long distance relationship

[omicron162]

Does anyone have any advice on keeping a long distance relationship together? I'm graduating from college and moving to the east coast while my boyfriend still has three years of college left in the midwest. We are completely in love and are desperate to stay together. Thanks for any replies.

[Turtlegirl]

Well I'm a freshman in college now but when I was a senior in high school, I had a long-distance relationship. We only lived about an hour and a half away from each other, but it was really hard because our relationship was just starting. We only saw each other about once a month but we tried to talk as often as we could (thank goodness for phone cards ) Oh we also wrote letters because it was nice to have something tangible from the person to carry with you. We tried to make the times we did see each other as meaningful as possible. My boyfriend and I ended up coming to the same college and are still together . I know our situations are kind of different (ya'll are older and you'll be farther apart) but I think you can make it work. Good Luck!!!

[finest_alum]

O -
Last year I was involved w/ someone in California (I live in Denver). (It ended, but not because of the distance). I thought the best thing we did was have a plan for the future when we would be together; like "in one year we will start looking for a job in the same city, and that city will be..."
W also tried to make sure we each had lives outside of the relationship so that we didn't focus on not being together. We made a promise that neither one of us could get jealous of opposite-sex friends, we had to just trust each other.
The third thing we did was sit down and have a heart to heart about money. It's financially draining to be in an LDR - long distance calls, plane tickets, etc. We each figured out how much we could spend and made sure that we planned our trips to see each other accordingly. It's really hard when one person feels like they are spending too much, etc. It sounds hokey, but it REALLY helped!!!
It's really hard to make it work, but if you truly love each other, it will!!!!

[matthewg]

Definitely go for it!!
I am working on keeping the relationship up with my girlfriend across the atlantic ocean!
It is not an easy task - it takes discipline and trust. But it can and will work if you really love each other!!
Good luck!

[James]

Good, useful advice Finest_alum I'd follow all that . . .

Its one of those damned if you do damned if you don't things . . . if it doesn't work after blank amount of years you'll sit there and curse the time spent. If you cut it short and other things don't work out as well you'll wonder if you missed the love of your life.

I would say, work with it, but if it starts fading, let it go. nothing scars the heart more than to keep messing with something that has obviously become a painful wound.

[AlphaChiGirl]

I've been in one for the past year. I live on the East Coast, and my honey is in the Midwest. It takes a lot of work, and I don't think weak, insecure people can thrive in one. I'm in school, and that is MY FIRST PRIORITY (next to family). That said, our visits are limited to school breaks (but not holidays), and long phone calls are limited to weeekends. It's been working out really well...if this summer goes well, we're going to do a move. Trust is a really important issue--basically, you and your partner will be living completely independent lives and you have to simply realize that. Also, a money talk is definitely in the works--I have spent more money on this relationship (in plane tickets, phone bills, cards and letters) than anything else in my life.

Definitely plan out your next visit (not necessarily to the most inane details) before
one or the other of you leaves. It's nice to be able to put that on your calendar, look forward to it, or simply count the days. I know the periods that we didn't know the next time we'd see eachother were AGONY.

Have your own life. Don't sit around pining or knitting sweaters with his name on it. Don't bore your friends with how much you miss him.

I know the things I'm saying seem cold and methodical, and have been and will be repeated. But, I think if you're willing to stay together, these things can work. Being in school, I'm surrounded by long-distance relationships which span much longer distances for much longer amounts of time, so I always remind myself how I have little cause for complaint.

Best of luck.

[phimu269]

Hey Omicron162,

I have a pretty good story about a long distance relationship. First, they can work, I'm living proof they do. I met this guy named Justin about 2 summers ago. We we're both 18 and on vaction with our families. I fell madly in love with him in one week..I know hard to believe. Well, I came to find out that he lived in Ohio, where I lived in Georgia...about 9 hours difference. Okay to make a long story short, we're still together and planning on get married one day. He's thinking about coming down to Georgia to finish his schooling. I have only seen him 5 times since we first met, but its one of those things where you know hes the right one!
The only kind of advice I can give you is to stick with it as long as you love him. I thank God everyday for meeting Justin. He is the love of my life and I couldn't be happier. You have to have trust and be able to deal with the fact they are far away. But love conquers everything!! Good luck!!

Phimu269

[Eclipse]

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt (and the rings! ) My husband and I had 2 long distance "experiences" The first he was in the south, I was in the mid-west, 2nd time we were in the same state, but 3 hours away. The others have given you some really good advice, so I won't do a whole lot more, but I will say this: set up your own unique rituals like watching the same show on TV each week so you can "visualize" each other,"goodnight only" calls (takes a lot of disipline!), etc. Basically anything hokey and cute worked for us. Boy, I tell ya, I wish we had had e-mail back in the stone ages when when were in our LDR. It would have certainly cut down on the phone calls and the snail mail when one of us answered a question and the other could not remember what they had written!

I think the most important thing is honesty. My now husband and I agreed that we would be totally honest with each other at all times and tell each other EVERYTHING. If a girl at his job flirted with him he told me. If I went to lunch with a male co-worker, I told him. Fortunatley we were secure enough in the relationship that these little things did not bother us. In addition, we shared the "little" things that happened to us that day or week. Because we could not talk everyday we got in the habit of keeping notes each day so we could share things with each other that we would normally forget.

[This message has been edited by Eclipse (edited April 29, 2001).]