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Quote:

Originally Posted by ellebud (Post 1852008)

Ok ladies, I have to vent!

I have a friend who has one child. She adores her daughter and has micro managed every step of the girl's life. I have seen her bully schools, teachers, and university admissions to get what she wanted for her daughter. The daughter happens to be a sweet kid. The mother has her quirks (mothering manipulation among them).

Daughter just finished an unsuccessful rush at a major, but not super competitive recruitment. The school, in order not to frighten off pnms wrote a Recruitment brochure that, according to my friend say that it was ok to wear cutoffs and flipflops to rush. If this is true...stupid. But to move on.

Daughter just wanted three sororities and was dropped first night. (I suspect that there were more cuts than that.) Now, Mom wants her daughter to go through spring rush. Or informal rush at only the top houses. BUT she wants a friend who goes to a midwestern university to call the chapter at the girl's university to demand that they see her and give her favored treatment.

She asked me (through my daughter) to do the same from her new sorority. I was so nice and explained that my daughter is a pledge and can't do that. In short, she is trying to bully the kid's way into the "right" house.

I tried to tell the Mom the unwritten rules of recruitment which she pooh poohed. I told the Mom that the kid needed recs which the University said was unnecessary for any house.

The list is going on. I feel horrible because the girl would be an asset to a house. But where is there a site for mothers who should butt out?

...............sorry I had to vent............We have been on the phone the past two days (her dime not mine) with what can the mother do now?

Thank you all for listening. I am going to watch something on Tivo.:)

Unfortunately, this girl would NOT be an asset to any house because she is bringing her mother and all of her mom drama with her to the chapter! This young lady would do herself a service by learning to stand up to her mother NOW before mom ruins any more chances for her daughter. It sounds as if Dear Mother is ruining this girl's chance at membership in a GLO. I think it is a blessing if this girl didn't join a chapter! Can you imagine the headaches the advisors would have to face if this girl didn't get the office she ran for, didn't get the Little Sister she wanted, or God forbid, had to go to Standards?

I'm surprised this little blessing made it out of the house and away from mom's shadow long enough to move into the dorm! Imagine when she tries to get married!!! How many suitors will Mummy run off before someone is brave enough to ask for Bitsy's hand??

Well, some of you know my friend. She told me Little Bibsy (LOVE the name) won't be allowed to marry until she is 29. I looked at her and said, "Darling, the day she turned 18 she could get married. If you're smart you'll shut your mouth and enjoy the day." Mom disagrees with that assessment. As for letting her go to college: All Bibsy's life she's been told about going away to college. Bibsy got into a college that is walking distance, among others. Guess where she's going?

I think that kids go away for many reasons. Some can stay at home and be independent. I can talk to my friend, but she doesn't hear. I understand some of the whys, but life isn't always fair, kind or the way you want it. We'll see what happens, but I'm not calling nor is my daughter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellebud (Post 1852164)

Boy, is mom gonna have egg on her face when Bibsy comes home with k.d. lang. Or Kevin Federline. LOL

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl (Post 1852169)

Boy, is mom gonna have egg on her face when Bibsy comes home with k.d. lang. Or Kevin Federline. LOL

LOL!

Bibsy wouldn't DARE come home with anyone that wasn't what I call, Braggable. Incidentally, uber Mom thinks that we are wrong to "let" our daughter date her boyfriend of 4 years. Why? He will never have to work for a living. Ergo, more Braggable rights. (And what I think about their relationship isn't being shared. I learned many things from my MIL. I do the opposite of what she did...I keep my mouth shut.)

Hey, who knows, maybe at some point Bibsy will put her big girl panties on and declare her independence from Mom. But in the process she might get a bit rebellious and do things to drive her social trotter of a mother up the wall, like get a boyfriend "from the other side of the tracks", color her hair the shade her mom least likes, give Kat von D a run for her tattoo money... And then of course her mother will ask, "How could she do this to me? After all I have done for her!"

I know a mom and daughter like this - where the mom was unbelievably pushy in regards to daughter, including a famous incident where she showed up at an elementary school teacher's house to complain about the grade her daughter was getting (make note - ELEMENTARY, like grades matter at that point :rolleyes:).

Anyway, her perfect daughter (who really is sweet, just has an infamously pushy mom) went off to college and had a complete meltdown. She ended up making some REALLY bad decisions which led her to having to come home spring semester and transfer to another school in the fall, where, thankfully, for her sake, she is doing much better.

