Insight?

deltaphi94 · #1 02-15-2003, 02:21 PM

I need some help finding a way to tactfully tell someone that I can't spend all of my time hearing about every detail of her life. It isn't so much that I don't want to have anything to do with her -- just that a different topic of discussion would be nice.

I know she's going through a lot and could really use a friend. I really want to be there for her, but I'm going through some serious personal issues of my own, too. (She knows about this, and we have completely different views about how I should go about dealing with my problems.)

So, any ideas how to tell someone that I don't think I can deal with her problems all the time without being rude?

VSUPhiMu · #2 02-15-2003, 02:49 PM

I have a similar problem with my best friend, and what I've decided to do is just understand that maybe we met because she needed support in her life that I could give her. I like to complain because she doesn't share in my happiness over my wedding or that she didn't cry with me when I had a death in my family because she and her bf had broken up two days earlier and that's all she could think of, but I always feel like I'm a bigger person because I know that I'm always there when she needs me.

When I feel like I just can't take it anymore and just have to talk to her about things, I just ignore whatever she's saying at the moment and interject my topic. It sounds rude, but sometimes that's the only way I feel like she really hears what I'm saying. I could never go crazy at her for not listening because that's mean, so try to be tactful and ladylike, and maybe she'll get the hint.

ladybug1116 · #3 02-15-2003, 03:29 PM

I have to agree with VSUPhiMu...I had a friend who sounds very similar and I would try and listen and help as much as I could. After hearing the same thing a million times (if it was trivial) I would interject my topic of choice. Not rudely...but I would find a way to do it. Usually I would advocate actually talking it through with someone, but with this kind of siutation, thing are a little more precarious. I hope things get better and feel free to PM me if you would like discuss the issue further

deltaphi94 · #4 02-15-2003, 04:06 PM

Thanks. I know how she feels because I've been in a situation similar to hers, and I keep telling myself that she just can't relate to what I'm going through now because she's never been there. It isn't helping that my personal issues are the polar opposite of hers, either.

I've tried several times to interject anything and everything I could think of to change the subject, and it never seems to fail to circle back around to topic #1. I don't know. I've even had my husband tell her I was already in bed on days when she's called 20 times, but then I feel awful for lying.

I know the best thing to do is grin and bear it, but today has just been one of those days when I just want to scream.

pinkyphimu · #5 02-17-2003, 11:57 AM

this is definately a tough situation. are you sure that she has not been diagnosed with depression or something? i have a good friend who is bi-polar and it is sometimes very hard for her to see that other people have problems too. i love her to bits, but i also understand that it has something to do with her illness. there are times when she is at her low points that i can't talk about my problems and that is ok.

if that is not the case, then maybe you can tell her how you feel. have you been friends for a really long time? i was in a similiar situation a few months ago. i was soo mad at my friend bc all she talked about was herself. blah blah blah....in the mean time i was going through this major crisis and needed my friend. i was so upset one day that i just told her. i told her that i was feeling really upset about this thing and that i felt like no one was listening. immediately, she realized that she had been going on and on and on about stupid things with her bf when i really was in crisis. it is hard to do, but sometimes you need to tell people what you need. things are better now. we have found a balance, but she knows that some days, i can't talk about her silly bf things bc i am so upset about my own thing. hey, that's what friends are for!

deltaphi94 · #6 02-17-2003, 02:20 PM

She was the only person I (sort of) knew here when I moved to live with my husband. We've been friends for about 3 years now.

I have another friend who is bi-polar, and it isn't the same with the friend in question. I'm thinking this is just that we're in 2 very different places in our lives.

I don't want to say something I'll regret if I go for brutal honesty.

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #7 02-21-2003, 12:50 AM

It sounds like she's a negative impact on your life.

If this is true, you need to break off the friendship. ("I read supermarket trash" fact: Cosmo has an article about that very thing this month.)

Otherwise, how can you justify keeping her around? She's draining your energy, you feel boxed into a corner enough so you're engaging in behavior you don't usually (getting your husband to lie for you), and I'd bet you're not as good a listener to your husband/other friends lately.

I'm all for long time friendships, and all for standing by a friend in need. But in ANY relationship you should be getting something back. True, it's not always 50/50 -- but you should always, always be getting something out of the relationship. Are you?

OUlioness01 · #8 02-21-2003, 09:26 AM

I don't know how well this would work, but what if you gave her a journal or diary? You can tell her that whenever she feels like she needs to talk and she can't talk to someone that she can go to it and write it all down. Hopefully she would fell better about her problems that way. Problems always seems to feel better when they're out in the open some way or another, and maybe she wouldn't geel the need to talk as much about her problems because she would have already gotten them off her chest by the time she talked to you.

deltaphi94 · #9 02-21-2003, 10:39 AM

Part of my problem is that the reasons I have for not wanting to hear the little details is completely selfish. Granted, there are times in life when we have to be selfish, but I can't truly justify my need not to hear it all.

With what she's going through, I should be happy for her, even though it's rough. But, because of what I'm going through, I'm finding it quite difficult to be happy for her. Does that make me an awful friend? I really want to be happy for her. I just don't feel like I can let myself be as happy for her as she would like. Now that this post makes no sense...

Thanks for letting me vent.

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #10 02-22-2003, 03:16 AM

maybe she needs a therapist.

I have often thought that very few people can honestly say they COULDN'T benefit from someone trained to identify bad patterns.

deltaphi94 · #11 02-22-2003, 03:04 PM

__________________________________________________ __
maybe she needs a therapist.

I have often thought that very few people can honestly say they COULDN'T benefit from someone trained to identify bad patterns.
__________________________________________________ __

I had the same thought this morning. I'm sending you a PM

deltaphi94 · #12 02-26-2003, 11:51 PM

I tried talking to her. It worked for about a day.