Advice

chopperLI905 · #1 02-21-2005, 03:49 PM

i need some advice on what i should do:

i meet this girl from xy org who is just wounderful in everyway that i have seen so far. The big problem is that she has a bf and he goes to school in UND. But when we hang out and stuff we cuddle and flirt and makeout big time. she keeps telling me that things are going wrong between her and her boyfriend and she is going to break up with him but i feel like it is my fault that they are breaking up. My problem is that i dont want to get hurt in the whole thing and also that i dont want to be the cause of the break up. Can anyone give me there in put about what is going on?

thanks

winneythepooh7 · #2 02-21-2005, 04:01 PM

IMHO I think that college is a time to have fun and figure out who you are, and exactly who you want to be with. I highly doubt that you are the only contributing factor to her break-up so I wouldn't feel too bad. I hope things work out, but if not, don't worry about it too much. Have fun and remember that you have lots of time ahead of you to meet "the right girl" even if she isn't the one

.

AGDee · #3 02-22-2005, 12:43 AM

If I were you, I would back off and let things play out naturally between her and the boyfriend. If you are a factor in the breakup, and then things don't work out with you in the long haul, you are bound to blamed for "destroying" her old relationship, even if it was self destructing already. Also, there are women who need to be with someone, and can't break up with guy #1 until she has the next guy lined up. You don't want to be THAT guy who is just lined up, nor do you want to be with someone who can't handle being single either. If her old relationship does end, I'd move VERY slowly to make sure you aren't just a rebound! If things are meant to be between you and her, it can wait a little bit until her other relationship is done and she has had some time for closure to occur.

Dee

Kevin · #4 02-22-2005, 10:06 AM

It doesn't sound like they were in a very committed relationship from the get-go. Sounds like it was on its way to crashing and burning anyhow. In this world, only the strong survive, survival of the fittest, etc.

If things are going great between you and this girl, the soon-to-be ex-boyfriend isn't something you should even worry about.

James · #5 02-22-2005, 10:17 PM

Well yeah, but college isn't necessarily the place where you lie, cheat, and steal to get it "out of your system" so that when you graduate you magically become someone trustworthy.

She could have left the boy if she was unhappy with him. I see nothing noble in experimenting with breaking your word in a cruelly malicious way that involves an elaborate deception on some unsuspecting guy. It happens but its certainly not esteemable.

I hope you are at least having sex with her as a price for dealing with the agravation of listening to her self-inflicted problem.

As far as them breaking up, well . . . hell . .. you are banging the guy's girl friend. Or course you are a factor in their break-up. Are you just silly? If you back off you are still a factor in their break-up. If you just went away . . you would still be part of it.

If she is having sex with you, you don't really need her to break it up off with him . . . unless you think the sex will dry up?

Here is one lesson to take away with you. If you are both ever going through a rough time, or she feels like she needs more attention . . . she will cheat on you before she breaks up with you.

Have fun with it.

Quote:

Originally posted by winneythepooh7
IMHO I think that college is a time to have fun and figure out who you are, and exactly who you want to be with. I highly doubt that you are the only contributing factor to her break-up so I wouldn't feel too bad. I hope things work out, but if not, don't worry about it too much. Have fun and remember that you have lots of time ahead of you to meet "the right girl" even if she isn't the one .

chopperLI905 · #6 02-22-2005, 10:23 PM

hey james,

Not all of us are just out for sex and for that matter we haven't even had sex. And that is what i like about her is that we can make out and it doesnt had that way. Not to say i dont like sey but sex is not everything to me. I also found that if both of you are not ready to have sex then dont rush it bc it will just hurt each of you in the long run.

To everyone else so far thanks for the advice.

SquirrelGirl · #7 02-22-2005, 10:28 PM

Some advice for someone who has been this girl....stick with it for a while. She is most likely very confused and trying to figure her mind out, plus she is probably trying to have "the best of both worlds". Stick with it if you think it's worth it!

I recently was in this situation, the old boyfriend is now long gone, and I am in a wonderful new relationship with the guy who waited patiently and helped me figure out my head. Treat her as if you were dating or in a relationship, if that is what you want to do, and if she doesn't object. That is probably the quickest way to help her decide on her course of action because she will see who is really the guy for her...the guy that is still trying!

James · #8 02-22-2005, 10:45 PM

Well . . its not so much just "out for sex" its about not being used as an emotional surrogate. The only sure way you are getting fair value for being an emotional surrogate is the sex. Sorry girls, thats just the way it is.

I also think its admirable that you are concerned about the girl's sensibilities. That you think its cool she isn't having sex with you because she is such a nice girl.

A nice, kind, sweet honest, honorable. . . . oops, i got caught up and added that extra word, honest, in there . . . .

A nice, kind . . . wait wait wait . . . how nice and kind is she to involve you in a cruel and calculated deception that involves lying and delberate cruelty to someone she freely made a promise to? How nice is she to precipitate a situation that has to end badly for someone in your little triangle?

Well . . someone other than her, since she has almost nothing at risk compared to you men.