It was a tremendous comedown for the whole family, and it has changed the mom - humiliating issues do that.... She and her daughter have a different relationship now, with the daughter exerting more control over her life. - Maybe, hopefully, your friend's mother/daughter relationship can make a change as well - and hopefully, it doesn't take a meltdown to do it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by southbymidwest (Post 1852039)

I have sympathy for both the mom and the daughter. The mom has taken the "If I don't advocate for my sweet daughter, no one will" mantra and has warped it, not recognizing (or wanting to recognize) in her insecurity that she has done her daughter a disservice by not letting her fight some of her own battles and figure out what works/doesn't work. She has effectively told her daughter by her actions that she does not have enough confidence in her daughter's abilities to deal with the rough spots. Her interference with whatever the next step is will just confirm it even more for her daughter. Gees, she can't get away from mom no matter how far away she is! It is hard to let go, an empty nest can really suck. The daughter will have to be the one to tell her mother to knock it off, and she might not be ready to stand up and have that conversation with her mother yet. I admit, I would tell my friend to let it go, and that her interference, although well meant, could make things much worse, and what does her daughter want, not what does my friend want? Ehh, she would probably get teed off and hang up on me. OK, I will jump off my very tall soapbox now.

Sometimes the daughter telling the mom to butt out, will make zero difference.

Oh gosh, we had this mother at one of our chapters! The daughter, very sweet but very intimidated by her mother, was a legacy and we pledged her. The mother, who lived 4 hours away, rented herself an apartment in the college town for the entire 4 years the daughter was in school. During the 2 years the daughter was supposed to live in the house, the mother wouldn't let her, had her live in the apartment with her and paid the room rent and board at the house too! Good thing the father made gobs of money. THey came to our Convention one year and the poor girl could not get more than 2 feet from her mother. They were leaving there and going to Europ efor 3 weeks - justmother and daughter. So sad....I wonder to this day what became of her....probably still tied to her mother...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Titchou (Post 1852448)

The mother, who lived 4 hours away, rented herself an apartment in the college town for the entire 4 years the daughter was in school. During the 2 years the daughter was supposed to live in the house, the mother wouldn't let her, had her live in the apartment with her and paid the room rent and board at the house too!

Wow. Some people really need a hobby.

If it was that bad during the college years, can you imagine the poor girl (and husband) when she gets married? Even worse, when there are grandchildren?

Honestly, you've tried being nice. I'd be a bit harsher. Anyone else feeling the stage mom vibe? It's almost like the mom wants it more than the daughter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Titchou (Post 1852448)

Please, please, please tell me you made this up.

I cannot even wrap my mind around this. :eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by TriDeltaSallie (Post 1852626)

Please, please, please tell me you made this up.

I cannot even wrap my mind around this. :eek:

Wish I was....I even still remember her name and where she was from and what her husband did (because I wondered how he could afford for the mom not to work and to live in the college town)...it was in the South, of course!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Titchou (Post 1852448)

I cannot begin to describe how utterly pathetic this is on the mother's part. I wish you were making this up, too, but I know you can't be. I've got a friend who's definitely a helicopter mom with her 21-year-old daughter. After kvetching to me repeatedly and sometimes asking for advice that she never once really listened to, I finally told my friend not to discuss her "parenting" methods with me, because not only do I not agree with her running her daughter's life, but I also don't want to hear about it. We have found other things to talk about, and our conversations cause me much less stress now.

I know that sounds horrible, but I've been polite, I've been nice, and I've been blunt to the point of borderline rudeness when she repeatedly griped or asked about the same things, and she continues to behave the same way. The daughter is 21, and her life is in her hands- she can decide to stand up and run it herself, or to continue to allow her mother to take everything over.

I really hope ellebud's friend gets her head out of her butt, but if she doesn't, maybe the daughter will get her head out of the mother's butt. (I know, what a visual, but y'all get the idea.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Titchou (Post 1852710)

And the question naturally follows... What kind of marriage did they have? I cannot imagine going off for four years to babysit my college-aged daughter and leaving my husband at home alone to finance our "venture".

I love my daughter and am willing to make sacrifices for her, but not at the expense of my marriage.

(Still trying to wrap mind around this...)