You know you are in a black church when.... - Page 3

jali0004 · #31 04-29-2001, 08:37 PM

Ya'll, those church usher jokes are a trip....

At my church back home, there was a jr. usher board and an adult usher board...we were serious!!!

I know folks cringe when we stand next to their aisle too... "Excuse me..do ya'll think three more people could fit in this row??, Excuse me, is your fur coat holding someone's space??"

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"I am not yet the author of my life; I am still it's unenlightened protagonist"
---Unknown

crayola · #32 04-30-2001, 02:25 AM

You know you go to a black church when the homeless man comes in and sits in the last pew. Everyone starts getting nervous

then the deacons rush over to him and take him to the "back".

[This message has been edited by crayola (edited April 30, 2001).]

AKA2D '91 · #33 04-30-2001, 07:46 AM

You know you go to a black church....

when the members of usher board #1 are the SAME people who served you your Hennessy on the rocks the night before and all the next week....

when the deacons are the same people you saw on the "dance floor" a few nights before at the club....

ALL OF THIS IS TRUE!

prayerfull · #34 04-30-2001, 07:52 PM

I don't know about y'alls churches, but at mine, they serve REAL WINE for communion. Here's the catch though...

1. You know you're at a GHETTO black church when you see one of the church's 10 assistant ministers stopping off at the liquor store on Sunday morning to pick up a couple bottles of $1.99 BOONE'S wine for the communion wine. Now you know he picked up an "extra" bottle and saved it in his car for after church.

2. You know your're at a GHETTO black church when the pastor and his other preaching buddies roll up in church in their Sunday best pimp suits - ICED and BlINGIN' from head to toe. Why did this one visiting preachers (friend of our pastor's) roll up in the pulpit on Easter sunday in a PINSTRIPE PASTEL PINK pimp suit? Where do they even make stuff like that?

3. You know you're at a GHETTO black church when there's calendars, announcements and pictures still on the walls in the fellowship hall and sunday school rooms dating back to the 1980's.

prayerfull · #35 05-01-2001, 12:24 AM

You know you're at a black church when...

1. On Usher Day (which seems to be held 3 times a year) the ushers break out in a STROLL. I had never seen this before, but was in awe when our ushers broke it down with their stroll.

2. You're church has all of the following "special days":
- Pastors Anniversary
- Pastor & Wife's Anniversary
- Church Anniversary
- Usher Day
- Mens Day
- Womens Day
- Childrens Day
- Musicians Day
- Choir Day
Not only does your own church have all of those days, but you are fellowshiping with other churches who also have those same days!

1savvydiva · #36 12-01-2002, 06:37 AM

Up to the top

P.S., can you tell I am at work, trying to kill time...digging up old posts?

Steeltrap · #37 12-01-2002, 12:53 PM

http://www.nytimes.com/2002/12/01/fashion/01HATS.html

Fun article about AfAm milliner who makes church hats. Now, being cheap, I'm not one who's going to drop $200 or more on a hat, but a nice read anyway.

9dstpm · #38 12-01-2002, 05:42 PM

You know you are at a Black church when after the sermon, the pastor not only tells you that his sermon is available on CD and cassette, but you can buy the BOOK too!! I went to my parent's church back in MS about a year ago (they are Church of Christ) and the minister had a table in the church lobby selling his book that had his picture on the cover. My daddy bought the tape, CD, and book!! I bet the next time I visit, they might have it on DVD, too!!

KnowledgeEternal · #39 12-01-2002, 08:56 PM

You know you are at a black church when....

....the pastor and all of the top mens in the choich drive Cadillacs.

....there is a brotherhood choir and everyone sings in the same key. Baritone.

....the pre-teens and young adults spend more time downstairs and outside than in service.

....the pastor has security like the president.

....mid-week service has 4-5 people in the congregation.

Gyrl7 · #40 12-02-2002, 02:19 PM

You know that you are in a black church when........

