, "I want some time apart, so we can get some counseling," over and over again. When I was branded with a curling iron, what came out of my mouth was, "I want a divorce."

This is something that bothers me, as I prepare to (finally!) marry again. I always said that the only time I was ever lonely was when I was married.

Anyone who's reading this and sees the slightest resemblance to the relationship that they're in, please, call someone, describe a normal day, and see what's up. Don't be overly dramatic, but start an escape plan. Leave some clothes or valuables with someone you trust, especially someone your abuser doesn't know. Save every penny you can, and make sure it's well hidden, and make sure you have a good exit strategy!

IrishLake, I didn't see your post before. ((((((((((((((((((((IrishLake)))))))))))))))))

I don't think that is exactly what Kevin is saying. I think (and Kevin, correct me if I'm wrong), that while the abuse is never okay, it's sometimes hard to find the victim because abuse is so rampant on both sides.

IrishLake, thank you so much for sharing that.