I almost admire her. She is in a long distance relationship with someone she has a committment to, someone that represents security for her, and she has managed to get that extra attention she needs from you . . .. just with lots of talk and a little making out.

Thats not a bad situation to be in at all.

Keep in mind that you she may not be sleeping with you, but she is probably, or has been sleeping with him.

Also, keep in mind that she could have kept both relationships pure and honest by a simple phone call to him asking to see other people, but when push came to shove she immediately opted for dishonesty and manipulation.

Anyway, most of it depends on the timing. If she breaks up with her BF within 2-3 weeks of all this starting you should be pretty ok (until she cheats on you

), but if its longer than that, you are probably in for a rough ride.

Quote:

Originally posted by chopperLI905
hey james,

Not all of us are just out for sex and for that matter we haven't even had sex. And that is what i like about her is that we can make out and it doesnt had that way. Not to say i dont like sey but sex is not everything to me. I also found that if both of you are not ready to have sex then dont rush it bc it will just hurt each of you in the long run.

To everyone else so far thanks for the advice.

winnieb · #9 02-22-2005, 10:52 PM

What are you interested in with her.... a good time or a relationship?
If you are looking to have fun-- well....
If you are looking for a relationship then don't go after a woman in a relationship. You will always doubt her if the two of you are having problems. If you think there is a chance for something then hold tight, it will happen when the time is right. Just remember if she can't be good to him, how will she will be able to be good to you?

James · #10 02-22-2005, 10:55 PM

Another thing . . A lot of people seem really understanding of the girl. I can't help but think that if it was a girl asking us for advice about dating a cheating male . .. people might have quite different and stronger opinions .. .

True?

winnieb · #11 02-22-2005, 11:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
Another thing . . A lot of people seem really understanding of the girl. I can't help but think that if it was a girl asking us for advice about dating a cheating male . .. people might have quite different and stronger opinions .. .

True?

True--- I'll be the first to admit you are right....

And on that note-- here is my response if it was a girl looking to date a cheating guy.....

Honey you don't deserve him. NO ONE needs a cheat in their life-- he will only cause you heartache. It is a matter of time before he is screwing around on you. Even if it is not sex--- he is commited to another person--he made that person a promise ane is now acting like an ass. No one deserves to be lied to-- not you and not the other person he is in a relationship with! And that jackass is probably feeding his g'friend a line or two about how much he misses her and loves her. You can do soooo much better. Tell him to screw off-- find someone who is unattached and worthy of you.

pretty much my original post would still stand.... if she is not trustworthy in her current relationship what makes you think you can trust her if you are with her... i would be a little blunt in my warning!!!

chopperLI905 · #12 02-23-2005, 02:40 AM

As far as right now is is back with her boyfriend even thought tonight things happened. the big factor is that she knows that i leave for basic in less then 10 months and will be gone 16 weeks and she doesnot want to get hurt bc of me handing to the sandbox most likely. She knows how i feel now about us completely so we will just have to see.

valkyrie · #13 02-23-2005, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by chopperLI905
As far as right now is is back with her boyfriend even thought tonight things happened. the big factor is that she knows that i leave for basic in less then 10 months and will be gone 16 weeks and she doesnot want to get hurt bc of me handing to the sandbox most likely. She knows how i feel now about us completely so we will just have to see.

Based on her current behavior even if you are "together" when you go off to basic, she'll more likely than not be kicking it with some other dude while you're away. Be careful.

sugar and spice · #14 02-23-2005, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
Another thing . . A lot of people seem really understanding of the girl. I can't help but think that if it was a girl asking us for advice about dating a cheating male . .. people might have quite different and stronger opinions .. .

True?

I'm with James here. Cheating is unacceptable regardless of the gender. If she does it to him, she's probably going to do it to you when you're with her, and it surprises me that so many people are willing to get involved with somebody they know is so untrustworthy in a relationship.

Especially if you start dating this girl and then you're LEAVING -- going long-distance with a cheater is a surefire way to get your heart broken.

This is just me here, but I don't understand habitual cheating. If you want to get it on with someone who is not your boyfriend, BREAK UP WITH HIM. It's not that tough!

RUgreek · #15 02-23-2005, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by chopperLI905
i need some advice on what i should do:

i meet this girl from xy org who is just wounderful in everyway that i have seen so far. The big problem is that she has a bf and he goes to school in UND. But when we hang out and stuff we cuddle and flirt and makeout big time. she keeps telling me that things are going wrong between her and her boyfriend and she is going to break up with him but i feel like it is my fault that they are breaking up. My problem is that i dont want to get hurt in the whole thing and also that i dont want to be the cause of the break up. Can anyone give me there in put about what is going on?

thanks

She's obviously not relationship worthy if she's coming onto you and still hasn't told her bf. You are not the reason she will cheat or break up with him, it's all her fault. So I say go for it and help out her soon-to-be-ex and have fun with her. If you think you'll fall in love, just remember this is how she will be around another guy when you're not around. If that is something that will hurt you, then back off and let it be. If it's not you, she'll find someone else to cheat on her bf with. Seize the college opportunity and have fun

RUgreek