1. Someone starts "shoutin" and is slapping you all across the head as you are sitting in the row in front of them.

2. Alright church, I need help on the offerin table, we got bills to be paid, yet he is driving a benz and yours is still at the mechanic because it failed inspection once again.

3. You have an offering for the church fund, sunday school fund, church picnic(mind you it's just October of the previous year), Deacons Board, Building fund(and you are still wondering that after 44 years why are they still owing the building anything).

4. Mother Johnston has to testify every Sunday for almost 2 hours because she has lived to see another Sunday.

5. When the pastor is reading his sermon from scrap paper.

6. When the pastor has to have organ music to help him get through his sermon.

7. When the only sermons that are preached are on Fornication and Adultery.

8. When your church is selling dinners but the main usher has that SERIOUS MASH POTATAS and CAWN attitude (like the cafeteria lady on Cedric's show)

9. When you only have a few members going to or putting in the collection plate, yet their hair, nails and clothing are off the chain...

10. When you can party until the break of dawn, but are barely holding up at church for two hours.

11. When your pastor preaches on something you just said to him that was confidential.

12. When you come home from church you call your non church friends and dog out the entire church from the pastor on down......

13. He has just completed his second hour of preaching and asks the congregation can he take his time.

14. When some sista says "I KNOW THASS RIGHT" to everything the preacher says during his sermon.

Honeykiss1974 · #41 12-02-2002, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by prayerfull
You know you're at a black church when...

1. On Usher Day (which seems to be held 3 times a year) the ushers break out in a STROLL. I had never seen this before, but was in awe when our ushers broke it down with their stroll.

Prayerfull,
Growing up (in MS), and once a year, all of out town's church usher boards would COMPETE

! It was more like a showcase of each church's usher board "stroll" as to how they would enter the church and so forth.

Gyrl7 · #42 12-02-2002, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by prayerfull
I don't know about y'alls churches, but at mine, they serve REAL WINE for communion. Here's the catch though...

1. You know you're at a GHETTO black church when you see one of the church's 10 assistant ministers stopping off at the liquor store on Sunday morning to pick up a couple bottles of $1.99 BOONE'S wine for the communion wine. Now you know he picked up an "extra" bottle and saved it in his car for after church.

2. You know your're at a GHETTO black church when the pastor and his other preaching buddies roll up in church in their Sunday best pimp suits - ICED and BlINGIN' from head to toe. Why did this one visiting preachers (friend of our pastor's) roll up in the pulpit on Easter sunday in a PINSTRIPE PASTEL PINK pimp suit? Where do they even make stuff like that?

3. You know you're at a GHETTO black church when there's calendars, announcements and pictures still on the walls in the fellowship hall and sunday school rooms dating back to the 1980's.

ROTFLMPAO...............HAHAHAHA

1savvydiva · #43 12-02-2002, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Honeykiss1974

Prayerfull,
Growing up (in MS), and once a year, all of out town's church usher boards would COMPETE ! It was more like a showcase of each church's usher board "stroll" as to how they would enter the church and so forth.

NAWWW...you are just trying to be funny...that didn't REALLY happen, now did it?

Honeykiss1974 · #44 12-02-2002, 04:57 PM

Nope. Mind you, I grew up in a town of about 3,000 people (Last time I was there in '98, the pop. gre to about 6,000

) and every year, all of the churches (baptist) would hold a picnic where each church's choir and usher board were "presented", so to speak.

we southerners love FANFARE!

AKA2D '91 · #45 12-02-2002, 08:37 PM

Re: URSHERS (lmao) competing: You can see this in a movie that plays on BET starring Loretta Divine and Alfre Woodard.

You know you are in a black church when:

The preacher/bishop/elder/ so and so rides around the country/world in the church's (yeah right) plane; while you are riding the subway/bus/taxi/ (using mike and ike (feet) to get around), hooptie... I bet you cannot ride in that plane if you wanted to.